I stare at the massive heap of bills, knowing already which ones will have to wait. The nausea intensifies. Three digits in the bank account, and the mortgage is due on the 12th. The real estate tax bill also arrived, a charmer at $518. I haven’t paid for the last oil delivery, either—another doozy at $490. Still waiting to hear on fuel assistance. I want my spinning, twirling Hannah to have the dance lessons she loves, her only extracurricular. But I am behind on those payments, too. Food. Heat. Food. Heat. Christmas. Even with no snow, the winter landscape strikes me as bleak, uncompromising.
It’s time for law school or prostitution, clearly, but I can’t decide which would be more lucrative, in the long run. I have said this before. It’s because I’m not quite kidding, not quite.
Prostitution requires a gym membership, maybe a pole installed in the upstairs hallway, for practice. Gym membership and exotic dancer pole would cost less than law school. Food for thought.
I strain my synapses. This is the year I bid farewell to writing-for-hire, I have decided. I need a plan, a big steady solid predictable PLAN. And I need to stay here, in fairly rural western Massachusetts, because of the shared custody arrangement. Eight? Ten more years? We need out of this hole, somehow, the girls and I. Back to school at some point for me, for a practical degree? Maybe, with scholarships. But what scholarships? What am I qualified to do?
I’ll be teaching an online writing class soon, hopefully, at a distance-learning university. I’ll keep you posted. That’s something concrete, something good, something to build on, in time.
I’m glad to see 2012. We’re pretty healthy, pretty happy. I try to remind myself of this when I sit at the dining room table, sorting bills into MUST, CAN’T, THROW THEM SOMETHING, PAY WITH CREDIT. I know the credit trap all too well, but sadly, it’s a necessary evil. I want to know how other single-parent households are getting by, especially in more rural areas, like ours. Some mornings, I wake up in a panic, and can’t find my breath—before I’ve even found my feet. I dream of bills, of money scattering in the wind, of never, ever having enough. The house needs work, will need to be sold, but I can’t pay for the work that would get it sold. I drive past houses where work is being done—roofs repaired, gutters replaced, steps re-cemented. I am mystified. Who are these people? How did my life get so off-track, that I cannot begin to understand how simple house repairs can be budgeted for? How do others get by, those who live outside urban areas?
We continue to live hand-to-mouth. Food and heat and warm clothes for the girls—this is as far as I can stretch my imagination, right now. I love to write. It’s the only career that I know, so far. But I need to let it go, find something to replace it. I won’t stop writing, because it’s too much a part of who I am. But I will move on, let this dream be. I can’t—won’t—expect it to provide for us, anymore. I need a new path, a road more often taken.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Girl. Email meh. I have ideas for online teaching gigs, places I used to teach. Mkay? Mkay.
This is EXACTLY where I am at. Or was, at the beginning of this year. I’m going to grad school for social work now (only remotely feasible because my husband works at the university where I am going to school and so I get half off tuition) and hoping that the jobs are there when the loans come due. Writing just isn’t sustainable anymore, not when my former client comes back with a “great opportunity” after suspending the work I was getting paid to do, and yep, the opportunity doesn’t actually come with money attached, and that’s just been par for the course the last several years. There’s such a perception out there (helped along by sites ike the Huffington Post) that writers should be glad to be paid in notoriety, which my mortgage company does not accept as currency.
Oh, my dear. I hear you. I wish you love and blessings and a steady cash flow.
I make $34,000 a year in Toronto, where rent for a 2-bdrm close to work and school is $1240/month. So, 57% of my take-home pay goes to rent. I can cover car insurance and food and gas and nothing else. Not clothes. Not a parking ticket. I drive with my ‘check engine’ light on and hope for the best. I lost access to subsidized childcare when I couldn’t find a space in a before-and-after school program that qualified for the subsidy. That expense comes out of the ‘baby bonus’ I get for being a impoverished single parent.
I am looking at the gift cards my daughter received for Christmas and wondering what I can sell them for. I need clothes for work more than she needs toys. I already spent the money my parents and grandmother gave me for Christmas on rent.
I don’t have an education but going into debt to spend 4 yrs going to school doesn’t seem to be the answer when I see jobs for grads offering $12/hr.
Both sex work and the food bank seem just a step away.
My mom (single mom, 2 kids, way back in the 80s/90s) got by with: govt assistance; child support; a secretarial job for awhile; a number of low-paying, menial jobs; and quite a lot of help from my grandmother.
I’ll be praying for a large sum of money to drop from the sky, conveniently falling directly into your back yard.
