“THAT BABY IS DRUNK!” yells the H-Bomb. “THAT BABY IS DRUNK!”
The baby in question is not drunk, not that I can tell, but her parents clearly think my child is drunk. I am beginning to wonder as well.
The baby is sitting near us at Friendly’s. She is a sweet little redhead, about eight months old, in a pink jumpsuit. Everyone is now turning to stare at the baby and her parents. They, in turn, are staring at me.
“Shhhhhh,” I say. “That baby is not drunk. She’s a very, very nice baby and she is completely sober.” I smile ingratiatingly at the parents and resist the urge to make the swirly “coo-coo” sign by my right ear.
“NO! THAT BABY IS DRUNK! SHE HAS AN EARRING!”
The baby does have an earring. A little diamond stud. The parents glare at me. I smile again, apologetically, and try futilely to hush the H-Bomb.
“Why would you say that? That’s not nice, honey,” I whisper. “She’s a very nice baby with an earring. Shhh.”
Sophie cracks up, a little late in the game. She turns around to stare at the baby.
“Don’t. DON’T,” I say.
“The baby is drunk,” says Sophie, just for kicks. She cracks up again. Which sets off the H-Bomb again:
“SHE’S DRUNK AND SHE HAS AN EARRING! SHE’S DRUNK AND SHE HAS AN EARRING!”
My mother loses it. She begins cracking up, shoulders shaking, head shaking.
I lose it. Now I am cracking up. We are a booth of sinners at Friendly’s. No one talks about the times when your kid does something so appalling you start laughing and can’t stop.
Non-drunk drunk baby and her family bundle up and flee, glaring, never to visit Friendly’s again.
What’s the worst thing your kid’s ever said that left you helplessly laughing?
I am still laughing. I can’t even look at a baby now. Which is probably a good thing, because they were starting to look cute again.
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I don’t know if it was the “worst,” but it was a little odd.
My son was 3 years old before he saw anyone smoke a cigarette (San Diego is a bastion of non-smoking), We were traveling in Minnesota when he screamed, “That woman just stuck a burning stick in her mouth!” Yes, people looked at US like we were from Mars.
My 3 1/2 year old tells everyone “memaw smoked and then she died and then we got her cat!” (my mother in law died in March from lung ca, and bequeathed us her kitty). Quit a conversation killer, that one.
When my daughter was 3, she and my husband ran into a co-worker of his who was a dwarf. Pepper stared while my hubby make polite chit chat, then said, “You look funny” to the woman.
My oldest, at about age 2 1/2, LOUDLY observed in the supermarket “MOM! THAT WOMAN IS FAT!”… said woman was directly in back of us in line (there was no where for me to go!). I very sternly whispered to him that he should not say that, be quiet… He countered, LOUDLY, with “BUT MOM, I’M NOT LYING. SHE’S REALLY BIG!” Damn, I wanted to melt into the floor at that moment.
Must be the day for inappropriate laughter. You came up in my google reader after academomia and they had quite a time this morning (though at church, not friendly’s) Am cracking up at H coming up with that thought though. Your kids are keepers.
Embarrassing little buggers, aren’t they? My friend was teaching her daughters the anatomically correct name for all their body parts. This seemed like a really progressive, cool way to parent until one of them marched up to the teenage boy bagging her groceries and announced, “Mommy and I have vaginas but YOU (pointing for emphasis) have a penis!!
Nothing thrills a teenage boy (or a mother) more than having a 4 year old girl point that out at the top of her lungs in the middle of a crowded grocery store.
Alex was 2 when he walked up to a woman at a Whole Foods store check out line and began to spank her bottom singing “spank the bum, everyone, spank the bum.”
The woman was exceptionally kind, turning to Alex and asking if she had done something naughty. Myself, the cashier and my daughter were laughing so hard that we couldn’t control ourselves.
Later that day, my daughter told my mother the story and then said “I laughed so hard I think I peed a little.” Great day all around.
My son and I were at the local mall. He saw a black person for the first time and asked me what was wrong with that person’s face.
