Is it time to redefine Breed ‘Em and Weep? I’m not the same person who started the blog in 2005, that goes without saying. But lately I find that so much of what I want and need to say doesn’t fit here, in this format. I could add a password, sure, and try to limit the readership somehow. That feels not quite right, either.
I’ve toyed with starting something completely new, a crazy kaleidoscope new something that may or may not only make sense to me. Subversive. Saying what I want through scribbled drawings when the words can’t go as far as I want them to.
It’s difficult to know that people read the blog as evidence of my mental state, people in my life. That’s anyone’s prerogative, certainly: it’s a blog, and it’s out there. But I’m hungering for a sense of community and a renewed sense of chutzpah. For a long time, I’ve been doing my own thing, the best I can. This week, I got a glimpse of myself in action, and it wasn’t half bad.
Relationships are complicated. Friends who aren’t lovers, would-be lovers who don’t know me, other satellites of possible union—they are out there. My heart is with the girls, first, foremost, and forever. But I miss marriage, partnership. I am not someone who’s immune to its put-your-feet-up-on-my-lap charms, its homely reliability, a warm back to snuggle against on a cold winter night.
I have a lot of changing to do, a lot of courage to cultivate. I was never taught what to do with conflict, what to do when the hurt was so bad I couldn’t look it in the eye. I have some of that hurt right now, old hurt but also new hurt that I struggle with. I want to do right by it, for the first time in my life, maybe. I want to make braver, bolder choices. I want to jump into imperfection and swim for dear life, trusting that the pool of perfection that I thought I wanted is actually empty.
I have confused a lot of dear friends. This has been one hell of a journey, an honest one. I’m doing what I need to do. Thanks to all who have stood by me as I’ve mucked my way to where I am now. My gratitude to you…well, some things defy simple words. Thank you. So much.
Thoughts on where to go now, creatively? Here, and elsewhere?
A lot of learning left to do. Creatively, where does that leave me? If the spambot is eating your savvy comments, just email them to me instead: breedemandweep attttt gmail dotttttttt com, and I’ll post them for you.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
You are too good for this. Move up, not over. Change is an incredible thing!
i love reading your thoughts. you are an amazing woman. creatively….i think you are pointed in the right direction.
Where to go? Creatively or elsewhere? Jeebus Crust, you’re not askin’ for much, eh?!
One of the most frustrating things about this blog (and having been reading it since 2005) is that it becomes so obvious that all we are getting is but a glimpse into the crazy, sexy, cool world of Skinny Jenny and her Wacky Offspring! This is, really, a good thing, since most other blogs offer up essentially mindless soundbites from daily minutiae. And most readers, at best, are all, like, nice. And then they carry on with their lives, not remembering or caring.
But YOU, Jenn! You make us CARE about you! We don’t JUST want to read what you have given us! No! We want more! It’s not a soundbite, is it? No, it’s a tiny slice of your frikkin’ heart, Jenn, pinned down on the page for display and judgement. It’s like that scene in Goodfellas, you remember? The baddies are in “prison”, and the one guy is slicing a clove of garlic with a razor blade for maximum flavour dispersion. That’s you, Jenn. You’re carving off thin sections of yourself, laying them on a specimen slide, and saying, “Here! Look at this. What the fuck IS this?! Is it yummy or even palatable? Hell if I know!”
The frustrating bit is that it’s so obvious that there is so much more we don’t know. Can’t know. SHOULD NOT KNOW! Your cup runneth over and it spilleth onto the keyseth when you typeth.
Give us whatever you want. Take yourself wherever you want to go, and decide if it’s worth it to YOU to if you want to share a piece of that with other. (Some of whom will be Boston Globe readers, remember.)
We love you dearly, and want what’s best for you, and want you to know that only you can do what’s best for you.
I love rollercoasters! Weeeeeeeeee!!!!!
You have been so gracious on this journey – honest and pure in your writing here. You laid it out there, and let us share in the beautiful polished and rough hewn edges of every part of the day.
Poetry one day, photography the next, sprinkled with commentary on life and love and people and pets and whatever else is a part of the life you chose to share.You have been so gracious on this journey – honest and pure in your writing here. You laid it out there, and let us share in the beautiful polished and rough hewn edges of every part of the day.
