Polar bear done got shot with a tranq gun: a 10-point recap

In case you’ve been decorating your house with, gosh, candy cane lights or tending to your own family’s selfish, needy-pants needs and you haven’t been checking my blog every seven minutes AS WE AGREED YOU WOULD, let’s recap, because I’m generous that way.

1) Peeps, I was in the hospital. Because apparently crying on the floor next to the washing machine for hours is a sign that something just ain’t right. Word to the wise.

2) When you just ain’t right, they put you in the part of the hospital that has locks on the windows. But you can watch the Comedy Channel, and pretend Jeff Foxworthy is in the psych ward with you, so it’s not so bad.

3) Who am I kidding? It’s bad. It’s scary. But there’s free ice cream and peanut butter.

4) No, it’s scary even with the ice cream. I wrote in my journal a lot and painted dog and teddy bear figurines for the girls (“art therapy”) and went to “group” (Would anyone like to say anything? No? Anyone? No? Bueller?) and watched short VHS movies starring Wally Cleaver. Fo shizzle!

5) I didn’t see Nurse Ratchett. Although one of the nurses did get all uppity with me for “caretaking” my roommate in the middle of the night. I thought tending kindly to a freaked-out terrified woman at 3am was a promising sign of mental health on my part. I still do.

6) I’m home. Things got worse, post-hospital. So the Doc and me, we done add a new med to my Cosmopolitan Crazy Cocktail, a med strong enough to bring down a rabid rhino in two seconds flat. I was told to expect weight gain, diarrhea, balding, acne flare-ups, dizziness, drowsiness, and the second, third and fourth coming of Jesus Christ.

7) Sophie calls my disorder the Polar Bear Disease. I like it. It took me a while to accept the diagnosis, but I think it explains my desire to head north to Iceland, or south to Patagonia.

I can’t travel just yet, as this Bipolar Bear done been shot with a tranq gun, is how it feels.

9) But this Bipolar Bear is still trying to do some Christmas shopping online without freaking out. She puts her head down in between surfing online stores because their happy happy happy models make her a little nauseous. Or it could be the meds. Hard to say.

10) This Bipolar Bear would like to know why Wall Street and the Auto Industry get bailouts, but she is still expected to pay off $60K in student loans, like a lot of other struggling good folks. This is so dang crazy, the hospital seems less crazy than out here. Raise your hand if you want a bailout because you’re worried about feeding your family! Yes! You there! And you! I see you. Trust me, I see you.