In case you’ve been decorating your house with, gosh, candy cane lights or tending to your own family’s selfish, needy-pants needs and you haven’t been checking my blog every seven minutes AS WE AGREED YOU WOULD, let’s recap, because I’m generous that way.
1) Peeps, I was in the hospital. Because apparently crying on the floor next to the washing machine for hours is a sign that something just ain’t right. Word to the wise.
2) When you just ain’t right, they put you in the part of the hospital that has locks on the windows. But you can watch the Comedy Channel, and pretend Jeff Foxworthy is in the psych ward with you, so it’s not so bad.
3) Who am I kidding? It’s bad. It’s scary. But there’s free ice cream and peanut butter.
4) No, it’s scary even with the ice cream. I wrote in my journal a lot and painted dog and teddy bear figurines for the girls (“art therapy”) and went to “group” (Would anyone like to say anything? No? Anyone? No? Bueller?) and watched short VHS movies starring Wally Cleaver. Fo shizzle!
5) I didn’t see Nurse Ratchett. Although one of the nurses did get all uppity with me for “caretaking” my roommate in the middle of the night. I thought tending kindly to a freaked-out terrified woman at 3am was a promising sign of mental health on my part. I still do.
6) I’m home. Things got worse, post-hospital. So the Doc and me, we done add a new med to my Cosmopolitan Crazy Cocktail, a med strong enough to bring down a rabid rhino in two seconds flat. I was told to expect weight gain, diarrhea, balding, acne flare-ups, dizziness, drowsiness, and the second, third and fourth coming of Jesus Christ.
7) Sophie calls my disorder the Polar Bear Disease. I like it. It took me a while to accept the diagnosis, but I think it explains my desire to head north to Iceland, or south to Patagonia.
I can’t travel just yet, as this Bipolar Bear done been shot with a tranq gun, is how it feels.
9) But this Bipolar Bear is still trying to do some Christmas shopping online without freaking out. She puts her head down in between surfing online stores because their happy happy happy models make her a little nauseous. Or it could be the meds. Hard to say.
10) This Bipolar Bear would like to know why Wall Street and the Auto Industry get bailouts, but she is still expected to pay off $60K in student loans, like a lot of other struggling good folks. This is so dang crazy, the hospital seems less crazy than out here. Raise your hand if you want a bailout because you’re worried about feeding your family! Yes! You there! And you! I see you. Trust me, I see you.
{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
New to your blog. Love it and all it’s honesty. I hope you get better with your meds. I’ll be back to check on you.
Isn’t your Polar Bear name Van Gogh? I think you forgot that part
Sending love…but I can’t help with the student loans.
I’ve got a whole lotta crazy and they’d have to pry me kicking and screaming to get me off of the washing machine. You are so brave, Jenn. Please know that we ARE checking your blog every 7 seconds and that you’re in our thoughts and prayers.
I know you’re not a phone person, but surely Polar Bear Disease must qualify one for a hardship deferment on student loans?
Many, many hugs to you.
Every 7 seconds? Those guys aren’t devoted. I check every 5. But that is actually part of my (dis)order, and not all that healthy. Lately, even with meds, my DH has acused me of having Bob Fosey-esque “Jazz Hands” ie: mania on crack. Maybe we should dump all our pills into a pile on the floor and mix&match by color?
Have you ever read Desiderata, an poem from the 1920s?
I had never read it — never even HEARD of it — when I got a great holiday card in the mail yesterday with this poem on the front.
Reading today’s post, I thought it might… maybe… lift your spirits just a little.
Be well.
BTW, the poem title in my previous comment links to the poem itself, but I’m sure you figured that out.
Or maybe it doesn.t — not sure if I did that right. So here’s the link. http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm
I’ll stop commenting now.
Glad to find you reaching out and staying part of community. Your honesty and humor are gifts that will carry you through. And you know what? Those happy happy models AREN”T REAL.
LOVE, Maribeth
You are in my prayers during this tough time. Also yes, would love bailout!
You sound a little tranq’d up but its a happy kind of sound. Much different than your last few posts, but I do love the way you explained everything to your girl. Honesty is the best policy. Gawd, I sound like such a dork.
Anyways, I agree, I think I should get a bailout on my student loans too and the models make me sick.
Hey,
This is the first time I’ve heard you be so kind of cheerfully belligerent. In a nice way.
