1. Have I cleaned long enough? Oh. Is that mouse poop?
2. Smell it. It could be dog poop. Someone could have tracked in dog poop—
3. Don’t smell it! Just throw it out. It’s 2009. Live like you’re luxe.
4. It might be chocolate crumbs from Lisa’s amazing pretzel-stick thingie…
5. For God’s sake, it’s just mouse poop.
6. OF COURSE I’M GOING TO THROW IT OUT. WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? A BARBARIAN?
7. Oh, there’s that shirt. His. It’s ripped, but…
8. Get rid of it.
9. It was from our first date. Keeping it.
10. Didn’t cry after the phone call. That’s something.
11. You had to lie down with the pebbles…
12. I PICKED UP THE PHONE AND ORDERED A PIZZA FROM DOMINOS! ALL BY MYSELF!
13. I miss the girls. Three more days.
14. Why am I watching football?
15. Why are they talking about penetration?
16. It’s better than an empty house tonight. Just eat your pizza and stop asking why why why all the time. Life would be so easy if you stopped asking why.
17. I need a ref. A life ref, who can make nice calls, once and for all. Decisive, and ruggedly cute in a pert striped shirt.
18. He can stand at the top of the stairs and blow his whistle whenever anyone misbehaves. I like it.
19. Oh my God, Jett Travolta died. That’s terrible.
20. Don’t think mean thoughts about Scientology. Just. Don’t.
21. Yes, C-span is better. It’s ‘White House Week’ and Dubya is saying he ‘never needs to particularly reflect in a particular place in the White House’ but sometimes he likes ‘using the pool’ and ‘playing with Barney.’
22. Wait, whoa, they think Lincoln’s son died in that bedroom? Whoa. WHERE IS THE WHITE HOUSE PSYCHIC??
23. Why are you Googling ‘WILLIE LINCOLN DIED’? Eat your pizza! You can have as much as you want!
24. Shh. Oh, that’s sad. That’s really sad. First, Jett Travolta. Then, Willie Lincoln. I mean, the other way around.
25. Note to self: Get Direct TV, stat. Broadcast networks are no good for you.
26. I need to dig my car out.
27. I need to pay real estate tax.
28. I need to figure out who the female ghost in the hallway is.
29. I need to go back to the ob/gyn because my insides are obviously disintegrating AGAIN.
30. Am I happy? Am I sad? Is my mind racing? Am I manic?
31. You drank 32 ounces of Ovaltine yesterday for dinner. That could be manic.
32. Yes, but I kept my clothes on, so.
33. New Year’s Eve, Day and Day After were actually nice. How about that?
34. Maybe you could be a hospital chaplain.
35. You might have to believe in Jesus Christ as LORD to do that, not just Jesus Christ as Righteously Awesome Dude Who Was Nice to Kids and Lepers.
36. It’s getting hard to live in this house. Too many memories eating away at me.
37. You have to find a career to get out of the house.
38. Not to mention a car lease.
39. Wait, is leasing a smart idea?
40. Hey, no one expects you to make great decisions anymore! Awesome! You could lease a Hummer and everyone would be cool.
41. I kind of like the Kia Rondo. If I were a middle-class human being with a good job, I might get a Rondo.
42. Oh my dear God, look at you: pizza, football, and car talk.
43. I hope I made the right decision. Not on that, but on the other thing.
44. In the moment it was right, and that’s all you can hope for.
45. I could have drunk a bottle of wine tonight, but I didn’t touch a drop. Someone at Kia should give me a Rondo for that. I am a COMPLIANT PATIENT even though my meds look like a cocktail of meds for a large zoo animal.
46. I hate how I shake. I hate what it’s doing to my stomach. I hate that I still see faces. The ghouls.
47. Remember that she sees faces too, and she’s not, you know, like you.
48. Maybe that thing is a really good idea. Maybe Breed ‘Em and Weep readers would totally go for it.
49. Yes, I think they would.
50. I love Hank Johnson from Georgia, and not just because I’ve been to Decatur. He makes the U.S. House of Reps seem rockin’ smart and fun! How do I get a job there?