Not my kid, but too funny not to share…
My little sis, around age 3, thought that the word for “nipples” was “pickles” (and we never did figure out the reason for that). In line at the supermarket one day, my sister spots some kind of bodybuilding mag with a bare-chested male weightlifter on the cover, and shrieks, “MOM! I CAN SEE THAT MAN’S PICKLES!”
we were at a bookstore. and my kids flatsam and jetsam were running back and forth in the aisle. i kept after them, “watch where you’re going! look out!” and from behind them comes this man, small is putting it nicely – not politically correct, i know. he’s in a wheel chair, his arms aren’t usable so he uses his feet to scoot around…and he’s FAST! he comes up behind my son and daughter zooms past them, saying, ‘yeah, you BETTER look out kid!” my son and daughter stop in their tracks, and watch in schocked silence. you can almost hear the clicking of their eyelids as they blinked in stunned amazement. after a few seconds my son breaks the silence, loudly i might add, by saying, “that little kid is CAR-RAZY!” and off went my daughter…chasing after the crazy, mad little man in the wheelchair. i couldn’t call after her. i was doing my best to stiffle any of the laughter i was huffing out in breaths for fear of offending some sensible PC patron. we’re all going to hell….might as well have a good laugh on our way down, right?
Once I was out to dinner with my friends who live in San Francisco and we were with the guy’s parents, too. So, my daughter, who was about 3 at the time, points and says LOUDLY, “Hey, you’re bald!” to the father of my friend. I didn’t hear her in all the noise of the resturant, so i said, “What, honey, what did you say?” My friend was looking at me like, “you don’t want to hear it!” So she yelled it again! I was embarassed. Not quite as bad as yours, though.
Drunk eight month olds are the best. They just drool and laugh and puke and you can’t even understand what they are saying. I especially love when they are so slammed, they just pee right in their pants. I guess I didn’t realize that Friendly’s had a bar!
my son has always done the word-rhyming sing-song thing. last year we were out somewhere, & he was singing quietly “rot rot lot lot plot,,, etc” as we walked along he got into his groove, & began singing more loudly “shot, dot, swat swat, twat” then for some reason felt that word was the one he was going to stick with ever oh ever so loudly “twat twat twat twat twaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!”
i wanted to ask him to stop, but i was laughing too hard. people stared at us, mortified.
the worst part? he was not a toddler. he was 9. i know the people thought he KNEW what the word meant.
oh – i had to tell him i was laughing at the image of somebody shooting a dot. lame yeah, but he bought it, and the ‘twat’ dropped from the song forevermore.
Delurking to share the story of my niece, who at around three years old delighted her mother by lovingly patting the tummy of an extremely large woman squeezing past their table in a crowded retaurant while loudly proclaiming “phew, she’s a big one!”.
I’ve got two stories from my my sister and I were young that my mom likes to share.
Once when my older sister was a baby my parents took her to a fancy restaurant with them. She was only a few months old. While the waiter was leaning over to take my mother’s menu, my sister gave him a hard pinch on his butt. My mom and dad couldn’t stop laughing and apologizing.
Another time at a restaurant, when I was about 4 or so, I suddenly started crying inconsolably. When my mom asked what was wrong I started yelling that Jesus had died in my heart. Mom said that we had just come back from Sunday school and that I must have taken the message about Jesus being in my heart very literally. She tried to explain that it was just heartburn and that Jesus wasn’t dead inside my heart.
A LOL cat for you!
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/06/06/funny-pictures-drunk-kitteh-is-drunk/
My 19 month old son has just started to say foot. For some reason, it is his favorite word. Most of the time he says it correctly, but sometimes it come out as “fook”.
It wasn’t something he said, not this time. My son has autism. He has no mouth filter. He makes rash decisions. When he was 4 we were in line at The Evil Hamburger Place, hereafter known as McDonalds. There were a bunch of construction workers in line waiting with us. In response to , “What’s your name?’ my son, the fruit of my loins, turned around, pulled his pants down and mooned the entire line of customers! Bare-butt nekkid IN McDonalds! My oldest, then around 9 looked at me and said, “He is SO mortifying!” Why yes. Yes, he is.
Perhaps the word she was going for was “crunk” what with all the baby bling and such.
