Imagine:
A box shows up on your doorstep.
Inside, it contains an old mini-DV camera, batteries and 25 hours of footage of you, exactly ten years ago.
Exactly ten years ago, you were the subject of a documentary project, a film that didn’t happen, after all.
But the tapes exist.
And there they are.
You know if you look at them, you will see yourself at the age of 30—pregnant with your firstborn, living in NYC, and loving your husband, who filmed you. Your young husband’s voice and face and laugh and love for you are woven throughout the footage, you know. Because you remember.
You haven’t seen these tapes for ten years, but you remember.
Imagine the box, as it sits on your dining room table, still sealed, waiting for you to make up your mind.
Now: Do you look?
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
that lady looks just like you, but she should ease off the beers, getting a little bit of a belly
But it’s such a CUTE belly.
You were the cutest thing!
For what it’s worth, I’d consider watching them, with your daughters. Reaffirming that they were born out of love and all that.
I would, but not yet…. too raw, barely scabbed over… but that’s just me.
An amazingly cute belly though, I’m completely certain that I NEVER looked like that with ANY of mine. More lump-ish, sadly, and with sturdier foundations!
i’m not good with the pictures, so no, i don’t look. not yet. maybe in five years or so. or something.
Someday. That picture alone makes ME cry. In your raw state, I can’t imagine how many pounds of salt in the wound that would be. Did the film maker drop them off? It seems a wee bit sadistic, frankly.
Ooh, sounds like a box of trouble. I’d say watch only with daughters or very good friend.
And that, is a damn cute belly!
no. not yet.
let bygones be……don’t emphasize them…
not right now. later.
xo
Pandora’s box, what would I do? Hmmmmm.
Pandora’s box indeed.
Nope. I’d put them away for your daughters when they are much older.
Hang onto them for the girls, but don’t watch them until the girls are in their teens (maybe late teens).
I’m for later, somewhere down the road, unless you can do the audio alone … the photos + audio? recipe for torrential downpour. xoxo
I think, you will know definitively when you are ready. You will just know.
I watched mine at the worst possible time, just recently during Christmas. I thought that, coming up on a year of being officially divorced and closing in on 2 years of separation, I would be okay.
I don’t think there’s ever a good time. I think that watching them was important for me to feel closure, or at least to open the door for closure and to invite it in for a long, uncomfortable visit. If you’re feeling strong, try a little. You don’t have to watch them all. You’ll know after 5 minutes if it’s time or if it’s not. <3 All my love to you.
I would not be able to do it, I’m certain of that. Not yet. And not ever, without a great deal of sorrow. I can’t even listen to MUSIC that reminds me of happier times. And the photo albums continue to gather dust.
I like knowing I have them, though. Someday I’ll be able to look. And you will too, if you want to. Though I’m not sure, in my case, that closure per se would occur–re-opening of old wounds seems probable….
I wouldn’t be able to resist watching them.
There is a cow standing on a wooden chest of some sort, and that same chest appears to be smiling drunkenly.
That is all.
Not unless I was trying to work up the courage to leap off a bridge, no.
What a strange thing to uncover. I don’t know that I could watch. At least not all at once. Wow. Such a rare time capsule.
i would totally watch, b/c i have no self-control, but wouldn’t do it with the girls, in case i would get overrun with a tsunami of endless sobbing. also, if it’s raw right now, then i would wait…but eventually, would be too curious. i remember when you guys made that video.
A few years ago, someone ran across a video of me performing in some lounge at Grinnell when I was a wee lass of 22. Of course, I watched it. I cringed at parts, felt nostalgic in parts, felt happy and sad in parts. That’s pretty much how life is too, huh?
Not yet. No way. Too raw.
Later, when the girls are older and you can watch and smile and laugh and you will (by the time you watch) be so far past the pain and left only with gratitude. You will be there, someday, I promise.
Wait. Trust me. It hurts.
Apparently I shouldn’t look, no matter what I THOUGHT I should do because reading this made me want to cry. I need to up the Prozie. It is now official.
What a cute girl…with another cute girl inside of her!
I firmly believe that the cute woman you are now, Jenn, will be able to trust her instinct and celebrate with Sophie when the time is right.
xoxoxo and mac and cheese.
L
Yes.
Look because you thought of looking.
Because of the fearless glint in your eye.
Tell us what you see.
Please be gentle with yourself.