51. I didn’t drink enough water. Oof. Dizzy. Bad.
52. Go drink now. Stop Scrabbling on Facebook.
53. I CLEANED. I LET THE DOGS OUT AND GOT NINA TO COME OUT FROM UNDER THE PORCH WHERE THE SKUNKS LIVE. AND NO ONE SMELLED WORSE THAN USUAL AFTERWARDS.
54. You need to drink more water. Now.
55. I’m lonely. But people are scary.
56. I know.
57. I must drive everyone frickin’ crazy. I mean, seriously.
58. Well…yes. You do. But they love you. They just don’t know…
59. I know, I know. They don’t know when and how to help. I am impossible.
60. You find it hard to amass an army of people who let you drool in front of them. That’s understandable.
61. Yes, thank you!
62. Go get some water. I’ll wait. I mean, I’ll go with you.
63. My heart may never heal.
64. Water. Now.
65. Okay.
66. Done.
67. I know. Good job.
68. I had to try. That other other thing. Humiliating. But.
69. Of course you did. Now you know.
70. And I had to speak REALLY candidly the other night. I mean, like, CRAZY CANDID. Like, DUDE, I’M ON CRAZY CANDID CAMERA.
71. And?
72. And…no one died. It was okay. Maybe it was necessary.
73. Still no email from…
74. Noooo.
75. How about email from—
76. Nope.
77. You’re doing fine. You’re getting better.
78. I don’t feel fine yet. But the Scrabble has helped with the brain fog. I’m sure of it.
79. What if I’m never fine? What if life never feels really good again?
80. You’re a good mama.
81. That feels good.
82. Go to bed.
83. Just checking email.
84. BED. BED. BED.
85. I made necklaces for the girls in Silver Clay class. They’re hanging there. I’m going to give them to them when they get home!
86. BEEEEEEEED. SLEEEEEEEEP.
87. Okay. But 87 is kind of a weird number to end on.
88. Make it 89. It’s just weird enough, like you.
89. Goodnight.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Off to bed with you, James Joyce.
Will you sit next to me and croon definitions of pwning and failing and game stuff until I fall asleep? Please?
D used to tell me stories about shark attacks and grizzly bear attacks and it always helped.
Would it hlp if i read you Goodnight Moon? I always find that very soothing……
put a pebble in your palm, find your anchor in the calm, and press the pause button. for now. nothing will stop spinning as it should. you are so much more than the sum of your parts to so many and that – come as you are, come what may – is so very divine and necessary.
to bed, sweets.
Leasing isn’t always a bad idea. Leasing Korean, maybe not such a wise decision.
Repairing the car you have is almost always a better idea. There is a lot of life left in that car of yours, and someone special who wanted you to have it.
Best idea of all: Why drive?
You’re a good mama. And I’m sure there is an army waiting to wipe drool from your chin. Lots of us are mamas, too, and we’re totally used to wiping that stuff up. Other stuff, too. You can’t shock your army of mamas.
You can’t shock your army of mamas.
That is so completely true. We have kids. Nothing shocks me now.
Are these the thoughts of a bipolar bear? Or just a berry-eating black bear with OCD? Because your brain sounds a lot like my brain. And I’m just a berry-eating black bear with OCD.
Amass an army of mamas….I.LOVE.THIS!
Wait, did you? Yeah you did…just totally write a scene from screen play in your head in bullet point. You freak’n rock woman!
We, the ARMY of MAMAS, will gladly wipe Ovaltine from your face while you talk football and cars to the ghost in your hallway. Also,I think 89 is a perfectly un-weird number.
Now go drink some more water…we’ll wait. We will be here when you return.
Your honesty is inspiring. It is liberating. It is hard. It beats the alternative though which is to hide and not let people in to care about you and offer support. You do have an army here.
