This is Facebeg! Everyone Can Join! Sign Up Now!
Excuse me?
This is Facebeg! Get Connected! Stay Connected!
I’m not really a joiner—
This is Facebeg! Everyone Can Join! Sign Up Now, Comrade!
Well, you’re very compelling, as a brand, I’ll give you that—
This is Facebeg! Everyone Will Join! Heil, Facebeg!
Um—
Welcome to Facebeg, Jennifer!
Wow, how did you get me to do that? No. Seriously.
Jennifer, you currently have no friends.
You currently have no notifications.
You currently have no mail.
Everyone else has friends, Jennifer.
Everyone else has notifications.
Everyone else has mail. And they’re getting poked. Some are getting SuperPoked.
What’s happening? I didn’t think this was that kind of site—
That smell coming out of your laptop speaker holes?
It’s…not a dryer fire? I have a lint problem.
That is the fresh, happy scent of satisfied, stimulated Facebeggars all over the globe, Jennifer.
Do something, Jennifer.
Um, okaaay, I’m sure I can find some friends fast, I’m friendly—
Find friends, Jennifer!
What are you doing now, Jennifer?
RIGHT NOW, Jennifer. NOW, Jennifer.
I was, uh, I was going to look for, I don’t know, maybe…friends? Or, faces? You tell me.
Status, Jennifer. STATUS?
Not much. You know. Blogging. Unemployment insurance. Christ.
Pay attention, Jennifer.
Yes?
Answer the status prompt, Jennifer. You will be expected to change your status AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. What are you doing right now?
Crap. Now? Seriously?
Jennifer is:
Jennifer is:
Jennifer is:
Jennifer is: oh my God be smart be witty be funny
Jennifer is: wondering why people seem to think Facebeg is simple to use
Jennifer is: confused about Facebeg’s definition of ‘friend’
Jennifer is: eating a can of black olives for dinner true true true AND funny
That’s funny, right, Facebeg? Funny but true! Good! Authentic! Nice!
Find friends on Facebeg, now, Jennifer! NOW!
I was trying to in the first place but—
Everyone else has been on Facebeg for years. You are running out of time, Jennifer. Armageddon just joined Facebeg.
That doesn’t even make sense—
Find friends. Do it. Now. Before we revoke your Facebeg Privileges.
Find:
Find:
Find: Dear Lord this is worse than the VAX
USER NOT FOUND, Jennifer. Try again.
Find: Theo Grinnell
Add friend: Theo Grinnell
Theo will have to confirm that you are friends.
Wuh?!?
Is that you sweating, Jennifer? How unpleasant. This is supposed to be a pleasant environment, Jennifer. Don’t go stankin’ the place up and ruining it for everyone, Jennifer.
Well, Facebeg, honestly, I didn’t know it would be like this.
You don’t expect Theo Grinnell to be completely nondiscriminating, do you, Jennifer?
It’s just that, I mean, I remember him well, but what if—do people IGNORE people around here? I mean, could that happen, potentially?
Add a personal message, Jennifer. It may be your only hope.
Um, hi, Theo! Remember when you used to be able to levitate? That was wild! Do you still meditate? I don’t, I’m not very good at it. But if you let me be your friend on Facebeg, I’ll totally try harder and make a video! Ha! Ha!
If you add Theo as a friend, he will be able to see your profile.
Isn’t that…the, you know? The point? Or, wait…do I NOT want Theo Grinnell to see my profile? Is he a child molester? What do you know that I don’t?
If you add Theo as a friend, he will be able to see your profile.
Wait, is this a trick? Did I even make a profile? Did I give you people my social security number?
If you add Theo as a friend, he will be able to see your profile.
Do you mean my ACTUAL profile? Can you SEE me? From the left or the—ah, screw it. Okay. Tell me what to do next. I remember he was a good guy. I mean, at least, I think I remember, no, yeah. I do. I do.
Enter both words below, separated by a space.
Really? Two words in that inkblot?
Can’t read the words below? Try different words or an audio captcha.
I don’t know what an ‘audio captcha’ is, so I’ll go for Door #1.
URaneffin LoZER
U-R-a-n-e-f-f-i-n-L-o-Z-E-R. Hey. Wait a second, Facebeg. Is this a poke? Was that a SuperPoke?
Sick of these? They’re already sick of you too. Verify your account, Jennifer.
No, no, Facebeg! I’m logged in! I’m verified. I am a Verified Jennifer Mattern. I even put up some pictures of my kids and told you where I live! Because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do!
Verify your account, Jennifer.
I exist, Facebeg! We’ve been through this! I. EXIST. At least, I’m supposed to only exist to Friends of Friends. I signed up to exist only to Friends of Friends, and not the whole world. Right?
But you have no friends, Jennifer. And thus, no Friends of Friends.
Of course I do. Everyone has a friend. Everyone has a friend of a friend.
Prove it, Jennifer. Get poked. Facebeg will not document a poke on Your Wall.
