And I thought blogging was a Darwinian popularity contest. Ha! Ha ha! Survival of the wittiest!
And then, Facebook! Survival of the flittiest!
HA!
No. It’s Twitter that’s culling the socially inept from the human race. Wretched, wretched Twitter. It just…confounds me. No one answers me when I tweet! I do not speak the tweet!
Yes. I know I said I was a Twitter quitter. Until I fell off the tweet wagon. Twit.
One of my best friends? I mean I love this guy, so much? Yeah, HE DOES NOT ANSWER ME WHEN I TWEET! YES, YOU, SPOTCOOLSTUFF! Just because you’re in the cool travel club with Ms. Sexy Goplanit and I can’t tweet intriguingly about anything but my dishwasher? DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET TO IGNORE ME, MISTER STINKER. I may be in the school band playing the marimba BUT I AM STILL WORTHY OF YOUR PUBLIC TWEETS IF YOU EMAIL ME REGULARLY.
And: My blog wife, Mochamomma, the hussy, is a tweeting fool, getting tweeted up against the lockers by endless admirers! I watch around the corner and adjust the duct tape on the bridge of my glasses and fiddle sadly with my pocket protector, wondering how to get her attention again. I fear a breakup is imminent. Even NPR loves her. If I knew how to retweet that, I would.
And: It gets worse! I typed in the wrong person’s name in a tweet about earmites and fleas. And HE told all of his pals that I might be a pervert or, worse, an earmite spammer! Then, when I apologized, he ignored me FROM HIS PLACE AT THE QUARTERBACK AND CHEERLEADERS’ LUNCH TABLE!!! OMG!!! WTF??? CRICKETS!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!! Why am I such a loser in Twitterland????
Twitter is the equivalent of a school gym filled with barking class clowns with ADHD. I have PTSD from my failed tweets. TWITTERERS! HEAR YE THIS! I AM A HUMAN BEING! I AM NOT A HOUSEPLANT OR A MARBLE OR SOMETHING THE DOG FOUND UNDER THE COUCH!
A pox on you, Twitter. High school was easier to navigate. I could usually find someone willing to eat lunch with me.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
twitter scares me.
but i *choose* not to twitter just like i *chose* not to be a cheerleader in high school.
uh, yeah.
cough.
Twitter scares me too. And I’ve failed at facebook….I’m not good at amusing pithy comments….mine always come out sounding somewhat depressing. I’ve decided I only have so much to give….and that goes to my blog….at least that’s what I’m telling myself…..
WAIT! I thought you were a “Twitter Quitter” months ago!! As for me, I’m not really sure what Twitter is, but I love’s me my Facebook.
Jenn,
I will eat lunch with you any day, but you have to promise not to Twitter.
I quit Twitter. We had a lenghty affair. Around 1800 tweets. I was mildly popular among a dozen or so real people and the porn bots. But I quit. It was eating my brain. And ya know. I kind of like my brain in a non eaten state.
I don’t have it within me to be a twitter twat.
I fear twitter failure – so I facebook.
I also (shh) dump facebook friends who don’t facebook back. It’s very freeing. Facebook, and I imagine twitter, have to be mutual admiration societies. Otherwise ? Pffft.
Twitter is fun when you’re watching really bad reality tv. Or maybe that’s just me. I didn’t even know you were on twitter, so I just followed you. So, now if you don’t follow me back, I’ll just go hide in my locker until the school bell rings.
Oh, I loathe Twitter. I don’t even know why I have an account. I never update it. Did you read Meghan Daum’s column on Twitter? It was called “Do only twits Tweet?” Ha. You oughta read it. Twitter – ick.
Last time you mentioned Twitter, I looked for you but failed to find you, because Twitter’s search thingie is crap. This time I succeeded.
Girl, I’m a twitter loser too. Sit next to me, we’ll make fun of the popular kids’ hair.
Haven’t even attempted to twitter yet… I barely blog, feebly facebook, and I think I would tweak out on twitter.