We went out to eat one morning with our 1.5 year old and our 6-month old, who slept in his carseat for most of the meal. I was trying to keep the older child entertained by letting him play with the bowl of coffee creamers on the table (OK, in hindsight, that wasn’t the brightest thing I’ve ever done). Things were going well until I heard a loud ‘squish’ noise and I felt little droplets of creamer hit me in the face. The toddler had bitten into one of the creamers and shot cream all over me and the baby. My husband and I started laughing, then we noticed the people sitting in the booth adjacent to us. They too, were covered in little white dots of creamer and they were not amused.
A client at my former job told us how her three year old granddaughter was with her father, the client’s son, one day when a passer-by did something very rude toward her the father- and the three year old looked directly at the stranger and yelled,
“Asshole!”
My aunt told us of the day she was proudly wheeling her beautiful first born daughter through the local grocery store, basking in the adoring smiles of her neighbors and random passers-by, when my cousin burst into song, exclaiming,
“I HATE MY MUTH- URR! BEE-CAUSE SHE SMACKED ME!!!”
OMG – the story was funny enough as is, but on top of it, Tater & Tot’s comment made me lose it. I hope I remember it all for some future appropriate time and pretend that I thought of it!
My daughter loudly instructed me on how to insert a tampon while we were in a crowded public bathroom. Instructed me in DETAIL…with appropriate names of body parts. When I was done, she loudly applauded and complimented me on a job well done.
Crowding and bustling to pre-board a plane last year, my then-three-year-old noticed that the elderly gentleman behind us in line was wearing a turban. She asked, three-year-old volume, of course, “Mummy! Does that man drive a taxicab?” Sadly, the jetway did not swallow me whole and spit me out in a different part of the galaxy from my precocious child.
my sister is 11 years younger and by the age of 2 my stepmom had thoroughly explained the technical body differences between boys and girls.
we were at the zoo in houston when she was about 2&1/2 and she saw a verrrrrrrrry large woman with the front butt going on in her spandex pants. i tried to steer her away, but she saw her and yelled to my stepmom, “mommy, that woman has a really big vulva!”
my 2&1/2 yr-old pooped in our backyard last week when we had friends over for dinner… i laughed my ass off.
While enjoying an ice cream at Dairy Queen (aka dairy cream), my 3 year old announced as loudly as possible “When I grow up I’ll have hair on my vagina”!
When my son was about four years old we were at a local restaurant for lunch with my MIL, SIL, and grandmother-IL. All of a sudden my son says really loudly,”My mom’s an alcoholic!” I don’t think he’s ever even seen me with a drink in my hand.
Then there was the time my nephew was about three years old and he was at the deli waiting in line with his mother. There was a female police officer standing next to him and as they waited he leaned over and said,”Before we came here my mother had diahrea.” My SIL wanted to fall through the floor but the officer just said,”Kids say the most interesting things.”
I would like to preface this with: NOT MY KID.
My friend was entertaining a couple of business colleagues and their families at her beach cottage. They were all sitting out on the deck when the precocious girl-child announced:
“My mommy has a REALLY smelly vagina!”
I kid you not.
All of your stories have me in stitches, however this one stopped my laughter outright
My son and I were at the local mall. He saw a black person for the first time and asked me what was wrong with that person’s face
Don’t mean to be a fuddy duddy, but I didn’t find that funny at all…it actually made me a bit sad.
But heres my submission:
I was in a crowded Nordstrom’s restroom with my girls, who were 3 and 8 at the time. While waiting for the older kid to finish, my younger, and much more vocal, kid and I watched a woman come out of the stall, go to the mirror, fluff her hair, and begin to walk out without so much as a glance at the sinks.
My little one had a look of horror and said, in the loudest voice ever…
“HEY LADY! YOU NEED TO WASH YOUR HANDS OR YOUR VAGINA GERMS ARE GONNA MAKE EVERYBODY SICK!!”
She turned eight shades of beet red, clenched her teeth, forced a smile, and said “Oh my thank you for reminding me, I was in such a hurry, I forgot. You. Are. Such. A. Smart. Girl” and washed her hands with surgical precision.
My kid said, “No problem, lady.”