My…what? Hey, look, now, I can exist without knowing whether a poke is a good thing or not around here. Hey. HEY! Facebeg? FACEBEG?
I see. YOU FACEBEG; THEREFORE, YOU ARE. We can use that.
YES! No. NO. Didn’t mean that. That came out wrong. Wait—
Facebeg is taking a lunch break now, Jennifer.
Wait, help!
You can do nothing until someone comes forth to claim you as a Friend, Jennifer.
I’ll take a Friend of a Friend. I don’t care at this point. I’ll take a Friend of a Friend of a Friend.
You can write on your Wall.
Look, even I recognize pathetic behavior when I see it. I’m not going to write on my own damn Wall. Wait? I get a Wall? Ooh, wait!
NOTIFICATIONS (1)
What just happened?
Did you truly go to college, Jennifer? Click on ‘Notifications’.
THEO GRINNELL HAS ADDED YOU AS A FRIEND.
See! See? Theo! Good ol’ Theo!
Congratulations, Jennifer. Now you can view Theo’s profile, and find out if he ever married that girl from grad school who was far hotter than you. I believe there’s one closeup of her perky rack.
I’m perfectly pretty for 38, Facebeg. I’m doing FINE! My friends tell me I’m FINE! And I can’t help what happened to my boobs, okay, I breastfed, so what, the money has to go to a new muffler—
LOOK AT THEM APPLES, JENNIFER. Congratulations, Theo!
I am SO buying a perky rack. Screw the muffler.
Facebeg does not allow obscenities.
Oh my God, Theo and his perky wife just threw a cow at me! Is that a poke? That seems like it must be a poke of some kind—does that mean he still likes me, or he made me a “Friend” just so he could throw a cow at me and laugh at my breasts with his wife? He did steal my bike back at college, come to think of it—
Until the student is ready, the teacher is taking a lunch break. You’re on your own, Jennifer.
NO! Tell me! Why is Theo throwing cattle? Wait! What do I do about it? Do I throw cattle back?
Find:
Find: Mia Cellino
Find: Emily Karr
Find: Annaliese Stedstrom
Find: Bobby Nash Who Bought Me Egg Salad
Find: Jackie Weissberger Because She’ll Be Nice to Me Because I Introduced Her to Her Husband When We Were in That Play Together and I Had to Get on a Chair and Talk About My Menstrual Blood
Find: Thomas Meglioranza the Famous Baritone Opera Singer Who Sang the Song that Guy Wrote About Me Back in College, Back When Thomas Was Just Singing to Totally Impress the Babes
NOTIFICATIONS (1)
Facebeg all I can see are rats rats tapping levers pellets pellets pellets damn you Facebeg pellets pellets was Stanley Kubrik involved in this tap tap tap
Thomas Meglioranza the Famous Baritone Opera Singer accepted your friend request, against all odds. 11:20pm
Send Thomas a personal message:
Tom, how much do I owe you? Will you write on my Wall? Will you sing at my Wall? If you sing at my Wall and no one is there to hear it, will you make a sound? Hello? Tom?
Tom?
Tom?? 
NOTIFICATIONS (1)
Mia Cellino the Cool Girl You Wish You Knew Better has also accepted your friend request, against somewhat better, but still improbable, odds
Mia! Hi! Wow! I love the flower in your hair! I totally did that! You know! Once! Then it died! Your kids are so cute! Do you like olives?
Mia Cellino sent you a vibrating cello. 11:46pm
Mia Cellino wrote on your Wall. 11:52pm
Message from Mia Cellino: FABULOUSNESS!!!
Jennifer Mattern wrote on Mia’s Wall: Totally!!!!!
Poke poke poke? OH THERE IT IS
Jennifer Mattern poked Mia Cellino.
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza are now friends.
Wuh?! Was that cause-and-effect? Facebeg? Anyone?
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza are now good friends.
Facebeg, that’s impossible. They don’t even know each other.
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza are now best friends.
There has to be some mistake. That’s absurd. Hey, Tom! I’m over here! POKE! POKE! COW!
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza are now better friends than you and Tom or you and Mia could ever hope to be.
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza can’t stop poking each other.
Jennifer Mattern has just thrown Good Karma at herself by mistake.
Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza have gotten a room.
Theo Grinnell has joined Mia Cellino and Thomas Meglioranza for a very special Facebeg trio.
Jennifer Mattern hiccuped no drank from a plastic cup NO threw a wretched little gummy bear at Theo, Mia and Thomas because it was all she could figure out how to do.
Theo, Mia and Thomas did not notice Jennifer Mattern’s gummy bear as it struck their naked flanks during their amorous social networking.
YOU HAVE ONE FRIEND REQUEST
Piotr A. Gasiorowski has made a friend request
CONFIRM OR IGNORE
Oh my God, wait, wait, I need more time, Piotr, Piotr, Piotr—
CONFIRM OR IGNORE
It’s Polish, I know that much, but…Piotr? Think, think, think—
CONFIRM OR IGNORE OR YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS AGAIN
I can’t IGNORE it, he’ll know I GOT it, do people IGNORE people, honestly?
