This is Facebeg! Everyone Can Join! Sign Up Now!
Excuse me?
This is Facebeg! Get Connected! Stay Connected!
I’m not really a joiner—
This is Facebeg! Everyone Can Join! Sign Up Now, Comrade!
Well, you’re very compelling, as a brand, I’ll give you that—
This is Facebeg! Everyone Will Join! Heil, Facebeg!
Um—
Welcome to Facebeg, Jennifer!
Wow, how did you get me to do that? No. Seriously.
Jennifer, you currently have no friends.
You currently have no notifications.
You currently have no mail.
Everyone else has friends, Jennifer.
Everyone else has notifications.
Everyone else has mail. And they’re getting poked. Some are getting SuperPoked.
What’s happening? I didn’t think this was that kind of site—
That smell coming out of your laptop speaker holes?
It’s…not a dryer fire? I have a lint problem.
That is the fresh, happy scent of satisfied, stimulated Facebeggars all over the globe, Jennifer.
Do something, Jennifer.
Um, okaaay, I’m sure I can find some friends fast, I’m friendly—
Find friends, Jennifer!
What are you doing now, Jennifer?
RIGHT NOW, Jennifer. NOW, Jennifer.
I was, uh, I was going to look for, I don’t know, maybe…friends? Or, faces? You tell me.
Status, Jennifer. STATUS?
Not much. You know. Blogging. Unemployment insurance. Christ.
Pay attention, Jennifer.
Yes?
Answer the status prompt, Jennifer. You will be expected to change your status AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. What are you doing right now?
Crap. Now? Seriously?
Jennifer is:
Jennifer is:
Jennifer is:
Jennifer is: oh my God be smart be witty be funny
Jennifer is: wondering why people seem to think Facebeg is simple to use
Jennifer is: confused about Facebeg’s definition of ‘friend’
Jennifer is: eating a can of black olives for dinner true true true AND funny
That’s funny, right, Facebeg? Funny but true! Good! Authentic! Nice!
Find friends on Facebeg, now, Jennifer! NOW!
I was trying to in the first place but—
Everyone else has been on Facebeg for years. You are running out of time, Jennifer. Armageddon just joined Facebeg.
That doesn’t even make sense—
Find friends. Do it. Now. Before we revoke your Facebeg Privileges.
Find:
Find:
Find: Dear Lord this is worse than the VAX
USER NOT FOUND, Jennifer. Try again.
Find: Theo Grinnell
Add friend: Theo Grinnell
Theo will have to confirm that you are friends.
Wuh?!?
Is that you sweating, Jennifer? How unpleasant. This is supposed to be a pleasant environment, Jennifer. Don’t go stankin’ the place up and ruining it for everyone, Jennifer.
Well, Facebeg, honestly, I didn’t know it would be like this.
You don’t expect Theo Grinnell to be completely nondiscriminating, do you, Jennifer?
It’s just that, I mean, I remember him well, but what if—do people IGNORE people around here? I mean, could that happen, potentially?
Add a personal message, Jennifer. It may be your only hope.
Um, hi, Theo! Remember when you used to be able to levitate? That was wild! Do you still meditate? I don’t, I’m not very good at it. But if you let me be your friend on Facebeg, I’ll totally try harder and make a video! Ha! Ha!
If you add Theo as a friend, he will be able to see your profile.
Isn’t that…the, you know? The point? Or, wait…do I NOT want Theo Grinnell to see my profile? Is he a child molester? What do you know that I don’t?
If you add Theo as a friend, he will be able to see your profile.
Wait, is this a trick? Did I even make a profile? Did I give you people my social security number?
If you add Theo as a friend, he will be able to see your profile.
Do you mean my ACTUAL profile? Can you SEE me? From the left or the—ah, screw it. Okay. Tell me what to do next. I remember he was a good guy. I mean, at least, I think I remember, no, yeah. I do. I do.
Enter both words below, separated by a space.
Really? Two words in that inkblot?
Can’t read the words below? Try different words or an audio captcha.
I don’t know what an ‘audio captcha’ is, so I’ll go for Door #1.
URaneffin LoZER
U-R-a-n-e-f-f-i-n-L-o-Z-E-R. Hey. Wait a second, Facebeg. Is this a poke? Was that a SuperPoke?
Sick of these? They’re already sick of you too. Verify your account, Jennifer.
No, no, Facebeg! I’m logged in! I’m verified. I am a Verified Jennifer Mattern. I even put up some pictures of my kids and told you where I live! Because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do!
Verify your account, Jennifer.
I exist, Facebeg! We’ve been through this! I. EXIST. At least, I’m supposed to only exist to Friends of Friends. I signed up to exist only to Friends of Friends, and not the whole world. Right?
But you have no friends, Jennifer. And thus, no Friends of Friends.