Loved this post! How on earth do you find the time to blog so well?!?!? You are my blero (blog-hero!).
awwww I would eat lunch with you!
Hilaaaaarious. I’m not a tweeter or facehooker or whatever and no one can understand why. Probably because I’m up to my knees in toddlers and know my updates would bore everyone. Including myself. I’ll just be over here, at the loser table, eating my stinky brown-bag lunch.
Hi, My name is Jeanette, and I don’t understand Twitter (she says while ducking her head in shame). I just don’t get it. I try it, but nothing happens – it’s like a conversation I have no idea how to enter (and do I even want to? I don’t have time to buy groceries or do the laundry or write the next great novel as it is). But I want to, because everyone is, and damn it – I refuse to believe that I’m that much dumber than all of them….
Hilarious post.
Jenn……this is meant with complete affection and respect…your eggs are better placed in the “real” writing basket…there is NO human being on earth whose day is worthy of a constant update..Honestly- Facebook is bad enough…”just ate a Chipotle burrito…going to the gym!”…. “feeling super lucky because my life is perfect today!….AGAIN”…there is no reason for the world to be THAT up to date on anyone’s comings and goings….your mode of communication is far more worthwhile…Twitter is the writing equivalent of a an anonymous encounter in the bathroom at a bar….your writing is a “the” coy mistress, playing “hard to get ” and intriguing those who pursue it so we keep reading, knowing that , in the end, what we catch will be worth the work and worth the wait.
Twitter….pah!!!!
I tried Twitter. It overwhelmed me and kind of scared me. It also made me feel like a bit of a peeping tom.
I’m a Twitter failure, and I am okay with that.
I say stick with Facebook. I don’t even know how Twitter works.
I’d so eat lunch with you!
You class clown, you.
Twitter doesn’t really come into its own without favrd, at which point it doesn’t lose the popularity-contest thing, but does serve as an archive of really good one-liners.
Without favrd, about all it has over Facebook and MySpace is that it isn’t quite as chocked full of ads and “social networking marketing consultant” spam.
Here’s what I think:
Twitter is like fast food. Sure, you get that instant gratification high, but what are you left with? I maintain that quality trumps quantity any day. I’ll stick with my real-life connections, thank you.
So we, the non-twitterers, ARE the cool kids. We’re the table that, once this silly trend has passed, everyone will want to sit at. And we’re the kind of people that will welcome them with open arms.
Maybe you have to be incredibly narcissistic to make twitter work. And aren’t all of us bi-polar ladies alternately narcissistic and self-loathing? Bueller? Bueller?
Ok, it’s just me.
I suck at twitter. Bad bad suck. I don’t understand it! And I don’t even understand the allure. But I keep tweeting. Alone. In the dark. Like a dumbass.
I’m sorry, honey. I’ll pay attention to you.
We’re having meatloaf for dinner. I was going to tweet that but then you might not see it. SO HERE IT IS.
This is brilliant. How could Twitter not adore such wit and passion? You know that Twitter is rigged, right? Do you pay your monthly dues?
I just watch the cool twit kids from afar. That’s me in the corner over there. But one day, One Day I’ll show them all! They’ll have to listen and boy, will they be sorry!
OK, time to grow my bangs out and listen to the Cure.
I hate tweeting to myself. I need to get a second identity and retweet my tweets and then I can talk to myself.
@schreiberwriter
If you tweet me, I’ll tweet back. Promise.
but I use purple ducktape to keep my glasses together….. And I spend lunch time reading Les Miserables at a table by myself…..
I was wondering about your Iceland or Bust. Iceland is bust so it should be cheap to come here?
Um…I hate to point this out but I have tweeted you without a reply back. I’m just sayin’….
I’ll eat lunch with you anyway.
Sincerely,
@uppoppedafox
Tweeting is kinda like talking to myself. I put my thoughts there but nobody ever responds!
Loved the article! If you ever tweet us, we promise we’ll tweet you right back! Thanks for the mention. We’re flattered that you think we’re sexy.