Never Talk to Strangers seems a little 70s to me. I thought the new thinking was, Talk to some strangers if you are in danger: grannies, mommies with kids, police, store clerks. But there it is—the black-and-white version, subtexted Strangers Are Death—in Hattie Bella’s room, and she wants THAT book for bedtime.
I am not sure where the book came from. I don’t remember ordering it, and it doesn’t seem like the kind of book David would order either. I think maybe it was part of a Scholastic package deal, along with Everybody Gets Mad and Breaks Lil’ Sister’s Fingers Sometimes and When Teddy’s Silly Mommy Flew to Jamaica and Never Came Back.
Whatever the case, we read it. Strange animals follow nervous but smart-looking children. “If a camel smoking crack comes to your door, don’t answer! Your mom won’t mind! NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS!” “If a rhino who’s a wino says hi from poolside, swim, swim away! NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS!”
Each time, H. loudly and solemnly said it along with me: “NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS! NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS! NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS!”
The next day we went to the supermarket. She asked me to take her out of the cart so she could help me shop.
Then she proceeded to prance down the aisles in her ruby-red sparkly slippers, talking to every stranger she encountered, with me right behind, fascinated that this people-loving creature exploded forth from my shy, retiring, agoraphobic loins.
“EXCUSE ME! HI! EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME PEESE. HI!” If she got the slightest reaction from anyone, she would bow in a princely fashion, arms outspread, and yell, “HI! I’M HANNAH!”
I think she made a point to commune with everyone in the supermarket. Perhaps if they had strapped on Wino the Rhino or Cracky the Camel masks, she would have remembered the message of the prior night’s reading.
It’s a little alarming to see how exuberant she is. At the checkout counter, she beamed at the checkout girl and hollered, “OOOH! YOUR NECKLACE IS BEE-EW-TEE-FUL! MY NAME IS HANNAH!” Predictably, everyone within earshot was charmed. The usual grim reaper clerks turned to smile and wave. Meanwhile, pedophiles rushed to the stationery section to buy notebooks to write down identifying information.
What does one DO with a friendly Tigger of a kid? What do you SAY? There’s enough fear in the world for five worlds over.
Is there a better approach? At the very least, a better book?
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Maybe she was thinking that if she introduced herself to everyone, then there would not be any strangers in the store and hence, no need to be afraid. Maybe?
I met a kid like that in the waiting room at my kids’ dentist this week. My toddler was playing and this 4-year-old immediately started playing very nicely with him. Within about 90 seconds, he said, this is fun, wanna come to a playdate at my house sometime? I live in Middleburg. Mom was in the back with her other kid; I just said, that’s awfully nice of you to ask.
Wish I could, but I can’t help you there. Even as a child I was very judgemental of strangers. Everyone had to meet my stringent requirements before they were even going to get a smile out of me. Now that you mention it though, I bet my children will probably be just like Hannah, just because it’s funny that way and God has a good sense of humor.
Ben is just like Hannah. I don’t know where he came from, because it couldn’t have been from me, and it most DEFINITELY was not from my husband, who gets hives at the thought of writing a thank-you note.
I have an idea: why not ask your social butterfly of a mama? She’s made it this far without being dragged into a car by a stranger looking for help with his lost dog (at least I THINK she has).
Here’s my guess: Hannah feels comfortable enough in your or David’s presence to bestow sunshine and rainbows all over the supermarket, but if she were not with you or with a trusted friend or teacher, she would not be so effusive. So there’s probably not too much to worry about.
We are dealing with this at our house right now. How do we teach our extroverted child to be cautious but not filled with fear? I mean I don’t want him to be a fearful adult who thinks that everyone is out to get him. Then, he will grow up and lock himself in his apartment (who am I kidding – he would never leave home and would live in my leaky basement) and eat spaghetti-o’s out of the can and live only through the internet? Not that I’ve given this topic any thought or anything…
Clearly, I’m looking for some answers here.
Now I’m really tempted to fly down to the Berkshires and knock on your front door wearing a camel mask and holding a big greasy box of cinnamon buns.
Where I’m torn is whether I’d prefer to see you or the H-bomb answer the door. But I’d have a video camera on hand to record the whole thing.
Did someone say “cinnamon buns?” Come on IN, Mister!