Bipolar – tough deal. My daughter is dealing with it. She does a LOT of thinking. I try to listen.
I like listening to you, too.
Sometimes we can juggle our needy-pant offspring and a blog or two – especially when we pulling for you.
(I had a little stint in the special part of the hospital when I was 16; I don’t think it has changed much as I was reprimanded for consoling a woman coming off of steroids and attended a flurry of groups back in 1987. Time freezes there, I guess.)
Please, please, please know you are kindly thought of and prayed for over in our neck of the woods and if I could manage a bail out for you, I would fly in a private jet/drive to Washington today.
Ok, so maybe I slipped up and checked it every eight minutes. I’ll do better, I promise.
If you have Polar Bear disease, doesn’t that mean you get to gain weight and then sleep it off all winter?
I’d skip the side-helpings of diarrhea and balding if I were you.
Also, I thought there would be jigsaw puzzles at the hospital. Hmmm- better rethink my spring break plans then.
The recap is great. It tells me there are some moments of light in your life. I worry about you sometimes even though we’ve never met.
Okay, not every seven seconds, but seven minutes for sure.
I hope the next few weeks trying to get acclimatized to the meds go by quickly. And I hope your hair doesn’t fall out, although wigs nowadays freaking rock. Many, many hugs!
My security code, no joke, is “OFUC.” Indeed!
My MIL deals with many, many mental health issues. Through the years we have found that the facility that offers the best, by far, care for any kind of mental heath issues is the Menninger Clinic. I think it is now in Houston, TX but used to be in Topeka, KS. I cannot say enough good things about it and the tremendous improvement it made in my MIL life and as a result, the lives of those around her. If you are able to, I highly recommend looking into it.
I love your blog and will be thinking of you and your family. Wishing you all the best.
Cheerfully belligerent! Oh dear!
Forgive me. I am feeling belligerent toward the student loan people, who tell me although I am on unemployment, I am not eligible for the unemployment deferment or the hardship deferment. They tell me I need to go back to school (!!!) and then I could qualify for the full-time or half-time student deferment.
There seems to be no Up Shit Creek Without a Paddle deferment.
Will you PLEASE give us a warning before you write something as funny as what’s in number six? I nearly spit my coffee all over my keyboard! (“Rabid rhino”… snort… “third and fourth coming of Jesus Christ”…splutter. Hey! Enough already!)
Also, does your washing machine have a name yet? I was thinking of something along the lines of Bertha, or Francine. Or Helga. Or Eunice. You know, something solid and matronly…
-JJ
If the unemployed are ineligible for the unemployment deferment, then, uh, who IS eligible? That is extremely double-plus ungood.
Maybe you should call back for a second opinion, and if you get the same answer, ask to speak to a supervisor. Quick, while you’re cheerfully belligerent!
Don’t knock the washing machine. I remember your clinging to it when you went into labor with Hannah. Hmm, if only appliances could speak … the tales they would tell. I swear my vacuum cleaner attacked me when I was preggers with you.
Personally, I’d like to stuff some of those Student-Loan bureaucrats into your washing machine and hang ‘em out to dry.
my hand’s up. i’m not on the meds and the happyhappy models make me want to yak, too, if it’s any consolation.
I recently had my trusty anti-anxiety medication up and stop working on me after 5 years of use and that was awful…but nothing compared to what you are going through.
I have been reading for years and you are amazing and beautiful and so smart! Such a great writer.
I hope that things get better…I hope you and the girls have a peaceful holiday season. I find this time of year to be challenging but I am trying not to be a scrooge this year.
I have one year old twin boys – they are a difficult and wonderful distraction – as I’m sure your girls are.
Happy December Jen – you are in my thoughts.
Weight gain, balding, acne, diarrhea, dizziness and drowsiness? Well if that’s not enough fix what ails you, I don’t know what is.
I know, why not go back to school to become a psychiatric nurse?
Oh Jenn, we love you.
Yeah. A little forgiveness on the student loans would be nice. How about a 30 day moratorium on collection calls?
I am happy to see you writing here again. I’m sending you and your girls good thoughts for the holidays.
Hang in there, girl.
College Loans. You CAN get rid of them. If you file for SSDI, which you are now entitled to since you have the Polar Bear disease, once you’re on SSDI, you can file with the student loan people for an abatement. They will, from the day you file, stop charging you for your loans, they investigate, which means that you fill out forms with your psych doc and send them in, and voila! No more loans.
