If I were an NBC sitcom star, I just know they would pick me to deliver one of those “The More You Know” gold-nuggets-of-advice spots between commercials.
Don’t do drugs! Abstinence is cool! Racism is for losers! Love your own totally gorgeous unique self, unless you’re one big fuggaroo, in which case, you’re on your own! I’m Mariska and my mother was Jayne Mansfield! Talk about great bone structure! The More You Know!
I am not an NBC sitcom star, because I have crooked bottom teeth, a wide nose, way too much junk in the trunk, a violent allergy to both New York City and L.A, and I sleep with pillows on my head.
So I sit on my junky trunk and write a blog instead. But! There’s no reason you should be cheated out of my The More You Know!
EXCEPTION: Now, some of you (only you, God and your unbelievably unfortunate dogs know who you are) leave comments that read I WANT TO F**K A DOG UP THE *SS. I do not expect to be able to reach you, you with your miserable, quaking curs slitting their fuzzy wrists on your bathroom floor. You people need a very different The More You Know!, one that I am not qualified to deliver, maybe something along the lines of Samuel L. Jackson growling at the camera:
F**king a dog ain’t cool, dude! Be a real best friend to man’s best friend! Go plushie, man! The More You Know! All right!
No. No no. Godspeed to you and those godforsaken canines. Please do not contact me again.
I have other things to tell the world. My The More You Know! goes like this:
Wondering what to say to a sad friend? Here’s what you don’t say: you don’t preface a sentence with YOU JUST HAVE TO or YOU JUST NEED TO or IF YOU COULD JUST.
Why? I’ll tell you why. If any one of those phrases finds its way out of your well-meaning mouth and into a truly sad person’s ears, it becomes mighty clear mighty fast to him or her that profound, persistent sadness is not your forte, and trying to explain it to you will be about as helpful as trying to explain the difference between chartreuse and spring green to someone who’s colorblind.
I tell you this because that sad person is going to think twice before telling you anything the next time around. The More You Know, The More You Won’t! This is not good for you, nor is it good for the very sad person.
So what to do? There are a few options. If you don’t understand this kind of sadness, first give thanks (privately, please). Admit that you don’t know the difference between chartreuse, spring green and sage. Admit that it is painful not to know, not to understand, because you care. Admit that it is confusing to you, and that you want to help. Repeat as necessary.
Encourage your favorite sad person to talk. If he or she can’t talk, not then, let your favorite sad person know that’s okay too. If your favorite sad person does not like the phone—gets twitchy at the mere mention of the phone—then email. Email is often a great way to stay connected to your favorite sad person. It requires no happy face on his or her part. Don’t like email? Send a letter. Believe you me, you might not hear back, but it will be appreciated. Your favorite sad person is not being rude. Be pissed off, be annoyed, be whatever you feel, then say to yourself these very important words: This is not about me.
If your sad friend or relative does start talking, listen. Listen. Listen hard, listen well. Then listen some more. Ask a few questions, for clarification, if you must, but do not preface those questions with BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST or HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF. They fall into the same category as the other three Bad News Bears statements, and inside, the sad person will die a little more. Because most sad people have already tried the WHAT IF YOU JUST, and they have certainly thought of the HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF. Sad people are not stupid people. Sad people are deeply, deeply frustrated by their inability to use their smarts to make themselves feel better. This frustration converts easily to shame. Don’t help it along.
Don’t ask too many questions. Questions are hard for truly sad people. They are very embarrassed about not having answers. Answers don’t come easily when you are really sad. Breathing is hard too. Fog in the head, in the mouth, in the chest, in the gut. Thick fog, sometimes. They might not be able to tell you what’s in the refrigerator, where the kids are going to camp, what restaurant they ate at the other night, how they’ve been. It’s not that they are flaky; it’s just that when the thick fog rolls in, the words simply won’t come.
When I say truly sad people, I’m not talking about your whiny Aunt Tess who always has something to moan about, enjoys a good moan, always did. I’m not talking about your Eeyore pal Bob who will continue talking you to death about his lifetime misery. If you’re having identification problems, here’s a tip: the saddest person around is often the one who looks the happiest at a party, if he or she manages to get to that party. The truly sad, overwhelmed folks are mortified at the prospect of becoming your Aunt Tess or pal Bob. Unlike Aunt Tess or pal Bob, who don’t mind being the way they are, and blame the rest of the world for All That Sucks.
Truly sad people blame themselves first. Almost always. They do not blame you, or their ex-wife’s family, or their co-workers, or their children. Their pain comes from within, not from external sources.