Of course I do. Everyone has a friend. Everyone has a friend of a friend.
Prove it, Jennifer. Get poked. Facebeg will not document a poke on Your Wall.
My…what? Hey, look, now, I can exist without knowing whether a poke is a good thing or not around here. Hey. HEY! Facebeg? FACEBEG?
I see. YOU FACEBEG; THEREFORE, YOU ARE. We can use that.
YES! No. NO. Didn’t mean that. That came out wrong. Wait—
Facebeg is taking a lunch break now, Jennifer.
Wait, help!
You can do nothing until someone comes forth to claim you as a Friend, Jennifer.
I’ll take a Friend of a Friend. I don’t care at this point. I’ll take a Friend of a Friend of a Friend.
You can write on your Wall.
Look, even I recognize pathetic behavior when I see it. I’m not going to write on my own damn Wall. Wait? I get a Wall? Ooh, wait!
NOTIFICATIONS (1)
What just happened?
Did you truly go to college, Jennifer? Click on ‘Notifications’.
THEO GRINNELL HAS ADDED YOU AS A FRIEND.
See! See? Theo! Good ol’ Theo!
Congratulations, Jennifer. Now you can view Theo’s profile, and find out if he ever married that girl from grad school who was far hotter than you. I believe there’s one closeup of her perky rack.
I’m perfectly pretty for 38, Facebeg. I’m doing FINE! My friends tell me I’m FINE! And I can’t help what happened to my boobs, okay, I breastfed, so what, the money has to go to a new muffler—
LOOK AT THEM APPLES, JENNIFER. Congratulations, Theo!
I am SO buying a perky rack. Screw the muffler.
Facebeg does not allow obscenities.
Oh my God, Theo and his perky wife just threw a cow at me! Is that a poke? That seems like it must be a poke of some kind—does that mean he still likes me, or he made me a “Friend” just so he could throw a cow at me and laugh at my breasts with his wife? He did steal my bike back at college, come to think of it—
Until the student is ready, the teacher is taking a lunch break. You’re on your own, Jennifer.
NO! Tell me! Why is Theo throwing cattle? Wait! What do I do about it? Do I throw cattle back?
Find:
Find: Mia Cellino
Find: Emily Karr
Find: Annaliese Stedstrom
Find: Bobby Nash Who Bought Me Egg Salad
Find: Jackie Weissberger Because She’ll Be Nice to Me Because I Introduced Her to Her Husband When We Were in That Play Together and I Had to Get on a Chair and Talk About My Menstrual Blood
Find: Thomas Meglioranza the Famous Baritone Opera Singer Who Sang the Song that Guy Wrote About Me Back in College, Back When Thomas Was Just Singing to Totally Impress the Babes
NOTIFICATIONS (1)
Facebeg all I can see are rats rats tapping levers pellets pellets pellets damn you Facebeg pellets pellets was Stanley Kubrik involved in this tap tap tap
Thomas Meglioranza the Famous Baritone Opera Singer accepted your friend request, against all odds. 11:20pm
Send Thomas a personal message:
Tom, how much do I owe you? Will you write on my Wall? Will you sing at my Wall? If you sing at my Wall and no one is there to hear it, will you make a sound? Hello? Tom?
Tom?
Tom?? 
NOTIFICATIONS (1)
Mia Cellino the Cool Girl You Wish You Knew Better has also accepted your friend request, against somewhat better, but still improbable, odds
Mia! Hi! Wow! I love the flower in your hair! I totally did that! You know! Once! Then it died! Your kids are so cute! Do you like olives?
Mia Cellino sent you a vibrating cello. 11:46pm
Mia Cellino wrote on your Wall. 11:52pm
Message from Mia Cellino: FABULOUSNESS!!!
Jennifer Mattern wrote on Mia’s Wall: Totally!!!!!
Poke poke poke? OH THERE IT IS
Jennifer Mattern poked Mia Cellino.
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza are now friends.
Wuh?! Was that cause-and-effect? Facebeg? Anyone?
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza are now good friends.
Facebeg, that’s impossible. They don’t even know each other.
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza are now best friends.
There has to be some mistake. That’s absurd. Hey, Tom! I’m over here! POKE! POKE! COW!
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza are now better friends than you and Tom or you and Mia could ever hope to be.
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza can’t stop poking each other.
Jennifer Mattern has just thrown Good Karma at herself by mistake.
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza have gotten a room.
Theo Grinnell has joined Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza for a very special Facebeg trio.
Jennifer Mattern hiccuped no drank from a plastic cup NO threw a wretched little gummy bear at Theo, Mia and Thomas because it was all she could figure out how to do.
Theo, Mia and Thomas did not notice Jennifer Mattern’s gummy bear as it struck their naked flanks during their amorous social networking.