Give me a date and the rest of that info, pleeeeze!
I agree – it’s crazy. While I think I understand intellectually why some of the bailouts are necessary, they piss me off. I did NOT buy a house we could not afford… well, maybe we could not afford it, but it is small and outdated and had 30 year old carpets and 60 year old appliances. We had to live somewhere! . We have paid our mortgage every month for nearly 8 years, and our student loans… we try to feed and clothe the kids (with hand me downs and food from the garden I am still trying to keep alive in December.) When we could not make ends meet – we unfortunately charged it. I guess that will make us ineligible for any bailouts – nobody will be giving us mortgage assistance to pay off monstrous credit card debt. Ah, but the government will give the banks more money to lend to us through our credit cards!
Well, at least misery loves company. I guess there is a lot of company in this country!
Raising my hand about being ticked off that we can’t get part of the bailout action for our student loans.
And Heather is right. You absolutely should qualify for the unemployment deferment. Definitely get the second/third/fourth opinions before giving up on this. You’re not asking them to let the whole thing go (‘cuz you’re not, you know, a big bank or an auto company). You’re asking them to give you a bit of a break in terms of time while you get back on your feet. Sigh…
Love the recap. I still can’t believe how awesome you are! Your girls are so lucky to have you. So honest, loving, caring, and showing them how to deal with hard things. Taking the bull by the horns and giving it your all. The compassion is wonderful to witness.
Not new to the blog, but new to commenting. I’ve been reading these past few posts and thinking back to how I’ve been where you are — at least the low parts, anyways. I wish I could have found the humor like you have. Not the humor of what’s happened/happening, but the humor in how you’re writing about it, if that makes sense. I admire your honesty and the way you can put it all point blank, and make it so darn funny. The “second, third, and fourth coming of Jesus Christ”? Seriously! I mean, fo shizzle. I totally see your strength through these posts, and your girls sound awesome. I hope your body gets used to the meds quickly. I know acclimation is no fun. ((Hugs))
Oh lovely, lovely Jen. I don’t know what to say! The hospital! That’s serious but you make it funny but the hospital…
I drive by a hospital and damn if I don’t want to check myself in. In that sense, I know the need but not the reality. I hope it wasn’t too bad.
“There seems to be no Up Shit Creek Without a Paddle deferment.”
We need one of these permanently.
You know, hon, I have a feeling if you did get to live in Iceland, had nothing to worry about, got to bathe in the hot springs and so forth…permanently. No worries. Well, I wish I could do that for you.
Maybe your US Congressman (woman?) would have some ideas on how to resolve the student loan issue.
Of course I’m checking every seven minutes. duh. Checking every seven minutes and wishing I lived anywhere near the Berkshires so I could leave covert soup on your doorstep. I considered making a double batch the other night but didn’t figure you’d enjoy corn chowder that traveled across the country by way of USPS ground transport.
Just finished paying off a student loan to MIT. PAINFUL.
Oh what will we do with all the “extra” money!?! Heat the house cuz in Michigan it is currently 5 freakin degrees. Feed the kids cuz they keep getting hungry. Pay off the credit card bills we used while we were paying off the student loans. And my personal fav…………try to afford the anti-crazy ass medications that are necessary to not LOSE. MY. SHIT. Like, what the HELL!
Big guns cost big bucks. Fair is not in the equation.
Dear brave, scrappy, funny and phone weary Jenn.
Hang on, Hang tough WE. ARE. PULLING. FOR. YOU.
With respect for your tenacious spirit.
Cindi
As long as you see me with my arm upraised, all is right.
You know, we’ve got a Curb Your Carbon program at school. We’re trying to “Save the Polar Bear.” I’ll henceforth visualize you whenever I use that slogan.
Good luck.
The student loans will be the financial death of our family. *sigh*
I’ve been reading along for awhile and enjoy your blog so much. I just hate you have to go through this. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I vote for the Polar Bear option. Rename your blog “Feed’em and sleep”, spend October eating everything you can get your hands on, then go to bed until March. Surely things will look better by then.
Feed ‘em & Sleep! Stine! You’re fabulous!
And Jenn! Great news! Polar Bear assistance! You can’t hold a job when you can’t let go of the washing machine! Even the government understands! Polar bear overboard! Bail out!
