Tell the nice waitress that Mommy’s a bulimic with IBS

Cheap restaurant.

Me: I’ll have the Crispy Chicken Salad.

H: (to waitress) Yeah, our MOM has to try something new, because I’M trying something new. That’s our DEAL.

Me: That’s right. Can I get that with oil and vinegar?

H: Usually Mommy ALWAYS gets that other salad, the BUFFALO one? But then she always goes home, and, like, THROWS UP, and ALWAYS GETS DIARRHEA or something.

Waitress: (frozen smile) Kids. Say the DARNDEST—

H: (nodding animatedly at waitress) Yeah. No. She really DOES. Every time she gets it—

Me: Oh my GOD. Hannah. (to waitress) I am not anorexic. Or. You know. Anything. It was this one time—

H: EVERY TIME. YEAH. DIARRHEA.

Waitress: [stares]