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I struggle with this issue, too. I think the fact that she was with you probably had a lot to do with Little Miss Sunshine appearing LIVE! IN STORES NOW! LIVE! and you can’t come down on her just for being her charming young self. Nor do you want to terrify her with lots of warnings and boogiemen, so where do you draw the line?
Through trial and error, we draw the line at talking to strangers when Mommy and Daddy aren’t around, like across the playground or something. We don’t tell our personal information, like our last name or our school, to anyone and we kind of wing it, really.
As far as the “If You Ever Get Lost…” rules, we stick with the “Look for another Mommy” policy, and of course, make sure they have memorized their addresses and phone numbers. I read on ParentHacks about a family that, before they go to amusement parks and other crowded situations, writes the identifying info and phone #s on the child’s stomach in Sharpie under their clothes. That’s the kind of simple, practical parenting I aspire to – no uneccessary terrorizing, yet it helps the child feel protected.
I used to teach “stranger danger” to my grade 1 class. I think the problem is that kids think bad strangers will be easily identifiable (of course I won’t talk to a crack smoking camel – wait, what does a crack pipe look like?) We always taught that there are some strangers you can trust and some you shouldn’t (if you are lost then a store clerk is a good stranger and can help you find your parent. Likewise for lifeguards, teachers, police… but if someone pulls up and rolls down their window asking for directions, take a step back from the car and give them directions if you know it)
My daughter is exactly the same way, and my retiring, shy hubby & I are equally baffled as to just where this child came from. She knows no fear — a few weeks ago at a party at the park, she left to go play with a dad & young son tossing around a baseball. The child hadn’t been out of my sight but for 2 minutes, and in that time, she’d already donned herself the extra catcher’s mitt and was shouting, “My turn now! Throw it to ME!”
I don’t want to ruin her glorious confidence in herself, but on the other hand….Yes, what to do? She is blond, blue-eyed, curly haired beauty who already draws a lot of attention before opening her mouth. (At Target: Nice Older Lady, “You’re a real cutie!” Her: “I KNOW!” like she can hardly believe it herself.)
If you find the answer, do share.
I teach my son to never go anywhere with anyone without the explicit permission of his parents or his main classroom teacher.
“I have an idea: why not ask your social butterfly of a mama? She’s made it this far without being dragged into a car by a stranger looking for help with his lost dog (at least I THINK she has).”
Yep, darn it! No stranger, no seduction. At my age, I entertain the thought of strange men and a bit of excitement.
Say no more, baby…
When I did my road safety badge at Brownies, many light years ago, Tawny Owl or whoever it was testing me asked what I would do if a stranger pulled up next to me and asked for directions. I said that I’d tell them if I knew. This was the wrong answer.
Nowadays I find great humour in this, as the idea of me ever being able to give anyone directions anywhere is utterly laughable.
Here is the problem with telling kids not to talk to strangers. It is impossible to go through life without talking to strangers. And if, God forbid, they get lost in a mall or an amusement park, they are going to HAVE to talk to strangers in order to get help finding you. So here is what I did with my kids. Every now and then, we would sit down at a cafe or in a mall and I would say, “let’s say you needed some help for something. Who would you ask?” They would take their time scanning the passing throngs and nine times out of ten they picked a mom with a stroller which, in fact, is exactly who I would want them to pick. Help them learn first to know, and then to trust, their own instincts about people and the skill will serve them well their whole life long.
I’m in the same boat. My Lily is as outgoing as your little Hannah is – talks to everyone who stands still in her vicinity for more than 2 seconds. Drives me nuts, especially when the person she’s talking to seems annoyed (poo-heads), but I hate to squelch her exuberant spirit. I really don’t know where it came from – oh wait, I remember I USED to be that way when I was little, before I knew how judgemental and mean people can be. Her twin bro Max is nothing like this so it’s def in her genes. If you find an answer, do share because I really don’t know how to approach it. I keep thinking I’ll have the “stranger” talk when they’re older but I know they are old enough now to be in danger from a predator. So I’m at a loss too.
There is a great book that I love called ‘Protecting the Gift.’ It is a follow up book to ‘The Gift of Fear.’ Both by Gavin De Becker.
The gift of fear is aimed at teaching women to trust their instincts, etc. to keep themselves safe and Protecting the Gift is about how to teach your kids to be safe without being overly afraid.
I found them both to be fascinating and enlightening.