Truly sad people know they are blessed. They can see their many blessings. The problem is, the happiness that is supposed to trot beside those blessings will not come when they call. No amount of wishing or wanting will make that damned blessed happiness come back home.
This is a horrifying dilemma for a truly sad person. Again, they are smart, and they know perfectly well there are many reasons to be happy. Do not remind them of those reasons. It will not help the situation. If you don’t believe me, sit on your bed for four hours straight and repeat over and over, in a loud cheery voice, I AM BLESSED I AM BLESSED I AM BLESSED. See if that exercise makes you feel blessed, or just very, very tired. (If it makes you feel extrasuperspecial blessed, consider a career change to motivational speaker.)
Truly sad people are following all the get-better, get-happy rules. They have been for some time, for longer than you know. They have been working round the clock trying to Make It Better, Make It Stop, Follow Directions, Think Positive Thoughts, Consider Yoga, Take Fish Oil, Get More Exercise, Get a Second Opinion, Read That Book, Stop Wallowing, Accept Jesus Christ As Savior, Embrace Buddhism, Have More Sex, Take More Pills, Take Less Pills, Put Affirming Post-Its On Mirror.
The truly sad folks who hear you say IF YOU WOULD JUST perceive doubt and bafflement in your voice. They do not wish to be a Sad Irritating Nuisance to you (or to anyone), so they are quick to clam up. If you’d like them to clam up, then by all means, say IF YOU WOULD JUST or MAYBE YOU NEED TO a few times. That will do the trick.
Otherwise, go lightly, go kindly, and keep listening. There are no easy fixes. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.
My mother is not Jayne Mansfield and I have junk in my trunk! But my dogs are happy! The More You Know!
{ 3 trackbacks }
{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for saying it so well. September always makes me “weary” (as do most holidays, the dark months of winter, and anything related to the parent teacher organization – just for starters). I’ve tried it all too, and probably on one of my better days have even said , “Have you ever tried..” Because I always forget how bad it feels until I’m THERE again.
Keep writing. We’re listening.
this sadness you speak of, i have become painfully familiar with it. you summed it up beautifully. perfectly. if only i could just tell ppl to read your blog when they dont understand.
i have recently moved, going to college, and the sadness has seeped in. ive always dealt with clinical depression, but this is on a new level. but reading your post gave me a sense of comfort.
thank you.
Dear Sometimes-Sad Writer Person, I’d like for you to meet one of my friends, another sometimes-sad writer person.
http://dispatchesfromkansas.blogspot.com/2007/09/confluences-of-rivers-and-lives.html
Thank you for writing this. I needed to read it, and will ponder.
I once read a quote from someone in my community who suffered from severe depression. He said, “People kept telling me to pull up my socks! The trouble was, I couldn’t even find my socks.”
Still here listening. Still here slowly understanding a little more each time you write. I’ve been there once, don’t want to go back. Have no clue why it left. So many loved ones experiencing the same thing and NEVER any closer to The Answer…
…keep talking….still listening….
What a service you’ve done here by writing this in just this way. Bravo. You’re right. 99% of us have no fucking idea.
And also? Virtual hugs, kisses, ice cream, liquor, teddy bears, whatev is your pleasure, being sent by me, your way.
And I am listening, I am. Listening hard, listening well, or doing my best to.
Bravabravabrava. And Amen. This is beautiful.
Thank you. Thank you a hundred times over.
I am so sorry that you have the knowledge to write so insightfully about truly sad people, but you’ve said something very important here. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this. Your sad and my sad, they are not so very different. It would be nice for someone to listen.
I’m over here in the corner (I have spent a lot of time in this corner, since moving, fielding similar “useful” suggestions), holding a lighter above my head to indicate my conviction that you, m’dear, are a rock star.
Does the companionship here help? Is it better to know that others feel something similar? I will have to think if that ever helped me….
Still, to feel someone was really listening (without having to pay them for the hour), that would feel good, I think.
Sigh.
Mariska, aka mental health professional, has inspired me to say: “Jenn, the next time you feel a negative thought, why don’t you stop yourself and think a happy thought instead? Break the chain of sadness.”
For the love of God …
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. I’ve struggled for years with family, friends, and teachers who gave me that funny puzzled look and said, “depressed about *what*?”