After she left, the entire restroom burst into gales of laughter.
My 5 year old recently noticed the cellulite on my thighs. Over the weekend we were outside and another dimply-legged woman passed us as Marly said ‘Why do all moms have bumpy legs??’
hurrah for the drunk baby… that has cheered me right up.
My 4 year old son was trying to grasp the complexities of the English language during a gathering of various people at our home:
“Mum… is it ok to say crikey?”
“Yes, that’s fine…. you can say crikey”
“I can’t say bollocks though can I?”
…..”I just did though didn’t I?”
a christmas eve was the one & only time we took our then 4 year old to church. she hiccuped loudly through the whole service.
god bless us, everyone.
Easter Sunday. My son was 2. We sat in the 3rd row at church to “help him pay attention.” During the first hymn, he grabbed a hold of my skirt, yanked, and depants me in front of the entire congregation. BTW, it was a skirt with a slit so no slip…
The men seated in row 4 might still be snickering.
OK, when my son was about 2 or 3, we were very into the Toy Story movies. Some toy in that movie calls another toy a “Hockey Puck,” which my son liked to imitate. But he got it mixed up, and it came out “Fucky Pot.” And he REALLY liked to call his older brother by this name ALL THE TIME, in all kinds of public places. It was soooooo funny, I never corrected him, but I sure did get embarassed. Laughed very hard every time he did it. Probably 10 or 20 times outside our house, countless times at home.
my 19 month old darling daughter. carefully dressed, curls a-shining. sunday service, i have made the decision to dedicate my little bundle of joy to the Lord, and have promised in front of the congregation to raise her in a Christian home. our pastor prays over my daughter and wishes us well…..
….immediately afterwards, kylie decides she’s about had it with all this being held nonsense, so while i stay in the pew with our friends, my husband takes her to the “cry room”, a sound proof room where you can see and hear the sermon with your young ones and not disturb the service.
hubby takes her in the room, stands her on his lap and about dies when she sweetly showcases her new word “SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT’ in the most angelic impromptu song of her life…..
It wasn’t my child, it was my brother. He was 6 and baseball and hockey ruled his life…
We were at my great aunt’s funeral and there was a very um large woman singing an aria (beautiful really) and when she was done, she sat down and all was silent. My brother starts to stan up and my mother says to him “MJ what ARE you doing?”
He tells her “Momma, its all over, the fat lady’s done singing.”
It’s what they said and how they reacted. The kids were at the waterprk and had gone down the very tall slides that has 2 corkscrew water slides and one high plunge slide. While they took the two corkscrews, a very large woman went down the straight plunge slide.
When they all finished, the woman apparently had not crossed her feet as recommended and had a first class bathing suit wedgie. As she started digging for purchase, the kids burst into hysterics and loudly proclaimed that she was up to her wrist looking for her bathing suit.
Not their finest moment.
We went to the animal hospital the other day (sick cat) and my 2-year-old son took a swing at the vet. And hit him right in the crotch.
Maaan, apparently I cannot read b/c I got the security word wrong on the first try! Cuss!
I had to delurk to let you know how much I have enjoyed your blog since I found it several months ago. Such a joy to read.
I have laughed so very hard at everyone’s comments. Kids are a riot–I don’t know how anyone can’t go without having ‘em. Maybe they’re the sane ones, no?
I know I am a bit late in the game here, but I had to share.
This is not about my own children, but my pistol of an almost 5 y/o niece. The child has never, since she has gained use of words, been one to hold back. In July she stayed with us for a week. She likes to sit in the bathroom with me and visit and chitchat while I take baths. One particular day while I was drying off in front of her, she sized up my nekkidness and declared: “You have a really hairy thing!” I about died. I am not one to neglect…er…upkeep…so it took me totally off guard. I replied: “Yeah well, so will you one day.”
Just thinking about it makes me laugh even now. Crazy kid!
My kid brother used to like to do that rhyming song thing too (like Kat’s son on #13). He was about 3 years old when we were waiting at a bus stop with a couple other families. He started singing “TRUCK, TRUCK, BO-BUCK, FE, FI, FO, F*CK!” Good times.