As I have mentioned before
and will mention again because of its sheer absurdity,
I, congenial Jenny,
happen to owe $60K in student loans.
Because the likelihood of my ever paying them off
is only slightly higher than the likelihood of my popping Pomeranian puppies out of my privates,
and converting them into Pomeranian-shaped bricks of gold bullion,
with a hairdryer hanging from a helicopter,
while the Pope peers upon the pups and gives his blessing,
I must laugh.
In hindsight,
which I am now tempted to refer to as
ass-sight,
this was not a brilliant life maneuver. I paid $60K for an MFA in Acting and Playwriting.
[pause]
That was to give you a chance to settle down. No?
[pause, long beat, playwrights are good at finding 27 ways to say there is quiet]
There. Yes. Funny funny! Take a sip of water.
Of course, had I not paid $60K to a fancy-schmancy institution—
whoopsie-doodle!
Can’t say institution anymore without thinking of
art, group, open bathrobes, locks, no glass in the picture frames!
If I had not paid the frightful sum for an MFA,
to a certain Seven Sisterly college,
there would have been no always-beloved husband-or-not-husband,
the one, at least,
without whom there would be no
Sophie or Hannah.
*****
At bedtime,
Hannah howls. To settle her
I tell her of my dream.
I dreamed of riding a white wooden horse
that got loose from its track and soared skyward.
“Was it a good dream?” she wants to know.
“Yes,” I finally say. “Because I didn’t get hurt.
I didn’t win the race, but I landed, and
it was kind of exciting.”
“I wish I could fly,” she sighs.
“I wish I could fly too,” I say.
“What else do you wish?” she asks me.
I think. Thinking is hard. Wishing is hard.
“I wish I could be kind. I wish
I could help people.”
“What kind of people?” she wants to know.
“Sick people. Angry people. Maybe even
people who are having babies. Maybe
people who are dying.”
Hannah Belle turns to face me, amazed.
“HOW could YOU help people who are DYING?
Like, if I was a little girl who was dying?”
I say, “Go ahead. Die.”
She understands. I put my hand
on her head,
her cheek.
“How are you doing, sweetie?” I ask.
“I’d like to see my father,” she says, weakly, impressively.
“No problem, honey, hold on, I’ll get him for you,”
is what I say.
She nods. We are impressed with each other.
“You want to help people,” she says.
“Yes, I really think I do, but I don’t know
exactly how.”
She smiles and tells me
to use my imagination.
Because, she says,
you can see that way
and sometimes
there is even pixie dust.
*****
Next, I cross the hall.
I lie with Sophie under her pink butterflies.
She finishes her homework, with its
page of penmanship practice.
Xio expects xylophones.
“Xio?”
“Yes,” she sighs.
“Wow. They must have been really desperate,” I say.
“Yeah. They could have gone with Xavier.”
For a half hour, I am not allowed to leave
her bed, her side,
until she runs out of X words.
Over and over, she tells me
what Xio must expect
and I include these things
in our X tale.
“Xio expects his cousin Xavier to do his homework,”
I say.
“Xio expects X-rays of his homework, done by his cousin Xavier,
who has come to town on
some animal starting in
an X, which plays xylophone,
in the Xircus.”
Finally, I kiss her goodnight.
She smiles, satisfied, and says,
“You do a great Mexican accent. Can you do French?”
I ask her who else did what or expected whom
in the other week’s homework.
“Cica cuts candy,” she recites, then waits.
“Ehhhh, Cee-caaa, she, eh, how do you zay eet een zeese Eengleesh?
Cee-ca, she likes zo much to cutteenk zee bon-bons.”
Sophie’s laugh, Hattie’s pixie-dust insight:
worth sixty-grand.
Minimum.
No.
Sixty-grand is not even close.
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Lovely. I always say that it’s hard to regret some of the things that have brought me where I am now, because I wouldn’t have gotten here without some of those negative things happening……
Sometimes sixty grand is priceless.
you shine here in this.
xoxoxo
Priceless is what they are.