Bossy is still awaiting her book of instructions. She ordered it 18 years ago, but you know — online shipping…
Gah! I, too, am dealing with this same issue, with not one but TWO exceedinly outgoing children. Owen is 4, Edie is almost 2, and they both seem to shoot sunshine out of their ears, they beam so brightly in public.
Both will chatter with anyone they encounter, and Owen goes so far as to offer up both of their names, and mine (“Hi! I’m Owen! I’m 4! That’s my baby sister. Her name’s Edie! She’s 1! That’s my mom! She’s Jennifer! We live in [City name]!”) The exclamation points are necessary to illustrate his level of enthusiasm at offering all these details.
I smile meekly at whomever has been subjected to this barrage of no doubt fascinating information, and wonder the same things: How to instill a sense of caution without all the fear that goes with it.
It’s a dilemma, that’s for sure.
Come to Texas and you’ll never have to worry here; we are all strange and therefore, no strangers. See how that works?
My parents said I never met a stranger. I asked them how they kept me from talking to everyone and they said they didn’t.
What I remember is that “feeling” that someone wasn’t right. I believe kids have this even more than adults. There were certain people I just “knew” weren’t right – even as a child. They may be acting nice and have on a nicety-nice voice, but I knew something was wrong with them.
I’ve watched for that in my kids and sense they have it. Whereas some people they seem to embrace, others they will look away from, not answer, hide behind my legs. I respect that. I think their heightened sensitivity knows more than I do. I once cancelled a date b/c my child was afraid of the sitter.
I don’t think you do anything more than share with them a few guidelines. “If you can’t see mommy, mommy can’t see you and that isn’t safe.” Or “Never go away with anyone unless we’ve already talked about it.”
I don’t want to instill fear – it is a hard call sometimes.
We at this house have the same system as OMSH, if you can’t see us, we can’t see you, so you better start yelling. It actually worked on Meathead once when he was a 1st grader and on a fieldtrip to the zoo had gotten seperated from his “group” When you have a gazillion schools at the same zoo on fieldtrip day, there’s kids galore and it is impossible to find one small child amongst the many. If it hadn’t been for him calling his teachers name repeatedly it would have been a while before they found him.
I just fear someone finding out Booms love for bugs.. a kitten or puppy isn’t gonna get her to go with someone but give em a praying mantis and I’m in trouble.
I do like Velma’s idea for busy spots like amusement parks… you can’t tear the tag off of shaprie on skin. And they can’t lose it.
Yeah, I’m with you there. The other day, Merrie went outside to pick grandma’s flowers. I said to her, “what if a stranger talks to you?” She said, “um, I don’t talk back?” I said, it’s okay, you can talk, JUST GET MOMMY right away. “Right. I’ll get you right away, Mommy.” Not five minutes later, I see her engaged in a very long, very friendly conversation with the garbage man. Who, indeed, looked friendly. But, of course, she never called me, just began chatting, and THAT WASN’T THE PLAN. When I ask her about it, she told me that she decided it was okay to talk to him, because she looked into his heart. “It was like I could see right into his heart, Mommy, and I could tell that he was nice. I just knew it.”
And he probably was, but who knows, and awful things can happen to children, and I just don’t have 100% faith in her 5-year-old ability to look into anyone’s heart and see what’s truly there.
On the other hand, Blair and I were a hot tub at the pool earlier today, and a perfectly adorable little 4-year old girl whom we’d never seen before came into the hot tub with us and began tickling Blair. There was no mom in sight, and the girl just kept coming up to him and putting her hands on his legs and saying “tickle, tickle…”, and I was like, well, okay, at least I know my child isn’t tickling strange men in hot tubs.
At least not that I know.
Good luck with that! That’s hard.
My personal vote is to let them be innocent, naive children for as long as possible. Hopefully by the time she is at the age where she is going places unaccompanied by adults, she will have had a special talk with her ever-so-smart mommy about how to be smart with strangers.
Either that or we can all secretly plan our own community in the woods like in “The Village”…..
Jamie
I’m right there with you. I had a long talk with my 4 yr old daughter before going into Walmart about not talking to strangers. So what does she do? Goes up to a strange lady and says hi stranger. Mom she’s a stranger. Yep, she gets the whole stranger concept. When you figure out how to get them not to tell their whole life stories to strangers but still being friendly and polite please post because I’m at a loss.
I thought we were OK because she is always with us.
I’m waiting on this one. It will be too, too sad to make it end now. Can’t we wait until they are older?