Depression is not a transitive state: there isn’t a what. I’m not depressed about something, I am depressed. Like you said, though, that’s like trying to describe the color red to the colorblind. *sigh*
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimmingswimmingswimming…
The problem is that you’re taking the piecemeal approach to your get-better, get-happy rules. What you should really do is think positive thoughts while having yoga sex, wallowing in fish oil, popping pills and shouting “Halleluia, Jesus!”
That would just chase those blues away.
Jenn, I wish I could learn how to do a darn trackback! I had to post a link to this because I’ve never seen a better post on what it feels like to be depressed and with such great advice for family and friends. Thank you for your help and insight.
Keep talking… Still listening…
Jos that’s my mantra too!
I love to SWIMMMMM…..
You put this so eloquently. The tricky part, for the sad person’s friend, who loves them and so desperately wants to help, is accepting that listening is all that they can do. It’s not as hard as being sad, but it can still be difficult to navigate. I like to think that I have gotten better with practice, so, I’m here, listening, to you and to all of my favorite sad people.
nell, you’ve said it well. Sometimes presence is the greatest gift of all to the friend in need. Words are not necessary; compassion is.
well spoken, jenn.
especially the blessings part. WTG!
Thank you ~ I know a truly sad person (my brother) and have often wondered what to say or not say so that he knows I care without sounding like I know how to fix it, which I do not! I appreciate your words of wisdom and will definitely take them to heart! So thank you
Wow, great advice! Believe me, I’m not someone that just goes around complimenting people’s advice, I generally avoid advice of all kinds. So coming from me, that is quite a compliment.
I’m one of those perpetually happy people who sad people for some reason always want to confide in. I just never know what to say when someone tells me the terrible things they’re going through. I am a good listener, mainly because I never know what to say that might be in any way helpful. I will be printing this out!
This is so well written! An oh-so-true post about sadness that makes me laugh, too. Awesome.
“because I have crooked bottom teeth, a wide nose, way too much junk in the trunk, a violent allergy to both New York City and L.A, and I sleep with pillows on my head.”
The Discovery Channel has a show to solve each of these maladies.
I love you even when you’re sad, Jenn, although it breaks my heart when the sun isn’t shining for you. Truly sad sucks.
I’m speechless. You nailed it so perfectly, I just don’t know what to say.
Wow, thanks for writing this great advice… like someone wrote above, I’m amazed that you wrote about such a hard topic but made us all laugh while we read it.
Can’t you invent a claim to fame that would give you the “right” to get up and say this very important stuff, just as clearly and compassionately as you have here, to anyone who will sit still for long enough? It needs to be heard!
What about Henry VIII’s (illegitimate, of course) great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter? Or, along the same – classy, historical, utterly unverifiable lines – direct descendant of the Pilgrim Fathers?
Ah… sorry, not very inventive here and, as an Englishwoman living in Paris, nor am I at all sure what would carry enough kudos in the States. But surely you or one of your smart readers could find something?
I understand completely. I feel this way, too, and I suffer endless guilt that I just “can’t get offer it.” According to my mother, if I took the right combination of vitamins, or did yoga (which I do), I wouldn’t feel this way. I wish it were that simple. As it is, I face the decision to go back on anti-depressants, because I just may not be able to really function without them.
I should e-mail this to my friends who have adopted me as their favorite sad person. So maybe I am truly sad, going through less than cheery times, and laughing about it too. (I do, and I guess that makes me truly sad… or crazy) But I have to say, it annoys me to see people confuse us, the truly sad, with the depressed bunch. Jen, it’s not the same. You might want to clear that up. Depressed people live under the sheets and are unable to pack a decent school lunch. Depressed people are too down and out to write daily affirmations, pay gym membership, and think pink thoughts. I’m not one of them yet, I’m proud to say my ass hurts from many leg lifts and my mind is set on pink. Barbie pink, with tons of glitter, bubbles and the scent of cotton candy. (I’m really trying) So–changing the subject– you might want to address Britney’s comeback: I know it may be a little off key here BUT she is a mother of two, possibly beyond depressed, has her own issues (weight being non existant. the woman had two kids in two years!!!!!), and is in serious need of a ticket to Iceland. My little backpack of troubles seems lighter already.
You hit the nail on the head. Thank you.
Very well written post.
Listening.
Thanks for saying it- and so beautifully. I’m also a truly sad person, and equally frustrated by misguided attempts to help. (Hearing “Cheer up” just makes me want to cry, even when it’s not directed at me.) I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this post.
I found your blog through Dr. Moz. Love it! I really loved this post. It was so well written and so right on. I’m glad to have found this! Will be stopping by often!