YOU HAVE ONE FRIEND REQUEST
Piotr A. Gasiorowski has made a friend request
CONFIRM OR IGNORE
Oh my God, wait, wait, I need more time, Piotr, Piotr, Piotr—
CONFIRM OR IGNORE
It’s Polish, I know that much, but…Piotr? Think, think, think—
CONFIRM OR IGNORE OR YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS AGAIN
I can’t IGNORE it, he’ll know I GOT it, do people IGNORE people, honestly?
FACEBEG COULD TELL YOU, BUT THEN WE’D HAVE TO KILL YOU. AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE.
Confirm
Jennifer Mattern and Piotr A. Gasiorowski are now friends.
Jennifer Mattern poked Piotr A. Gasiorowski.
Jennifer Mattern SuperPoked Piotr A. Gasiorowski.
Piotr A. Gasiorowski couldn’t care less about Jennifer Mattern’s poking because he is now best friends with Emily Karr and Annaliese Stedstrom.
Jennifer Mattern sent herself virtual chocolate because Jennifer Mattern realized that Jennifer Mattern is just another Facebeg notch in Piotr A. Gasiorowski’s belt.
Jackie Weissberger sent Jennifer Mattern a Zamboni. Click here to see it, or send something back.
Jennifer Mattern flailed wildly at her keyboard trying to send something back to Jackie Weissberger.
Jackie Weissberger sent Jennifer Mattern a hatching egg. Click here to see it, or send something back.
Jennifer Mattern popped one of the keys off her keyboard trying to find something to give Jackie Weissberger.
Jackie Weissberger sent Jennifer Mattern an Obama ‘08 button. Click here to see it, or send something back.
Jackie Weissberger got bored and logged off.
Jennifer Mattern hit herself in the face with a Bird Pillow.
Jennifer, you have no more friend requests.
Jennifer Mattern’s brain hemorrhaged, causing her head to hit the ‘off’ button on her Mac, and in the process, logging her out of Facebeg.
No one noticed.
Theo, Mia, Tom and Piotr A. Gasiorowski smoked cigarettes in bed and murmured quietly about existentialism.
Bobby Nash sent Jennifer Mattern an egg salad sandwich, then asked for it back and ate it himself.
{ 7 trackbacks }
{ 72 comments… read them below or add one }
Hah! Now I want to try to befriend you on Facebook. But I suppose that would make it hard to keep track of your actual friends.
Hilarious.
I love it. It’s such a ridiculous site, but so useful for stalking people you used to know.
brilliant. effing brilliant.
this is one-woman-show material, jenn.
it really is.
just don’t perform it at a retirement home.
you won’t get any laughs.
Don’t forget the Flair!
(You’ve still got the gift, BTW.)
(The writing gift, I mean, not a damn plant/button/sticker gift.)
I hope you don’t think I’m too cruel to be your friend, but I laughed at your pain, which was so like mine.
Oh this is priceless! This post makes me want to Super Poke you!
ROTFL!!! That Was Awesome!
I’ll be your facebeg friend. I can totally throw cows. I even HAVE a cow, occasionally, because I’m, you know, old that way.
HA! So brilliant. You’ve completely captured the essence of Facebeg.
Hee! I’m totally going to Facebook-friend you. I think you’d feel better if someone you don’t know sent you some virtual plants.
My word, this is udderly confusing to those of us who dare not cross that threshold. I’ve never been to Facebeg/blog/book/baloney and will be content to stay with my sci-fi web friends instead. We don’t throw cows but have been known to zat aliens on occasion.
omg. i totally quit facebeg. could not deal with the incessant poking and chicken/cow/mashed potato throwing. there was no end to it. be poked, poke back, be poked again, write on the wall (never did figure out that whole thing), take the movie trivia quiz, watch out for that stalker person.
i gave up. it was too much to do.
this post made me pee.
This was perfect. I’m beginning to despise facebeg but I can’t seem to stop logging in.
I just shared this on FB so that all my friends can read it.
Those who don’t laugh at it will be subsequently de-friended.
Despite the frenzied panic that Facebeg has wrought in your life, you can be assured of 2 things:
1. I have reconnected with a dear, sweet person whom I have missed very much and this time I AM NOT LETTING GO!
2. There is an egg-salad sandwich in the mail with your name on it.
Don’t eat it.
Much love and adoration to you.
Funny, I know so many people that feel anxiety when they check into their facebook. This is brilliant
This is hilarious!
Slouchy sent me. You funny!
Thank You!
I now have 31 friends, who I have not seen in 5 to 20 years… one who I had 1 class in highschool with, … they’re poking, and prodding, and saving rainforest, but my green patch is rotting and squirrels are infesting and I can’t even keep my real plants alive….AHHH!
I still refuse to tweet!