I just can’t think about it now.
Also, I talk to strangers all the time.
Wow. Those are actual books? I’d hoped that you were kidding.
I think if parents do too much to sequester kids it leads to a certain level of introversion that doesn’t serve them well in the long run. At the same time, the world can be a pretty crummy place. I think one answer is to live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else. That way no one’s really a stranger and the village really does “raise” the child. So there you go! Instant solution! You’re welcome!
This is a tough issue – especially as they get older and have to forge for themselves more and more. I remember shopping one day and hearing this little girl, rather robotically, saying something about keeping her 2 foot perimeter to be safe from strangers. (She gave me a dirty look.) I had to think this barrier was artificial and identifying me, with the kids and the mommy jeans, as a threat seems as effective as frisking old ladies at the airport.
Anyway – I did have a corny suggestion.
My kids, and some of our friends, liked the The Safe Side DVD by John Walsh. It’s kinda silly, but I think that’s the point. It shows real nice-looking people and how to kid street-smart. (No wino rhino.) The girl that ‘hosts’ the show is appealing to kids too because she is wacky.
End commercial.
Hope you have a great weekend.
This is a really tough situation in my house…because I have a “robin williams on crack” 41/2 year old who speaks to anyone, anywhere, anytime. Oh! hello shank wielding toothless addit person! my name is RWOC and I have superman underwear on and also, I’m liking your pretty sharp thing blah blah blah blah…..
Then I bought SAFE SIDE SUPER CHICK VIDEO from ADAM WALSH
web-site SAFE SIDE. It is genius and not scary. Check it out.
See you in the alley!!
While shopping with me my 3 year old will say “Hi Stranger” “Mom is that a stranger?” “That’s a nice stranger.” Or after people engage me in a conversation about how the kids’ eyes are so big or blue, etc. then he will ask “Why did you talk to stranger?” How do you draw the line or teach them that some strangers will be ‘nice’ to lure you in?
My son had the same problem . Smartypants that he is asked me,” Wasn’t Clay (his bf at the time) a stranger before he was my friend?” What could I say? Even now the logic dumbfounds me. I have no answer for you, sweety, but take heart. All is never lost. My son,G , is now 26 with a 7-year-old step smartypants of his own.
I tell my kids that when mommy and/or daddy are right there, they can talk to all the strangers they want to. I like it when they connect with other people.
The only time they need to be wary is when they don’t have one of their grown-ups with them.
Well, my mom kept me on a leash, so I suppose you could try that. . .
Oh man, I know that book from my childhood! I love that book- that creepy whale. I remember thinking it was the coolest thing ever.
I don’t know how to help you there Jenn, I don’t even like talking to people I KNOW half the time…
Crack the Camel…I love it!!
Seriously, one of the major networks televised a report about a year or two ago where they actually followed kids with a camera after the kids received training on “suspicious strangers” and, unfortunately, most of the kids still did all the things they were warned not to do do: get too close to a car, offer to help a stranger, etc. Of course, the “scenarios” were scripted and actors were used but it was a demonstration that kids may listen to what a parent is trying to get across but, in real life, kids are much more trusting and curious and that may override common sense and caution.
No easy answer or solution it seems.
There is a Bearnstain Bears book about strangers that is pretty good. Actually it is really good. But how you get a young child to absorb a lesson and apply it is a great question….
Hattie and Sophie are so well loved and well “parented” that the idea of mistreatment by an adult is a purely abstract concept. Kids that age operate from their (extremely limited) experience of the world, which, for these two, means that grown-ups are “nice”.
So how do you make them aware of possible problems? Having been a so-so parent myself, I dont’ know, except to always keep them on a visual leash which you let grow longer and longer as they grow older.
There’s “The Safe Side” video (I think that’s the title anyway). It’s done in part with Julie Clark of Baby Einstein fame. It’s for a little older kid, but it’s worth a look. It was over the head of my two year old. I think we’re just going to keep her close and pray, pray, pray that God does too.
Maybe the problem is that we spend all our time telling them that strangers are bad but not enough time explaining exactly WHO a stranger is. In a kids mind bad people all look hedious with curling mustashes and a black cloke. They just can’t process that a normal looking adult is “Bad”.
Ha..this is so great. I remember that book from my childhood! I had completely forgotten about it. I too remember saying Never talk to strangers over and over.