Unsure what to say, to you, to anyone. My beloved Nina dog is dying. Only she knows if she is dying slowly or not. She is now almost completely blind, or at least that’s what the vet thinks, and is how it seems to be. She has an open sore on her graying face that won’t heal. I come home to find stained circles of blood, blood rings, pressed into the linens of my bed, the upholstery of the couch, wherever she has been sleeping.
Unsure how to proceed. She only eats some days. She’s drinking too much water, a sign of something not good, says the vet. Sometimes, while she sleeps, she wets herself—my pristine first daughter, who never before had an accident in the house.
Unsure. She is still delighted to be with me, and I with her. She can still get up, barks happily upon my return, loves her walks. She bumps into any furniture that’s shifted position, bumps hard into doorframes, but she shakes it off, keeps to her path. There is—of course—a new caution about her.
Sure of this: Today I am going to take her on a walk alone without her brother, in the woods. I will let her off leash, because I know she will stay close. I will stay close. As she listens for me, I will listen for her, try to hear her, try to understand where she is on her journey, the one that is leading her out of my life.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m so sorry to hear this, it reminds me of my first baby. It is so hard when they get old. Listen to her, enjoy your time together and know she trusts you to take care of her needs as you always have, whatever they may be.
I lost my Bumper in January and it was hard and still is. My heart goes out to you. Wish they lived as long as we do. Becky
Oh, Jenn, I hope that however this journey goes, it is full of more sweetness than pain.
i understand this pain. and my heart goes out to you, and to her. http://butnevertheless.blogspot.com/2010/02/lincoln-duncan-is-my-name-and-heres-my.html
I’m crying for you and Nina.
Jenn, jenn, jenn….
You know I lost both of my dogs last year; one by accident, and the other, so much like yours–I had to finally resolve to let her go. It wasn’t easy; I did all of the same things you’re doing now–but she looks happy, she wags her tail, she seems to enjoy this. I can tell you that there was finally a point where I knew it wasn’t fair anymore; I couldn’t take one more day of praying she was gone when I woke up so that I wouldn’t have to make the choice to say goodbye. I wanted her to make it for me.
No easy answers, Jenn, but you know that. She knows you love her; whatever decisions you make, know that she knows that.
Aching for you,
jenn
I’m so sorry. I lost two old cats last year. With one, I had to decide What To Do as he got more and more sickly (congestive heart failure, kidney failure). I had to pick The Day—or decide not to pick a day, and See What Happens. It’s hard.
How heartbreaking. I have had my oldest dog for 13 years. She is winding down and I am afraid of what will happen in the next few years…if that.
I have no words of advice or wisdom or way to make it all ok. Because it’s not. It’s an impossible choice to make, with animals, in other ways with humans, making decisions for them. All I can say is that Nina knows she is loved and for that, you have done a wonderful wonderful thing.
So sorry you are going through this. My little Beagle was 13 when I finally made the decision to put him to sleep. Hard decision. He had lived the last two years with only three legs and couldn’t figure out how to climb the stairs anymore. Just one day he couldn’t do it. He was becoming senile. I made the appointment for the late afternoon. My 92 year old father died at 1pm and I decided to keep the vet appointment for the dog anyway. Still makes me cry…it was a bad day.
We had to put our dog to sleep (she was a wedding present–how overdetermined is that?) last spring, right in the middle of negotiating the divorce. There was a long period where no one was sure what was best, and I’m still not. She was blind, senile, incontinent…but still wagged her tail, still eating, still sweet. I can’t even really think about it, still.
Ugh… the heartache. I’m so sorry.
But, lucky Nina to be so loved.
very hard…been there….all i can say is you will know when it is ‘time’- she will let you know….so sorry for you
So very sorry.
xo xo
My heart sank right to the bottom of my stomach as I read your first words. I’m so sorry for you and for your girls as Nina slowly slips away. You’re so right to enjoy her as much as possible right now and spoil her rotten right up the end. Hugs to all of you, human and canine alike.
Oh… Jen, I’m so sorry to hear that.
My neighbours had really good luck using scent to help their blind puppy find her way around the house. It might help? They used one scent for food and bed and another for danger, tops of stairs, edge of yard…
I’m so sorry. My heart aches for you. I lost my precious Ruby (red Doberman) in October after 13 1/2 years. She was my shadow and I still miss her so much.
Continue to cherish your moments together. You will know when it’s time.
I dont know if you remember me, I was the foster mom who took care of Eli before he joined your family. I lost my beloved Madeline 2 years ago. She was 14 and it was her time. She was ready, I was not. As I write this, there are tears in my eyes remembering my dear friend who was with me through so much. Take comfort in knowing that Nina has had a wonderful life with you. Not all dogs get that. My heart breaks for you and your family!
