‘Twas six mornings before Christmas (and four mornings into Hanukkah)
And in the squalid bathroom of a house
Two humans were tooth-brushing
When the smaller (age five) spied a mouse
The mouse was traversing
An overhead 60′s heat lamp/exhaust fan with care
A brave rodent gymnast—upside-down!
Trying to get back into his lair
The daughter kept pointing
With greenish eyes most huge
Her mother yelled “WHAT?!? WHAAAAAT?!?”
Such a trampy old Scrooge
But then the mother saw it
The stunt rodent by her head
“HOLY CRAP!” yelled the mother
(who longed to go back to bed)
The tired mouse was still wriggling
But was ready to drop
Onto the floor strewn with laundry
(They call it Chez Slop)
Toothbrushing forgotten
The mother made haste
Emptied her Neiman Marcus cosmetics bag
Put on a brave face
She dangled the makeup bag
Right under the mouse
Begged, “DROP, LITTLE FELLA!”
(And wished for a vacation in Taos)
But the mouse did not drop
Up, up and away he did climb
Back into his exhaust fan-slash-light fixture
Daughter found this sublime
Stumped, the mother-daughter duo
Stared up at the grille
Mouse wiggled his whiskers
It was certainly a thrill
Even the braless Scroogey mother
Had to admit
This was more interesting
Than mopping up dog sh*t
No offense to the dog
But it’s not every day
One’s morning ablution
Begins in this way
Hantavirus Hanukkah!
Bubonic plague overhead!
“Do you think he’s thirsty?”
The mother then said
A holiday miracle!
Room—and lice—at this inn!
Let the drinking commence!
They knew just how to begin
Mother filled a contact lens case
With fresh H20
Held it aloft
What a heartwarming show!
The little girl clapped
As their new friend dared drink
He lapped at the lens case
(To him, the size of a sink!)
The mother coaxed
and the mouse drank his fill
Awed by his great fortune
A soft-hearted shill!
That night, after the family returned
After the menorah was lit
After the children were wretched
And each threw a fit
‘Twas bedtime, ’twas!
All headed for the bathroom
Mum herded the littlest
With creeping sense of doom
Three years and raging
No sugarplum fairies
She hates brushing teeth
Her fate: dental caries
When what to the family’s wondering eyes should appear
But a sweet little nose
And a scrawny diseased tail so dear!
Before Dad could say no
Before Mom could think it through
Mama headed for the kitchen
She knew just what not to do
A second holiday miracle!
So dumb! So daft!
Knew just what not to do
And then did just that!
They fed their attic friend
Moistened cornflakes
They got out the camera!
They stayed up quite late!
Alarmed grew the father
“Not now…but I know what I’ve read!”
The girls squealed on
Not the slightest bit dead
“THE CDC!” moaned the father
“HANTA! ALL KINDS OF WARNINGS!”
Mom cried, “Let them feed cornflakes!
We’ll Google in the morning!”
“At least it’s not Ebola,”
added Mom with delight
“Life is just slow death!
They had fun for a night!”
Finally, hands scrubbed
Children were snug in their beds
Visions of dehydrated deer mice
Lurching through their heads
Father descended the stairs
To grade him some papers
Grumbling that surely his wife
Had been sniffing some vapors
Back to the master bath
What a conundrum
A leper of a pet
Brilliant job, Mum
And yet I laughed when I saw him
In spite of myself
So many things scarier
e.g., Macy’s Christmas Elf
His glossy brown face
And the tilt of his head
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread
He squeaked not a bit
But I served up more water
He lapped like a fiend
Googling “rabies mice” is definitely in order
Then doing a little business
And then wiggling his nose
Up into our attic
The little chap rose
But I thought I heard him exclaim
Ere he scrambled from my sighting
Happy Interfaith Holidays to all
You could really use better lighting
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I can’t stop laughing … I posted a holiday poem at my blog tonight too! Here I was extolling zenlike stillness and looking inside … and here you were showing mercy to all creatures great and small.
I worry though that the cornflakes and milk of human kindness may persuade Mickey to bring back his family for dessert. At least he provided a temporary diversion to the nightly meltdowns.
Never a dull moment at Chez Lane :>) Tell Mr. Pipe and Mrs. Kitchen to show your guests out.
And for Pete’s sake, don’t use the contact case for your lenses anymore now that it’s been contaminated! Seriously, a mouse drinking water may be spreading some kind of micro-organisms which could creep into your eyeballs.
This was awesome. No doubt I would have been unable to continue the rhyme after, well, probably the first stanza. : ) And he drank from the contact lens case! What a resourceful (mom! and) little mouse.
Now that’s the holiday spirit! When I was a teenager (of course), we had a pet field mouse in the closet. We fed him, too. After a while, if we were forgetful, he’d come out into the room and sit there and wait for us to serve him. He was awfully cute, really just a hamster once removed when you think about it.
He drank from your lens cap! You mouse charmer, you!
Love the Mater’s follow up comment…… definitely a Mother thing I think!
And the angel of the internet said unto her: “Fear not Jenn, for thou art highly favored among rodents…”
Seriously though, fear not because one of the signs of rabies is sever throat spasms which is often triggered by drinking water. Animals with rabies would not be able to eat soggy cornflakes or drink from a contact lens case.
I think it’s sweet what you did. Just be careful when you turn on the exhaust fan…
This is absolutely HILARIOUS!