You know, none of those thoughts sound particularly abnormal. You’re doing fine, and you ARE a good mom. I can tell. You love your kids, your kids love you, and you cleaned up the mouse poop. Good mom points all around.
But, since you ask, I think leasing a car is not a particularly good idea. Just had to throw that in there. Dealers make the most money on leasing than anything else in the car business. If your present car needs repairs, let us know. That’s what your donate button is for.
Love and hugs.
I know you’re not checking for an email from me, but I remember those days. Waiting for someone to call or send an email or tell me I’m great in spite of everything or ask me to lunch or…anything. First, you are fantastic in spite of everything! Second, you have the two luckiest little girls on the planet. And third, maybe most importantly–I don’t wait for the reaffirming emails anymore. It gets better.
34. Maybe you could be a hospital chaplain.
35. You might have to believe in Jesus Christ as LORD to do that, not just Jesus Christ as Righteously Awesome Dude Who Was Nice to Kids and Lepers.
Nope, you can believe in the righteously awesome dude version and be a hospital chaplain just fine. Take my word for it.
Someone left a link to my blog in comments to a post of yours LAST JULY, and Google Alerts being as astute as it is, notified me of it TODAY.
So I thought I’d hop on over and check out the blog. I’m SO glad I did. Your writing is AMAZING!
And I’m not even including a URL to my blog just to show my comment is sincere and not an effort to drum up business
. I really enjoyed stopping by today. Thank youfor sharing your life and your words.
Sometimes I have too many thoughts when I’m bored or stressed.
I can’t imagine how it must feel to be constantly thinking lots of things.
I wish there was something comforting I can say. But instead, I’ll just be here to listen (read) and support you.
89? 8+9 = 17, and 1+7 = 8, and the number 8 looks like the symbol for infinity….
This was a fun post to read – should I feel bad for thinking it was fun? Your train of thoughts is fascinating!
I have a good friend who is an Episcopal deacon. I found out from him that many people, even clergy, in the Episcopal church believe Jesus was a really cool guy who did great things and led by examples we all should follow – and may not have actually been a spirit that transcended into heaven. In fact, heaven is not a place in the sky either. It rocked my world. Made me think I could actually be Christian afterall. Except for all that finding time to go to church and pray.
Find an Episcopal church, and you may find that spiritually you are exactly what that church represent, needs and embraces.
Or try Unitarian. The two are not actually that different, in fact. Don’t go to an Angilcan Episcopal church. In this part of the country, anyway, that is the conservative arm of the church.
Are you avoiding me playing scrabble because I won a game or two? You got me hooked – you are my dealer. It’s your responsibility to keep my supply of that drug available. How irresponsible! I’ll even promise to lose!
You are really awesome, you know that? Bi-polar bear and all.
You know, you’ve just about summed up my random thoughts throughout the day. And 89 is a mighty fine number to end on. So, was it mouse poop? Did you save it to ask for someone else’s opinion?
Still patiently awaiting a word as to when we can deliver stuff. I know it’s scary. But we’re not, really. And we do get bipolar bear disease. My son has it, my mother and sister had it, my cousins had it. It’s always been a part of my life. I’m not afraid of it anymore.
You’re doing OK. You really are. The girls are fine, you’re fine, the dog is fine. It’s too freaking hard now. Winter is a bad time to feel like crap. You need sun and water and fresh air. I wish I could offer that. I really do. But Boston… it’s just as bad as the Berks.
oh sweet jenn! big cyber hugs and kisses. i wish we could ride this beast for you.
more scrabble, yes?
#15 – *snort*
#39 – NOT GOOD
#55 – You are not alone in this thought
be well…
Hey sis, we’re thinking of you! Lots of love ‘n’ hugs, Tone and Louie xxx
I’m worried because we haven’t heard your lovely, honest voice in a while. Hoipe you are doing okay.