Is there a community college near you? If so, beat down their doors, you can teach anything to do with theater with your MFA and you can teach comp classes. Keep pursuing any and all on-line universities (even if you don’t agree with their practices) to teach writing (most likely comp classes). I’ve been getting by and am starting a teaching certification course in May so there may be a tiny chance of becoming a high school teacher on top of adjuncting. I have a friend who has three kids from her first marriage and although she is married again (and he has two from his first marriage) she is teaching on-line and subbing and it’s way better than nothing.
I live in the middle of a biggish city in the south of France and have one full-time and one part-time job, but apart from those differences I’m in exactly the same position.
My ex (who didn’t work effectively, just got himself into debt) sucked any profit out of my professional existence and I’m still clawing my way back up. I’m currently dealing with an agency that buys all your loans and puts together a single payment (lower sum, longer time) just to save me from bankruptcy. My ex wants (and is, apparently, entitled to) his share of our home (we weren’t married, we paid the same deposit each: €24000; he wants the value of the flat re-evaluated. That plus legal fees leave me “owing” him roughly €36000). The only mail I get is final reminders; my private account is overdrawn by almost €7000 and I owe money EVERYWHERE. I dream of money, dream of not having to worry about it all the time. And above all I wonder how I got myself into such a mess – I have a post-graduate degree, two good jobs (one freelance, with social contributions THROUGH THE ROOF, roughly 47% of my income BEFORE TAX, one paid twice-yearly, which SUCKS).
I wish you all the very best, sincerely. I know how hard it is, I’m struggling mightily too and find it so easy to just block out all the “real” stuff and fold myself up in fantasy land, but that’s not working for me.
I’m trying to do the best for my own two girls, but can’t help but feel that I’m letting them down.
I can’t offer any concrete advice (though teaching is certainly a viable option – my part-time job is teaching at the local university), but I can offer moral support.
Here’s to a 2012 that is the best year we’ve both had in a while!
Sorry to hear of your troubles! This Holiday season was one of the worst for us, too.
My children and I live in a suburban area, but I’m widowed and we have no family around. Just after Thanksgiving, my daughter was diagnosed with a bacterial infection. She’s since had to have surgery, multiple visits to urgent care, and is attached to an IV line dispensing antibiotics every 8 hours. We have plenty of friends but, trust me – nobody wants to think about a single mother of two children dealing with a major health issue at this time of year. They want to be celebrating with their families and thinking about how full and happy their own lives are.
Luckily, we have healthcare (about 1/3 of our monthly income pays for this), but the out-of-pocket expenses will be enormous. 2012 is essentially dedicated to not only sustaining our current lifestyle (which is in no way lavish!), but also paying for medical bills incurred over the past few weeks.
We do receive some government support, but we have no savings, have had our Internet shut off at least 3 times over the past year, and received more than a couple warnings about having water & electricity shut off due to late bill payment. I am constantly seeking new creative solutions for when the bills pile too high.
Here are some of the solutions we’ve found for surviving as a single-parent family in a horrible economy:
* Barter – I’ve traded French and Yoga lessons for preschool, food for childcare (and vice-versa), home-cooked meals for groceries, hand-me-down clothing for new toys for my children
* eBay – Granted, this only works if you have things to sell, but I’ve slowly been getting rid of everything of value, and helping support us in the process.
* Growing our own food – Lots of Kale! Raising chickens. Produce enough of anything and you also have something valuable to trade.
* Creative use of skills – I’ve consulted on how to start-up a creative small business (and exit strategies!), run a pre-school out of my home, taught yoga & French lessons, and miscellaneous other odd jobs that fit into my single-parent lifestyle.
As much as it pains me to hear other people’s stories of financial suffering, especially single parents’, I think it’s important that we stop pretending that everything is OK and start sharing ideas & solutions.
As a lawyer, my honest recommendation is prostitution.
“The house needs work, will need to be sold, but I can’t pay for the work that would get it sold. I drive past houses where work is being done—roofs repaired, gutters replaced, steps re-cemented. I am mystified. Who are these people? How did my life get so off-track, that I cannot begin to understand how simple house repairs can be budgeted for?”
I totally get this. I feel that way about people who go on vacation, or get to do major renovation projects on their home. My hubs and I work so hard just to pay for expenses (a sizable chunk to pay off our second mortgage and tons of medical bills from issues we both had this year) and in the end it leads to nothing. He even went to grad school to get himself out of working retail and still didn’t find a job with his degree and those payments are coming due and I don’t know how we’re going to afford them.