FACEBEG COULD TELL YOU, BUT THEN WE’D HAVE TO KILL YOU. AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE.
Confirm
Jennifer Mattern and Piotr A. Gasiorowski are now friends.
Jennifer Mattern poked Piotr A. Gasiorowski.
Jennifer Mattern SuperPoked Piotr A. Gasiorowski.
Piotr A. Gasiorowski couldn’t care less about Jennifer Mattern’s poking because he is now best friends with Emily Karr and Annaliese Stedstrom.
Jennifer Mattern sent herself virtual chocolate because Jennifer Mattern realized that Jennifer Mattern is just another Facebeg notch in Piotr A. Gasiorowski’s belt.
Jackie Weissberger sent Jennifer Mattern a Zamboni. Click here to see it, or send something back.
Jennifer Mattern flailed wildly at her keyboard trying to send something back to Jackie Weissberger.
Jackie Weissberger sent Jennifer Mattern a hatching egg. Click here to see it, or send something back.
Jennifer Mattern popped one of the keys off her keyboard trying to find something to give Jackie Weissberger.
Jackie Weissberger sent Jennifer Mattern an Obama ’08 button. Click here to see it, or send something back.
Jackie Weissberger got bored and logged off.
Jennifer Mattern hit herself in the face with a Bird Pillow.
Jennifer, you have no more friend requests.
Jennifer Mattern’s brain hemorrhaged, causing her head to hit the ‘off’ button on her Mac, and in the process, logging her out of Facebeg.
No one noticed.
Theo, Mia, Tom and Piotr A. Gasiorowski smoked cigarettes in bed and murmured quietly about existentialism.
Bobby Nash sent Jennifer Mattern an egg salad sandwich, then asked for it back and ate it himself.
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Most excellent post! Thats exactally how I felt when I signed up. Although I have discovered its good to check out the guys I’m meeting online before I decide to actually meet them.
Good luck, it gets better!
I facebooked briefly, but it annoyed me. Mostly it was annoying being poked and Superpoked and having turkeys thrown at me. Livejournal is much more my scene. However, knowing you facebook makes me curious about returning.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. And is exactly why I have resisted joining facebook. I am quite happy with blogging, thanks.
You are entirely too funny. Thank you for writing exactly what I can understand!
ROFL! That was HILARIOUS! xDD
Oh, this is spot on … only better.
Really entertaining and clever.
This is spot-on. I don’t get into the poking and all that – but there are a lot of really fun games. ‘Cause I really *need* more ways to procrastinate, apparently.
wow, I’m new here and I think I just fell in love with you…
that was so funny. Thank you for making my day
I swear, this is exactly what it is like. AND now I have to go and add you. Accept, ok? I am so not some weirdo stalker. Ok, well, I sort of am, since I don’t really *know you…but you know how many FB friends I have that I haven’t ever really met?
You want to be one, too don’t you? Of course you do!
And did you do the capcha thing as ECOP on purpose? I swear, I am not a stalker. I just love to read your blog.
T.
O.M.G. This is brilliant! And hysterical! Brilliantly hysterical. I almost fell out of my seat laughing. If I were your fb friend, I’d totally throw a delicious cheesecake at you.
Oh this is very funny. I am going to link to it on my facebook page. Where I can’t really figure out what I am supposed to be doing either…
This is hilarious. Gonna link you from my FB.
I’ll add you as a friend, and we can send each other plants. And cows. And you can steal all of my friends. 
(sitting on the bed w/the laptop, trying not to wake my sleeping husband with giggles and snorts)
Pretty soon, we’ll have no need for our physical bodies; we can just spend all our time giggling and passing notes.
How is it you *just* joined FB and have *twice* as many friends? So unfair. I’ll forgive you; you liked the picture of my mom.
That’s exactly how I feel when I drag my old, 40-something ass over to Facebook to update my status, then check on my young second-cousins-once-removed who have hundreds of friends and are tagged in photos and what not. Wanna be friends? I have a few… could use some more.
ah yes the anxiety provoking wonder of facebook
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B37wW9CGWyY
Check this out please. Interesting facts about facebook…may have you running to MySpace. But who knows? Probably just as bad.
omg, this is SO going to appear in Wired. Effing hilarious!
Find: Dear Lord this is worse than the VAX
Priceless — the whole post, but especially this line!! Ah, technology, how far you have come since 1989.
This is fantastic! But I have two serious questions:
1 If we become Facebook friends, Will you accept my Kidnap request?
2 How do you turn down your Mother when she joins Facebook?
Oh, dear God! I would so milk the cow you threw at me!
You have described my understanding and attitude about Facebeg to a T. (Or is “to a tee” and will you block me if I screwed that saying up?)
This is one of the funnniest things I’ve read in a long time…and I thought I was a funny blogger…I think I pale in comparison…
Thanks for the morning laugh!
Sincerely,
uncoolmom.com
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