“She smiles and tells me to use my imagination. Because, she says, you can see that way.”
Pure poetry.
And she’s right. You’ll figure out who you are becoming -it will come into focus-
I’m rooting for you Jen!
I paid thousands of dollars for a Master’s in Psychology…so that I could “help people” and now I work as a social worker who investigates abuse. I don’t know how much “helping” I do but I sure get yelled at a hell of a lot.
You are beautiful Jenn, whether or not you squeeze out golden pomeranian puppies.
Xenops, Xerus, and Xray fish. Those are the animals that start with X. At least, the only ones we’ve come across. In case Sophie would like to know.
I pay $608 each month for loans totaling half that amount. I didn’t get any beloveds out of the experience. Thirty-one thousand gets you an education; the additional 29 is for the family.
When I realized it was possible to die while still in debt, I started to relax a little. Call it morbid, but the thought of death is far less frightening than the thought of living long enough to be debt free.
Sorry to spread so much cheer. Your writing always makes me so happy, someday, someone will return the favor.
You coulda skipped college altogether and you’d probably be up to 8 or 9 kids by now.
writing from a house that owes combined $180 for two MFAs in theatre; one in particular that focused on feminist and political theatre.
so, jenn, i am so there with you.
i am so grateful for you, and for your life, and for your words.
Yeah, I think they are worth at least 60 grand.
Your girls are such a gift. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Yes, your girls are such a gift. And so are you, to them, to us, to the world. Did you enjoy yourself in college? If you did, then at least that’s a good memory. At least you didn’t spend 60K doing something you hate. And, you met the father of your children and had many happy times. You got your sweet kids out of the deal and that’s worth it. Life will go on if they are paid or not. If you need to go back to school to get them to defer them, maybe you could create some new memories of joy. But, I say you could probably get them wiped out because of the Polar Bear Disease. I sure hope so. And, because you have your masters, you could teach. So, it wasn’t for nothing and it wasn’t a waste. You did what you love and what you’re good at. There’s something to be said for that.
That parenting thing you’ve been doing so well lately? Keep it up lady. You are right on the money!
Have you considered nursing? Most places are desperate for nurses. A 6 wk program will get your foot in the door as a nursing assistant. Since you have plenty of experience with poop, you should be good at that. Some hospitals and clinics are so hungry for nurses that they pay people to go to school to get their LPN or RN. You’ll probably never get rich, but you will always be gainfully employed.
I’m in nursing school right now. This is my second degree and third “career”. I just started college again and I’m older than you are, as are many other students in my class. If you’re interested, email me. We can talk.
Fabulous post, by the way.
Dude, how were you to know it would turn out like this? It’s not fair to act like your past self was stupid for seeking such an expensive education. And I’m sure it made you a better writer, so that alone was worth it.
The girls are easily worth kajillions.
New definition of breeding, me thinks. If you have a litter of puppies, can I have one? I think my other puppy might need a companion.
Yes, I met my husband through my ex boyfriend. It was hellish, dating that guy, but without having gone through that, I wouldn’t have the life I have now. Sometimes, the sucky pays off, karmically speaking.
Off to click on your ads now, to try to help out with the 60K.
They are so worth it aren’t they? Not just worth the money… but worth it all. The disappointment and hurt and everything. Well, now I think I’m just talking about myself.
Your writing sounds lighter Jenn. I hope that means you’re seeing more light these days.
Heidi
So worth it…thank you for this bit of truth and beauty.
Wow, Fern. Thank you! You just adjusted MY attitude!
You are such a sweet soul. You helped me today! Sometimes I get too caught up in the little petty things…
I am going to smile and find the brighter side of being screwed out of a few hundred dollars in snafu mis-charges from the USPS. I am going to be kind and patient to the poor schlep in their customer service dept. because I know it is not their fault and they must get yelled at a lot this time of the year.