I remind the hubs that there are a lot of people like us that bought at the height of the bubble and can’t find a job. So you’re not alone! I actually pinned this poster from Etsy and seeing it makes me feel better: http://img2.etsystatic.com/il_fullxfull.152425442.jpg
Best of luck to you. You are a phenomenal writer and I hope you can find meaningful work that pays the bills and allows you to enjoy all the things you truly love. I so enjoyed your ‘So 2011′ post, btw.
I wish I had a better answer for all of us. Being in similar circumstances, I keep thinking about taking in a boarder–preferably one with carpentry skills who will trade room and board for working on my house so I can sell it. Beyond that, I’ve come to the conclusion that we all need to learn how to live in multi-household households and survive it somehow, because too many of us can’t keep doing this alone. When half or more of your income goes to taxes and insurance, disaster is inevitable. The health care/insurance cartel is a criminal obscenity.
Don’t give up writing. You’re brilliant. Hang on.
Oh dear, I’m so sorry. Things are terrible financially here as well. Some ideas: 1) getting some groceries from a food bank will help free up cash to pay bills 2) same w/ applying for food stamps. 3) What would happen if you just walked away from the house? I sold mine (lost a ton of money), but the huge emotional boost I got from not having to deal w/ the responsibility of it is hard to overstate. I feel so much more capable of dealing w/ everything else w/o that house burden on my shoulders. 4) I am in the midst of a career change as well. I left teaching (adult-ed ESL) because it was too much work for not enough $, no benefits, no job security, etc. I worked part time for a while doing research & technical writing and, though I love both research & writing, found that I HATED it as a job — I couldn’t stand being sedentary in front of the computer and working alone. I looked at my other skills and 10+ yrs of experience of mothering and thought, “how can I get paid well to take care of people?” Answer: healthcare. I’m working on my nursing degree now. I first got my CNA license — you can do it in a 6-wk or shorter class through a community college or the Red Cross and could realistically then have a steady job w/in 3-4 mos. You will be painfully more educated/intellectual than most of your coworkers and some of your supervisors, but it is a stepping stone and will bring in money fast. As a CNA you can probably expect to earn ~$12-15/hr, which isn’t a lot (~$28,000 before taxes) but as an educated, kind, respectful, native English speaker you can probably get private CNA/Home Health Aide/PCA work for $20/hr or more. If you can take it, you can earn extra working double shifts on the weeks your kids are with their dad. But, of course, the real $ is in nursing — and with your degrees already, you can get an associate degree/RN in 2 years, maybe a little more if you need some science pre-reqs. It’s one of the fastest routes to a professional-level job. That’s what I’m currently doing. It is very hard to juggle school and kids but if you have any interest in health care I encourage you to think about it. You’ll be surrounded by other single moms who will totally get where you’re at. It’s a field that will offer long-term job growth & stability. I’m sorry that you cannot make a living doing what you love, but I think you will get a lot of emotional benefit from a steady, reliable paycheck. And I hope that you find a new career path that you do really enjoy as well.
Mostly, I wish you endurance, hope, and some luck too. I so appreciate reading what your write. Thanks for sharing your stories. It makes me feel less alone, as I similarly wonder “where did I go wrong?” Best wishes from a fellow Grinnell alum.
@Dan is hilarious! Prostitution, ha! But I agree, don’t bother with law school. It’s too much money and time to invest for not enough security at the end. Even if you can find a well-paying legal job, it will be incompatible with the kind of home life you value.
When I was a kid, we were briefly in a similar position as you. My mom found two part-time secretarial jobs, which tided us over, then got a slightly better administrative job with the state. Then she got her MBA at night school so she could move into management. High school kids took care of me and my sister, I learned to cook dinner at age 8, but everything worked out really well in the long run.
In your position, I guess I’d look at the types of jobs most available in my area, figure out what would take me the least amount of time to get qualified, and aim at those.
Get on Craigslist and offer child care in your home…people pay ridiculous amounts to daycare centers and you could offer a much better alternative at a more affordable (but still attractive for you) rate. It would be a win/win for everyone and you wouldn’t have to pay $ to go back to school!
This makes me so sad for you, but so proud of you at the same time. You continue to bust your ass, and to change course is the bravest thing possible. You are a good mama.
This makes me so sad for you, but so proud of you at the same time. You continue to bust your ass, and to change course is the bravest thing possible. You are a good mama.
Oof. Yeah.
Days I wish I would have chosen something realistic and normal for a career. Anything but ART.
Praying for breath and faith and new opportunities for you.