I will be your Facebeg friend and you can superpoke me ANYTIME YOU LIKE. I even used my real e-mail address in this comment just so you can find me. Just don’t throw a cow at me. I’m sensitive about the cow thing.
You made me laugh. I think it is hard too.
I laughed so hard I think I peed a little. Damn – should be doing those kegels, as instructed by my midwife. LOVE LOVE LOVE your writing! Please never stop blogging!
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t “get it”!
TOO funny. I was reading this and my daughter said, “You have a smile on your face. What’s happening to you?”
i think you’ve explained everything.
That made me laugh so hard tears squeaked from my eyes and now my stomach hurts.
facebeg..snick
awesome
Thank you. I now finally understand Facebook. And now I know I do not need it
See! This is why i don’t belong to facebook. Frankly, I don’t see the point. It’s hard enough trying to impress the people i have to see every day – the hey with the unseen masses, i say! Yeah, I’m an introvert and damned proud of it! (it helps that there’s no one around to contradict me)
Thanks for doing Facebeg by proxy for me. Now I don’t have to and I can do something worthwhile like scrub my bathroom instead.
I have very little good karma and a very sad greenpatch on facebook, my much younger sister has 450 friends and 350 photos of herself and flourishing applications! I do not understand the poking, I am too scared to poke someone! I think I have to go make you my friend now because this is hilarious. And I love your writing, yay
Now I’m wondering why nobody has thrown a cow at me. Am I not cow-worthy?
Hey! after following your writing for over a year I saw this entry and longed to ‘Friend you!
Um, yep.. I actually tried. And you think YOU feel dumb!
Oh dear gods, this may very well be the Very Best Blog Post Ever.
This is HILARIOUS. I came over this morning by way of Slouching Mom and immediately added you to my RSS. Awesome post. And I won’t be seeing you on Facebeg, because I tried that for about a month and then quit.
But if you’ve got a bunch of friends on Twitter? Now that can be fun.
You are an absolute scream! [that's a good thing by the way]
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. There’s a lot of us struggling to understand facebook.
So can you put my name on the wait list for a signed copy of your first book please?
Cheers
Why do I see your walls melting around you as you type this?
I’m not on Facebag but on LinkedIn which makes me feel so special as it tells me I have “NO RECOMMENDATIONS” every time I enter.
you are truly brilliant. i thought i was the only one scared of facebook.
you are brilliant. seriously. i really, really, don’t get facebook.
I JUST joined this week and am wondering why I did…I don’t really get it. Its not that I’m technologically challenged, I understand what I am supposed to DO, I just don’t understand WHY. I did find a college roommate and a college friend within minutes of signing up and then I was linked to all these people I went to high school with – am I supposed to “friend” them all, even those I wasn’t friends with in high school? And what exactly is the point of that? So we can say – “Hey, remember when we were both at Blank Blank Academy?” Huh. Meaningful. I’m not sure how long or if I’ll stick with it. Let’s all friend each other and then we’ll have a million friends and look uber-popular and we can poke the hell out of each other (is that a good thing?).
I’m pretty sure this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
I suck at Facebeg too.
Hysterical! You captured the essence of it. I have 62 plants for my green patch that are awaiting to be accepted, friend requests that sit and wait, b/c, well, I just can’t “accept” without SAYING something. Old friends, very old friends, new friends (huh? I see you everyday!) I feel better admitting that I don’t see the point, really.
I. Love. This. All of my insecurities in one hysterical blog post. Just brilliant!!!
I gave up on facebook. i decided i am not their target market and that possibly my age (40) precludes me from understanding the facebook phenomena. you see, Back in The Day, when i was a Young Person, we actually bought real beer for our friends and made real tangible, delicious pot brownies to share with everyone on the block. This virtual stuff – i am just too old and my senses are used to real things to ever transcend my social construction. So boo. to. facebook
Sad! I’ve been reading you for some time now and desperately want to friend you on Facebeg and send you tons of ridonkulous karmas and plants and whatnot, but the email you give, it does not work for me. So sad the Marie.
Ha! Perfect summary!
Shortly after entering the Facebeg world I went back in and stripped it all down–no “applications” and I never poke or throw back.
This post was great!
POKE
This post is genius, it reflects so well my experience with Facebook. I know for sure that I’m not their target demographic, and somehow that doesn’t bother me.
Amazing job describing the comments that get all over my facebook!
I’m pissing myself over here. Quelle laughter!
Too damn funny.
And I’m not a bot. And I’ll prove it. Watch this.
Here via Slouching Past 40 – this was brilliant.
Consider me your new stalker.
i still don’t totally get myspace….and it’s no longer cool…so if i wait just a bit longer, facebook will hopefully go away without my ever having to join in on the poking/throwing/befriending.
if i ever feel left out i will come back and read this blog entry again.