- Audrey
Pinks & Blues
Thank you for writing this, from all of us who usually just can’t find the words. Thank you.
I have known sadness, but honestly nothing like you describe here. I think it is hard for many people to know how to respond when someone is depressed, and I swear to you they aren’t trying to be insensitive or jerks on purpose. They just don’t know what to do. So if just listening helps, then that’s very good to know. The problem is, not everyone needs the same thing.
Jenn,
I have known this kind of sadness. I tried to pick myself up and “just get over it” and try to be happy for all the wonderful things I had. I would cry all day long everyday for “no reason” except that I was just sad. I didn’t know what to do. No one, even my own best friend, who has dealt with severe depression for years, understood. They all said, “don’t worry, it’ll be ok” “You just need to think of the great things you have going for you.” It wasn’t that easy, as you said so well.
The thing that worked for me just happened to be Wellbutrin. That was a couple years ago. Man, did it work wonders! I don’t know if you have spoken to anyone about that or tried any. I think I read Lexapro in one of your articles. Anyway, after about 5 days I felt like myself again. It was great!
I was worried that I would loose myself, my creativity and all of that stuff. Well, what happened, was I just felt like me again. Not overly happy, not still overly sad. No dark thoughts. That’s the big one. I was having very scary very dark thoughts. But, anyway, I still had my range of emotions which I value a lot. It was still pretty extreme, but no actual depression anymore. Well, I just went off the meds last week and so far so good. I don’t have the pervasive sadness that I once had and I am so thankful for that.
I don’t know if you’re taking anything, medication wise, but just know that you don’t have to try to get through this alone. We are all here for you. Thank you for your wise words and helping everyone who doesn’t know what to do, have a clue what to do and what not do to. Thank you and I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone. I wish everyone in my family would read this post.
I’m a long-time lurker, but, My God, that was amazing. I had a bit of a breakdown about 6 months ago and found myself tounge-tied trying to explain it to anyone who has not dealt with depression. I wish you had written this then, so I could have printed it out and handed to everyone I know. Beautifully and articulately written.
when you’re ready, there are families and entire communities waiting to hear this answer to the question that weighs heavily on their hearts. Those who love truly sad people are being offered “mental health first aid” courses in Canada and Australia – they’re attending conferences and workshops to beat the band – but right now, right here you have given the answers that we crave. we want to know what we can do – and you told us. honestly, purely and with great kindness and insight. thank you – you made my week.
I’d be really good in one talking about the dangers of drinking and taking your antidepressants. And while I have pretty good teeth, it’d be the perpetually haggard expression and permanent wreck of the Hesperus ‘look’ that I’ve perfected irrespective of how long I spend attempting to look good that would probably put me out of the running for consideration.
GAH. I posted my comment and then your whole post appeared (I’m clearly having a seniors moment over here) and now I appear all shallow and superficial. When I know sad.
Derrrr.
Disregard previous comment.
Move along.
Nothing to see.
As someone who’s been hospitalized twice for depression, you have no idea how awesome I find this. Wonderful stuff.
Nodding in agreement while listening very very carefully.
now it’s your turn to do it for me……..
me too sweetie, me too.
Stupid anxiety/sadness that has no basis b/c of all the blessings.
If you would just….
… get this message through to everyone on this planet, the world would be a kinder, more sympathetic place.
Along similar lines, I read an article recently talking about how people today react to sad news. They always feel the need to cheer the person up or fix the situation saying things like “You’ll get through this in time” or “God wouldn’t give you what you couldn’t handle” or even “It’s for the best really…” When in truth there is absolulty nothing that can be done. Honestly, if a person looses a loved one they SHOULD be sad…and what could you say that would make them not sad. The gist of the article was that we have to stop trying to fix things and just say “I’m sorry.” nothing more. It’s the truth and it means so much more than any silly platitude ever could. You could also add “Just listen” to that list and I think you would have very good instruction on how to be a good friend, spouse, parent, etc…
On another note, not to sound petty but, how come on those “The more you know” PSAs it’s always some really beautiful person telling us to love ourselves no matter what we look like. Seriously, all I can think when I see those is “Please girl…gain 20 pounds and some zits and then come talk to me.”
Just make sure you say it while peeking out from beneath your blankets. Because, you know, no matter how wise the words, everyone needs a unique selling point. I think you’ve found yours.
Number 44 isn’t the only one who now feels shallow and superficial…I commented before I read it all…serves me right.
Wow. I really need to send this one on.
Thanks for this one Jenn.