you

Disappointed, today. You. Saddened by what goes unsaid, today. You. Frustrated by words that don’t get to the heart of the matter. You. All the more reason to keep taking step after step, eyes forward. I can’t take you with me.

You #1: You didn’t once ask how I was. Do you realize that? You went on and on and on, and I let you. I encouraged it. I let you try to find the words, to explain yourself. I know you must hurt. It can’t be comfortable, where you are. And I didn’t want anything from you but a few words. Yes. I see where you are. I feel like an idiot, sure, but that will pass. I suppose if I wanted anything, it was just an explanation.

But you didn’t once ask about me. That registered after I hung up. I’m a slow learner.

You #2: Seriously? Not a word, then? And yet you read obsessively, without fail. I can see you. That breaks my heart, baffles me. I loved you, respected you. It’s still me. It’s still me. There can still be kindness. There could be compassion. But there is only a wall of silence. You think you know what you need to know, but this is not true.

You #3: You’re busy, absolutely. But I say the same thing to you: it’s still me. I stood on the hill with you in the dark, looking down at the mayhem. I stood by you that night, while you despaired what would come. All I ever wanted years later was a chance to explain what you don’t know, what you never saw. I hoped for your wisdom, for a hand outstretched, for your help.

You #4: I hold up my hands. I shrug. It worked out beautifully for you. I wish you the best from far away. I will pretend not to remember all that we had, have, in common. I learned too late that your way is the way to be heard.

You #5: I am so tired of not talking about what needs to be talked about. I am so tired of tiptoeing, of pretending, of fighting back the tears. Your logic does not apply here. I refuse to hurt anymore. I need to stand straight, strong. I gave all I could, and you choose not to believe that. I cannot unravel this.

You #6: I think I understand. But of course, of course, I wish it were different. I’m sorry.

You #7: I am trying to believe. If you could only see. If only you could see.