Poetry one day, photography the next, sprinkled with commentary on life and love and people and pets and whatever else is a part of the life you chose to share.
I say go for it… create something new, you’re on to something!…. and dont’ think it has to be anyone else’s definition of anything.. this is your new canvas…
You could…create an email list, for supplemental posts? Hm. I’m not sure. I like it when something morphs rather than moving to a new place, because I like to see the changes on one continuous strip; on the other hand, sometimes the new place is necessary.
Ok, my thoughts creativity-wise…you’re growing so why not grow your blog with you? Maybe create different tabs? Each one giving you the opportunity to spotlight your many talents. For example, have one for poetry, one for polar bear issues, one for your artwork, one for family/kid stuff, one for dogs, one for Iceland and one for relationship stuff. People visiting can choose the topics that interest them the most…
You are such a multi faceted person, why try to define yourself through “one” outlet? Maybe that’s a way to give you the “crazy kaleidoscope” you are craving.
Just a thought.
PS You could spotlight a rescue dog waiting for home in a corner too.
What ever you decide to do… creatively or otherwise… please let me know. I love reading your words and although I don’t always comment, I’m always here listening on the other side of the world. I switched my blog off a while back. Partly because I never gave it any attention and partly because of real life stuff. But I never wrote the way you do… if you stop altogether that really would be sad! Keep it up. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you…
What Simon said.
I’ll read wherever you go, whatever you say, however comfortable you are sharing. I actually care about you, what happens to you and your world, and most of all, I want to offer my support in whatever way you need. I’ve been reading since 2006, though I’ve changed myself from Little Bald Doctors to ShutterBitch and now just back to me. I understand the need for change, clearly. You do what feels right.
Love –> “I want to jump into imperfection and swim for dear life, trusting that the pool of perfection that I thought I wanted is actually empty.”
Truer words have never been spoken. Or written.
Where to go creatively? Selfishly, I want you put your humor and angst and beautiful honesty into gut-wrenching, stomach-holding plays that I can produce and star in and make us both famous and rich. Or artistically satisfied at least! I have talked to many people who saw Off-Duty Disney Princesses this past summer and want more of your writing.
I’m at a similar cross-roads where I am ready to boldly go where I’ve never gone before (still starting small with my boldness) but not sure where that is. My current strategy is to put feelers out there and see what happens, until I get sick of that and jump headlong into what feels right. Good luck!
damn spam bot. ate my comment. am trying again. here’s the gist…i struggled with this too but ended up shutting my blog down…. i want more jenny! love what simon said (might even be in love with simon from that one comment). can password protected tabs be created (a la someone else’s comment because apparently i have not one original thought in my own head)? will email now in case this gets eaten again…. xoxoxoxol
Well-written blogs whose authors are as honest as you do not hit cyberspace everyday. Sometimes I even feel reluctant to offer comments that would be too personal, let alone write as openly on my blog as you do. There is something strange about serving oneself to strangers. Yesterday a blog reader even turned up on my doorstep!
If you want to create a separate space that is totally personal and only give the password to certain friends, that is okay. I am afraid your readers would really miss BEAW were it to cease. How about writing two blogs, continuing BEAW and starting another, not for public consumption?
Sending you a cyber hug. XOXO
I say grow your site with you. This is your place 1st and foremost. Allow it to become what you need/want it to be. We’ll be here waiting to see what you come up with. I look forward to the growth of your site.
You may not be the same person as when you started, but you’re an evolved version of that previous person. As a fellow polar-bear who has been through a divorce (albeit, way too young, ill-equipped, heartless)… I totally get it. I like having your writing accessible on a continuous plane, showing change and shifting and thinking out loud… but it’s YOUR writing, so do with it whatever you want to do, whatever you feel in your gut. I just hope you continue to let us watch from afar.
you owe nothing to us and everything to yourself. so do what suits YOU.
(which is not to say that i wouldn’t miss you dearly. i might even suffer withdrawal symptoms — twitches and the like.)
Wow, I can definitely relate. What next? How to adapt, to change, to grant myself the freedom to express myself in this new, delicate skin that’s covering the wounds that can so easily be reopened?