Job opening at animal shelter in Pittsfield. This would seem perfect for you if the schedule works.
http://jobview.local-jobs.monster.com/Animal-Shelter-Assistant-Job-PITTSFIELD-US-104397897.aspx?ch=berkshire
What about vet tech? You can do it with on-the-job training – there is no real certification. Neither one pays very well, but it might help to pay some of those bills.
Good luck!
Another single mum with a similar story. My plan for 2012 is to find a “day job” that will let us step back from the edge. Writing for a living is on hold for n
Another single mum with a similar story. My plan for 2012 is to find a “day job” that will let us step back from the edge. Writing for a living is on hold for now.
hell. I think the person mentioning offering daycare in your home is onto something – contact the local colleges and universities (I know you have a bunch) and put up signs at their child-care facilities, university parents are way too busy and would appreciate you. I can say from personal experience that there is a snow-balling population of parents with children on the autism spectrum who are desperate for respite/child care workers who can THINK. we pay our babysitters $15-25/hour. I make $24/hour at the better of my part-time jobs, so we can’t do this often, but you could contact any local organizations that provide services to people with disabilities and you will find that it takes horrifyingly little training…. and you might get someone as cute and wonderous as our kid, he’s really not any more work than a neurotypical kid….
and I have ideas about getting your house fixed up, but I have to go teach now! will FB soon. they’re good ideas, I promise.
Hang in there, and please take one more step away from the prostitution idea!!!
When I was in between jobs and a somewhat newly single parent trying to figure out “what next,” a temp agency was my godsend. I used one that specialized in professionals (including writing/journalism/communications people) for temporary placement, often on short-term, part-time gigs. It gave me an opportunity to provide insurance for my daughter (even when working part-time) AND breathe while I figured out next steps. Plus, exposure to real-life working people who actually valued what I did and in several cases, invited me to stay on as a full-time employee. It could be worth your time to check into it as an option, even as a part-time opportunity. Email me if you want to know the agency I worked with. They have nationwide offices, potentially in your area.
Wow, I’m so sorry. I will be hoping you can find a solution soon. These stories here–I am admiring you all so much for struggling for your kids. It is very painful to read because I know that feeling of wanting to give them everything and thinking that is so important. But in the end, even lessons and things are not so significant when they have you. This is what they need.
We both have good jobs but can’t pay all the bills and so I do take in boarders. I have 2 more people living in my house right now than my family. It’s not big–1500 square feet. This is the easiest way to make money if you own your own home (or even if you rent). We sleep in the same room on cold nights because we can’t afford to fix the heat in the room we moved into. It is pretty clear we won’t ever be able to fix it. (I think we can get some kind of heater that works better than the little one we have but I don’t know what kind is the best.)
I mention this mainly because it has worked so well. It’s the luckiest thing and if there is any chance at all of doing this, I recommend it. Somehow we made the space (we invested in doors on one room and made a room out of a side room) and I realize it might not work for everyone.
I always wonder why a regular middle class life is so beyond many people now. What happened? Isn’t there some way to fix it?
Another thing to consider: Energy efficiency program through the utilities company. They weatherproof your house and you can get a zero percent loan for weatherproofing and a new heater.
Your post is timely, I just had a conversation with a friend where I admitted that there have been many moments in my life where I considered being a phone sex worker to make ends meet. Never did have to go there, but I give you that anecdote to say I feel your pain. Can you imagine not REALLY having a choice? There are prostitutes who sell the only thing the market values in them in order to put food on the table for their family. Sad. We are not wealthy, but I’m so glad I live in a country/area where I have choices. I hope you consider all of yours and try one at a time till you find something that works for you and your family.
Financial woes seem to reach crisis level in the winter. Or maybe it just feels that way. I like the suggestions that you’re getting here, at least. I’m thinking about investing a dollar in the lottery regularly–I’ll share with you if I win. Or perhaps I could just hope a money tree suddenly sprouts–although I’d settle for an economy that provides a little help instead of a wagonload of worry.
I’m right there with you. I’m a single mom of 2 girls and making ends meet is one of the hardest things to do. I desperately want to go back to school for nursing but how the heck can you when you have to work full time to barely get the bills paid AND be a full time single mom? My only saving grace is tax time because it lets me catch up a little. Email me and we can commiserate together…..
How about a certificate program? Perhaps CNA, or nedical assistant? Something that requires little up-front cost, a small amount of time investment in training, and a pretty good chance of a full-time job in the end.I heard that Montessori school assistant trainng in Mass. is 6 months, too. Good Luck….