I think I’d wait til I was strong enough to survive a good hearty cry – or wait til my body really needed a good hearty cry, like to detox or something – or just wait til the sun shone brighter and the days were warmer so I could shake it off a little faster.
I think it would make me really sad to look…..and I’ve been divorced for 14 years.
I would wait. I would celebrate the life you are living now. I would treasure those tapes, and put them in a fireproof, waterproof safe, and wait. But I would want to look every minute of every day.
Good. Lord. No.
ouch. ouch ouch ouch ouch.
no. don’t do it.
(although — I would. After about a gallon of alcohol.)
Definitely no. I agree with the others: it’s just too soon.
I would tell you no, but secretly, at 2AM I would not be able to resist the urge to watch them and then I would be instantly full of regret that I did. Sad but true.
I would look, because I’m the kind of person who couldn’t help myself. To me it would be a justification that yes, this love did exist. It wasn’t something I imagined, it was real and alive and precious. It would be an outlet for me to say the my current grief is ok because what I am mourning is truly a great loss. But that’s me and how I would look at it. If you even have a thought that viewing these tapes would stifle the progress that you try so hard to make every day, then don’t do it. Call the Mater and ask her to hold on to them until you are ready to watch with your girls later on down the road.
I finally got a hold of my wedding video six years after the fact and a year after he left. I watched it, I couldn’t resist. It didn’t make it hurt more, maybe because I was already so sad. It was a wonderful day, it was nice to see us so happy. I’d say watch it.
Is this now the most controversial post in the history of BEAW? Perhaps not, but it’s right up there in terms of divergent opinions. There’s really nothing anyone else can do except offer their own experiences (where relevant), a concomitant opinion (which is what blog comments are ALL ABOUT!), and then sit back, put a little extra butter and salt on the popcorn, stare intently at the screen, and wait with bated breath to see what happens next. I think I need to stiffen up my Ryan Coke before this goes any further.
Also, I really like the buttons up there on top right of the site. They stay with me wherever I scroll! And, being an avowed addict of REDDIT, I like the cute little alien best of all.
You will do what your instincts scream for you to do. If “NOOOO!” is what your inner voice is saying, heed it. If you are kept up at night with the wondering, perhaps the only way to quell the wonders is to watch, as a spectator.
I do this. I am a spectator of my former life, my life with Arden. I, too, am a different, happier person. It was when I was whole. I like to be reminded that I once existed that way. It brings up the grief again, to be sure, but if I don’t let the grief surface once in awhile, it will do so of its own accord, when I least expect or want it too (randomly, in a doctor’s office or grocery store, typically in the most inopportune moment, when all witnesses are sure to put the invisible “crazy woman” stamp on my back.)
Again – you do what is best for you. For me, uncorking the bottle every now and then, letting the bubbles of sadness effervesce and escape, releases some of the painful pressure that’s constantly building within.
Much love.
No no no no no no no no no no. A thousand times no. Way too soon. I’d give to my mother or someone else for a while so I wouldn’t even be tempted.
I’m voting: Later. Keep it safe, though, if not for you, for Sophie.
Sending love.
Okay, before I start, I need to say that I do not know how the bpd (yeah, you know me) fits into this. So listen to your mom or shrink on this for sure. But….
I would totally watch them, and here’s why: you can’t let your fear of hurting define you.
Yes, it will hurt, to see and remember the love that was there, and isn’t anymore. Yup, gonna hurt. But, after the sobbing and aching and wishing is over, then you can finish that film as you see fit.
Make it a documentary, your documentary. Make it avant garde and weird. Make it a musical. But, if you just keep waiting to be ready to face it, your fear wins.
Pain is just that. Pain. It hurts, but eventually it stops. We’re so afraid of hurting. And seeing the hope and love you once had will be salt in a wound. But, then you can clean that wound, let a scab form and see what you’re gonna get for a scar.
Don’t be afraid to hurt. It won’t hurt forever.
NO! Your uterus is giving you too much sass right now for that. I recently started watching baby videos of my now almost-five-year-old son and they make my ovaries twitch.
Later… like when your girls are in their early teens and you want to sell them on craigslist.
Pretty sure I need Kendra in my life….
I don’t think I would be able to stop myself from watching it, which is why all of my photos from that time in my life are in a storage unit three towns away. I pay the bill each month, but I never go there. I’m not ready yet.
No, no, no. Put them away for later, do not take them out. Give it to your mother, who has your best interests at heart — not the person who delivered this package, in your still-fragile state.