By that same token, what a fresh, wonderful, hopeful opportunity this will be. The process of redefinition is, indeed, a journey, one that requires change, throwing away some of the old ideas, shelving some that can potentially be recycled into something more useful or up-to-date, and making room for the new, the spectacular, yet-to-be-formed creations.
You go first.
So much love,
-A.
Jenn, write whatever you need to and we’re here with open ears and eyes. xoxo
I can’t live without you, Jenn. Well, okay, I guess I *could*, but I don’t *want* to. I don’t comment that often, but I read every single post. I agree with Simon about it being frustrating that we’re not getting the whole story. (And with everything else he wrote.) I just love your writing, and I want you to be happy and satisfied. xo
Hi Jenn
You probably don’t know that I read your blog, but I do. And I love it. I can’t get your Penelope Prindle post out of my head (esp. the part about only the dead don’t make mistakes and then sitting on the blueberry muffin). Having gone through a similar transition recently (divorce … though without children involved), I understand your hesitancy to continue being so candid at Breed ‘Em And Weep. One of the most disturbing discoveries involving my husband’s infidelity was that his mistress had combed through my blog to learn details about me, which she shared in her “I have something you need to know …” phone call late one night. I felt very violated. And foolish. A big part of my blogging personna dealt with my relationship with my spouse, and it felt fake to pretend everything was still hunky dory after he’d suddenly moved out. Plus, I didn’t want my ex to keep up with my goings on through my blog (which he apparently did, as I received an email after this post asking I remove it; his girlfriend had googled me, based on what she’d read, decidedt he was cheating on her too … or at least that’s what he says. of course the post stands).
Unleashing my creativity, telling my stories is ESSENTIAL to my wellbeing, so when I decided to “come back” to blogging, I knew it would be on new terms. A revamp of my WP theme + a post informing old readers the format is changing helped me move forward. I have found the reception to be very warm.
I don’t know what you will choose to do, but know that you must do, first, what is best for you. Don’t worry about your audience. We will support you no matter what you decide.
I think I love Simon a little bit. I also think what you’re doing is perfect. Every post you write pulls me in, even if I think ‘I’ll just read a few lines then go to bed’, I end up reading it all. Deeply. You’re honest and writerly and generous and I can see the love. If you do move on (up), I hope you’ll maintain this little spot. It’d be a bleaker blogosphere without your vivid, amazing prose.
I live in Amsterdam, Holland, and I’ve been reading you since years now. Our lives seems quite similar (kids, divorce, both writers, no money, lot of hope, dreams, humor, tears -oh so many tears). I’ve been reading you without ever leaving a post. Now I have to. Just to let you know there’s somebody on the other side of the world, a mother, a woman, just like you. You’ve helped me, you’ve inspired me -and a many other Dutch women who read my blogs which where inspired by yours. So. Do what you have to do, but please let me know where you’re going.
I just know that I would be very upset if you went away. However you choose to express yourself, I want to be there!
Hi Jenn,
I’m not sure how long I’ve been reading your blog… certainly a few years now. I don’t think I’ve ever been brave enough to comment. But if you’re thinking of moving on, I would like to let you know how much I enjoy your writing in all its many colours and moods.
I don’t know how I came upon your blog in the first place, but I know why I’ve kept reading: the sometimes breathtaking honesty and the immense humanity. Your girls are hilarious. I would miss your adventures with your various friends, family and animals, if I wasn’t able to hear about them any more.
You have given all of us readers a lot. I would definitely understand if you needed more privacy, and if you wanted to try something new. But if you’re open to it… consider trying it here! People change, but that is part of what I (and I’m sure others) are here for. The variety in your posts is a wonderful quality of your blog. I never know what I’ll find here, and I love that.
If you do move on… I hope I manage to spot you in one of your new incarnations.
It has been a privilege to be able to listen to your stories for a while.
-bec
Simon says: give us whatever you want… and he’s right.
You are free to choose, to do and undo as you please, just get it on paper, screen, canvas, whatever!
Yours is one of the few blogs I read on a regular basis and I am so thankful that there is someone who is so honest, vulnerable and gifted as you. You have touched me in such a special way, not only because I went through what you are going through, but I know how powerful you are.