I am going to laugh it off and count my blessing because if this is the worst problem i’m facing right now…i’m in pretty great shape.
thanks, jenn!
I owe $80K for an MA from a fancy-pants school, and I had a small child while attending. . . most of that debt, sadly, was the interest that built up over the years when I couldn’t pay. . . that’s $660.41 per month if anyone’s counting. Pretty much until death. I suck it up with a corporate writing job to which I’ve become accustomed, if not thrilled–on a daily basis–so I’ve learned to get my thrills elsewhere. I’m with Ang. Love your writing, btw.
Oh, Hi! I’m at 40k for an Art History MA. Enough to get work as an adjunct, not enough of a degree for work as a full time professor. But oy, I don’t regret it. I hate the loan, but not what it gave me either.
i really like “ass-sight” hardy har har
Not to add fuel to the fire, my sweet, but Sarah Lawrence isn’t even one of the Seven Sisters. I want my tuition back.
I’ve read your blog several times, but this is my first time posting. I think your blog would be a great fit for advertising… do you do much advertising on your blog? I’d love to get your feedback! Thanks!
Beautiful writing…as always, and who knows? The world needs playwrights. Those student loans may yet pay off in other ways too (but not likely in pomeranians coming out of your privates, just to be clear).
There is a bright future ahead for you; you just haven’t met it yet. But it’s there, waiting patiently, and when you’re ready, it’ll begin.
And in the meantime, you get to be a mom to great girls and a daughter to a great mom. Lucky you.
Worth every penny!
You are so creative. I love your writing style.
I have about the same for an English degree. For where I live, I should have done engineering or accounting.
I agree. What’s 60K in the grand scheme of things? Okay, a lot. But worth it, it seems.
Have you thought of midwifery?
I also paid a fancy shmancy Ivy-covered institution a lot of money for an MFA in Dramaturgy of all things. And emerged completely dis-enamored of the theater and have hardly worked in the field since. At least with Acting and Playwriting you can actually create something. Dramaturgy. What was I thinking?
But my degree too led to a husband and a small boy who now exists and wouldn’t have existed without the 3 miserable years and $30k in loans (yeah, cheap at half the price, but it was over 15 years ago Jenn). I love that you wrote this. The paths we go down lead us places we never would have thought of.
Oh holy Hell…
My….My… not a bot code? It’s… It’s
AFUK. And I’m laughing b/c apparently I’m actually 12 years old.
So I say AFuk-ing debt of $60K is sucky. But…but AFuk-ing chance to parent those two lovlely ladies? Is- as Keyona said above- PRICELESS!
Sometimes, my dear masters holding, play writing, beauty making (in both jewels and girls) Jenn, life and it lessons are AFuk-ing expensive. Amen.
With respect for the school of HARD knocks and your humor in dealing with the lessons.
Cindi
That is pretty much the best way of looking at student debt. Ever.
Dear, sweet, beautiful Jenn, you help me all the time. More crafty with words than personal hygiene products, you motivate me to move, think, write. (Thank you.)
The expense of joy seems great until, as you have done so characteristically beautiful, you try to define its worth.
Enjoy them.
Count me in – twelve years later, I still have a monthly payment to my school. What do I do now? Stay at home with my kids. BUT, I met DH as a result of going to a party with one of my college boyfriends after we graduated. Thus, there are Josie and Patrick. Perhaps looking at it that way will make me feel better about that hunk of cash disappearing from our bank account every month!
Well, you did get something from school -an amazing writing ability. Although, maybe if you didn’t go, you’d still be able to write just as well but if I were you I wouldn’t dwell on that. I don’t have student loans but on the other hand, I can never be a lawyer which I always felt was my true calling. Oh well.
The word of the day email I received today contained the word “xanthous.” It means yellowish, yellow. I immediately thought of this post!