That was so beautiful and tender and sad.
Oh, Jenn…I’m so sorry. Any dog would be blessed to have the care and love you’ve given Nina. You’ll both be in my thoughts.
I’m so so so so sorry.
The water drinking makes me think maybe it’s a kidney thing–I’m not sure if this makes you feel any better, but when my 16yo cat’s kidneys started failing, I called my vet in tears over what to do b/c I didn’t want him to suffer. She told me that the kidneys shutting down isn’t painful, they just slowly shut down and Zack would just fade away. I decided to stay with him then, and he sat in my lap as all the light left him.
Whatever you decide to do, I believe that our pets know how much we love them and that we will help them out of this life to the best of our ability. Hugs to you and your beloved Nina.
Oh Jenn. I went through this journey last year with a beloved corgi, a dog so precious that a year later, at the dog park, a dog that looked a little too much like him still sent me dissolving into tears. Much love to you. The waiting when we cannot fix it is excruciating.
So sorry to hear about your dog. In October, we lost the cat that got me through my first major bought of depression, and I’m still devastated. Just know that your wonderful Nina is loved greatly, and there is no doubt that she knows it and understands you. I got Tater creamated and put into an urn, and it helped a lot.
Oh, I’m so sorry. My family and I have been through this twice in the past two years. Just listen carefully. She’ll let you know.
Hard for you to bear more loss at this time, I’m sure. All my good vibes are comin’ at you.
xox dede
Oh this makes me cry, and I don’t even have pets. How lucky she is to have someone in her life who is as present for her as you are.
Oh, Jenn. This made me cry. I feel your pain. (My family’s beloved dog just passed away a few months ago.) Enjoy the rest of your time together. <3
Jen, you are so perceptive, so loving, so generous… You will know when it’s time. I just went through this horrible process in August. One day, I was looking at him and he was looking at me and he was telling me it was time. I was heartbroken but could see that he was ready to go. Crap, now I’m crying again. Trust your heart and savor every second until then.
I’m so sorry.
lucky Nina to have you to take care of her, it is very hard being the human left behind. I admire you for lots of things.
Oh, so hard. SO effing hard. You’re doing right by her.
Oh Jenn. I am so sorry. As everyone else has said, you will know. She has been loved by you and had a good life, so you can be proud of that.
(Something that might lift your spirits are the comments from a post that you wrote when your other german sheppard was starting to slip away. In the comment section, people tried to come up with super hero names for you and Nina. Those comments were so funny. Maybe it would make you smile, even for a second.)
Enjoy your time with her and know that the decision to end her suffering is an act of love. You love her and will do what’s right for her. Hugs to you and the girls and sweet Nina.
I’m sorry Nina’s not doing well, I’m sure its terribly sad to have to let her go (and a piece of you with her). So much loss, but oh so much to be grateful for as well!!! We’ve been dealing with a lot of loss lately here in Chile, with the earthquake and tsunami. People have lost their lives, their homes, their friends and families, their pets too. I didnt lose anyone, which makes me very grateful (and very aware of perspective!). Enjoy her warmth while you still can and be grateful.
Our dog had sores like that beginning around Thanks giving. We thought we would lose her. Antibiotics did nothing. Then she seemed to rally. Then, the vet finally decided “as a last ditch effort” to put her on steroids. It was like a miracle. She is nearly her old self. Of course, this could be nothing the same – but the sore and the circles of blood – so familiar – every piece of furniture in our house has been cleaned at least once in recent months, as she looked for comfort on the furniture.
Today – she started smiling again. My little boy said “I think maybe she WILL make it to the summer.”
I will keep hope alive in my heart for your Nina.
I’m unsure of what to write, but feel compelled to. I joke that I love dogs more than people. My dog is currently asleep on the couch next to me, with her two boyfriends curled up on either side. She’s young. I can’t imagine time flying and going through what you’re going through. However it plays out, know that so many are taking the journey with you, in spirit and good thoughts. Best of luck.
Oh, Jenn. I know this. I know this too well.
Weeping for you.
Remember that Nina has been surrounded by love since you rescued her. She remembers. Savor those walks, that calling and listening.
I can’t really write because this makes me cry. I had to put my sweet Phoebe to sleep in September. She was almost 14 and she was my girl. It was so hard and I miss her. I know that she knows she was loved and that I tried to be a good mom to her.
Dearest Jenn – I so understand. I’m on a similar painful journey with my 15 year old cat George (cue the tears).
At the last checkup, among other cautions the vet included the words “sudden death may occur”. (He’s a wonderful vet, so I forgive his wonky bedside manner. )
I’m cherishing and remembering and letting Georgie tell me how its gonna be.
xoxoxo to you and Nina