And The Mater and I are on the same wavelength…the first thing I thought was, “God, I hope she threw that lens case out!”
I found a mouse once in my toaster. I had just dropped a piece of toast in and was surprised when the toast started moving. Agressively. I realized that there was a mouse down there eating the bottom of the bread. Thank god I noticed it before I started, you know, toasting…
Totally DELIGHTFUL!!! Congrats on your win. And happy rest of the holidays!
Followed a link from a friends blog.
Very funny stuff!!
I have to say I’m with your husband on the hantavirus and being afraid of the mouse germs thing LOL
I. hate. mice.
My partner is an epidemiologist who often takes calls for the MN Department of Health. Many of these are rabies calls so she knows lots about rabies. So, I know a bit about rabies myself. Mice are a low risk group, so, feed and water the little chap!
Thanks for making my snot nosed face smile this morning. I love your blog!
that was hilarious! and …. kinda gross! yes! a winning combo
Awww…what a cute new pet! Did you give him a name?
you are much more of an animal lover than I. (mouse sightings are our house have always involved squeeling and mad dashes the other direction while everyone calls for dad.) But I’m glad your mr. mouse could inspire poetry.
AHAHAHAAAA.
“Life is just slow death.” You said it, sister.
Ahhhh….he is *almost* as cute as the brave little guy that BEAT my husband and I down a staircaseat the mall the other night. He was SO tiny, I just wanted to pet him and tell him we wouldn’t hurt him.
JEEEEZUS. I was squirming. freaking out. squealing. telling ian to get in here and see this. and you live on the other side of the continent. someday I’ll tell you ALL i know about mice. (for e.g. they have a tri-cranium skull so they can fit themselves into a slot the size of a quarter, they can run vertically 3 feet up a wall, where there’s one there’s SEVERAL MORE)
for now I must not come back to BEAW until those beady little eyes are way down on the previous posts. (good thing voting was last week)
DON’T FEED IT! seriously from a farm girl from saskatchewan i BEG you – don’t encourage mice as PETS. OMG. they carry disease and dirt that is far beyond anything your lovely daughter might have picked up on a handrail in NYC – seriously….OMG
that’s enough caps for today. I need to go shower. again.
So clever. This made me smile all the way through unitl the last picture…that tail gives me the serious heebie-jeebies, man. Better you than me. Although….in our last house, there was a hole in the roof, and a gorgeous avocado tree in the backyard. This equaled huge, engorged fruit rats, and for a while there were a couple up there in the attic. They would run the length of the house and I swear it sounded like the Rat Olympics up there. Thanks for the memories….
I found your bog 2 days ago. And I would be uncomfortable disclosing the amount of time between then and now that I’ve spent reading it. I found the link on the weblog awards page. I thought, “..Parenting blog? How.. what.. why..?” (Naturally, I found the link to the weblogs on dlisted, a celebrity gossip website.)
I’m a 20 year old college student from Tempe, Arizona and I feel like I’ve been reading the musings of my future self. Or something.
Thanks for a lovely reading experience. You’ve inspired me to start a blog of my own.
ohmilord…no! please no mice! and i agree with the mater–ditch that lens case!
Just started reading your blog–found it via the weblog awards (congrats!). That was too funny…and cute! I’ll definitely be reading more…
Annie =)
Would you like to borrow our cat? He’s quite the mouser.
And your mother is right. Toss the lens case right now!
Getting a cat is, of course, a great solution to your mouse. But, you must be prepared to see the cat catch the mouse. I saw this happen once, in 1986, and I have never been the same. Are you prepared to have your girls see the circle of life up close and personal?
That mouse is WAY cuter than the rat we caught under our house this week. But even the rat seemed innocent to me – just trying to eek out a living in the warmth of our crawlspace. And it reminded me, didn’t you have a fondness for a particularly special rat named Ripon?
So I guess your threat to Hattie that the mice will chew off her face while she’s sleeping no longer inspires fear?
Mice have mother’s, too, y’know. No doubt, she laments:
“You drank out of her contact lens case?!?!? Are you mental?!?! Don’t you realize how germy and full of ick humans are?!?!?! And I’ve read that the big female is a dirty tramp!”
Wait, you FED the creature??? UGH!!! I’m all for pet critters – mice, gerbals, rats, whatever. I had a white rat in college. But, oh, the humanity when those guys get into your pantry. TOO disgusting!
Awesome!!!!!!
*wild applause*
Ok, I just finshed reading all of your archives, all I have to say about this one is eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww! I will say more though… The mere mention of the rodent gives me shivers over my WHOLE body. I agree with Cory, I am a farmgirl too, in Alberta. At one time we lived on the edge of town and had a broken window in the basement. I can’t even talk about it without wanting to vomit, really it was disgusting the number of mice in that house! I’m sure it’s too late to give you my advise which is pretty much the same as Cory’s. It’s been almost 2 weeks, PLEASE tell me you got rid of it?! Cuz as soon as the little vermin realized how Bed and Breakfasty your house is, he/she(?) ran back out to the woods to tell the rest of his waiting (and constantly breeding) family to come in and join the partay. Seriously, i.c.k.! I’m gonna go read the rest of your posts now…
I really do love your blog though, I would have voted but I didn’t find you until just after you won! I have been to both of the other 2 finalists blogs and you reallly did deserve the win! Congratulations!!
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