I am very excited today! Polar bear! Polar Bear!
How do you know when you’ve got Polar Bear Disease? I mean, how serious does it actually have to be? I’ve been terribly low ever since I had my son. I wrote it off to baby blues, but that was 3 years, 3 months, and another kid ago! I feel SOOO lonely all the time, but don’t actually want/trust anyone’s company to help with that. Then, out of the blue, I’ll get a burst of energy and clean the whole house, become creative again, speak kindly to my children and husband, and stay up all night working on something that is oh so fabulous. Could it be there IS a name for this?
Online smiling models get to me too, as does my Google Reader which keeps creeping up, up UP with number of posts that demand READ ME NOW! So, sometimes I have to shut it down. But, as soon as I get the bravery to reopen it, yours is the first one I check (after Cake Wrecks). Even with all this, I have kept up to date on everything and am glad to hear that sense of humor creeping into your posts even with all the meds.
You know what I think? That every company that gets “bailed out” has to agree to take all the bonuses paid their top execs for the last 5 years and spread it out among all the people who really need it. That would be justice in IMO.
Who said I’m not checking your blog every 7 minutes? And now that we’re “Facebook Friends” I can read you on there too. And while that seems a little weird as I don’t KNOW know you, I so enjoy getting to know you through your blog (and I like you! I really like you!). You are sounding better which must feel good – even with the charming side effects mentioned in #6.
And this bailout shit? I feel for the individuals who work for the car companies and who are just regular folk, working hard and trying to make a living. They deserve to keep their jobs and the retirement they have been promised and for which they have worked. I am DISGUSTED by the CEOs making $22 million and their unbridled greed and total out-of-touchness with how the rest of us live. How does one reach that point of having one’s head so far up one’s own ass? Even if your life is grand and splendid, you just need to turn on the TV for 30 seconds and see that there are others in need. My husband and I are so far from rich, or even “comfortable” but I can still see that there are others who have less than I do. I don’t understand how these CEOs can sleep with the way they behave. We have got to get a handle on our insatiable need for STUFF and BIGGER and MORE. Don’t get me wrong, I like stuff, I have stuff, and I’m not some selfless do-gooder. I am plenty flawed though I work to stay focused on what matters. I get sidetracked (often) but then I try to return to tat focus.
Well, I’m going to get off my soapbox for now. Anyone else need to borrow it?
Longtime ______ that bloggy word that means i read but don’t comment (nope, stalker is NOT the right word); but you acknowledged my existence on facebook, so I’m IN! woot !?
1) the models make me nauseous too, and I am only mildly medicated.
2) student loans need to be the first damn thing to go, it’s ludicrous.
3) know whats fun? when you are prescribed adderall and prozac and sometimes you feel like you are ricocheting between the poles. mmhmm, good times.
Nuthin’ worse than a bald polar bear.
You have been awarded on tinsenpup. Please, please don’t feel you have to do anything with this. It is just an opportunity to let you know that I appreciate your blog.
I am liking the silversmithing….and my hand is raised high and my meds are not even close to yours. Maybe I need better meds, altho yours are just so appealing with all those lovely side effects. baldness, wtf???…..I am with ozma…..how scary is it that I want to check in.
Bossy says: Just you hold tight. She promises.
Oh dear god, I love you. I just (as in, a handful of seconds ago ‘just’) discovered your blog and laughed to the point of tears. But not at you. That would be wrong, and wholly inappropriate. I’m laughing with you. If you’re on a current upswing, that is.
Don’t worry about being bi-polar. My family is filled with ‘em. (Uhh, can you tell that it juuuust might be hereditary from reading my spastic comment? What? Oh, sorry, let me stop the hand flapping) Seriously. Many a functional, fantastic people have this diagnosis and are still functional and fantastic. One of my closest friends is bipolar. And she only wandered the streets naked at night ONCE. Afterward they like, totally upped her meds and stuff. So she’s good.
Really, good luck to you, and you just gained yourself a new reader!
From cold grey icky London, with weather fit for a polar bear, ONE BIG GIANT BEAR HUG your way. (and little ones for your girls too). Also, just much love and prayers, as always. x
Craving fresh, raw, seal are we?
mmmmmmm, seal. nom nom nom
Bear Hug! (srsly)