Is it time to redefine Breed ‘Em and Weep? I’m not the same person who started the blog in 2005, that goes without saying. But lately I find that so much of what I want and need to say doesn’t fit here, in this format. I could add a password, sure, and try to limit the readership somehow. That feels not quite right, either.
I’ve toyed with starting something completely new, a crazy kaleidoscope new something that may or may not only make sense to me. Subversive. Saying what I want through scribbled drawings when the words can’t go as far as I want them to.
It’s difficult to know that people read the blog as evidence of my mental state, people in my life. That’s anyone’s prerogative, certainly: it’s a blog, and it’s out there. But I’m hungering for a sense of community and a renewed sense of chutzpah. For a long time, I’ve been doing my own thing, the best I can. This week, I got a glimpse of myself in action, and it wasn’t half bad.
Relationships are complicated. Friends who aren’t lovers, would-be lovers who don’t know me, other satellites of possible union—they are out there. My heart is with the girls, first, foremost, and forever. But I miss marriage, partnership. I am not someone who’s immune to its put-your-feet-up-on-my-lap charms, its homely reliability, a warm back to snuggle against on a cold winter night.
I have a lot of changing to do, a lot of courage to cultivate. I was never taught what to do with conflict, what to do when the hurt was so bad I couldn’t look it in the eye. I have some of that hurt right now, old hurt but also new hurt that I struggle with. I want to do right by it, for the first time in my life, maybe. I want to make braver, bolder choices. I want to jump into imperfection and swim for dear life, trusting that the pool of perfection that I thought I wanted is actually empty.
I have confused a lot of dear friends. This has been one hell of a journey, an honest one. I’m doing what I need to do. Thanks to all who have stood by me as I’ve mucked my way to where I am now. My gratitude to you…well, some things defy simple words. Thank you. So much.
Thoughts on where to go now, creatively? Here, and elsewhere?
A lot of learning left to do. Creatively, where does that leave me? If the spambot is eating your savvy comments, just email them to me instead: breedemandweep attttt gmail dotttttttt com, and I’ll post them for you.
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