I get SO MUCH the E-mail.
But my heart? It fly out of my breasts, to poor Anna.
Poor Luckky Anna, she look for Mr. Right. No good. Anna write to me from her sofa in Kirov, Russia. Of course I must to help Anna.
(Anna’s message, it below mine. Here for you to read is mine, first.)
*****
Dear Luckky Anna,
Hello man!
I am happy to receive your message today. We have much together in common, Luckky Anna/Nickolas Woodruff/bsmiamgdr@bourgeoisbtri.com.
I too am tired of loneliness. So I take in the dogs. One, a very Big dog. Today, I spend one half hour to clean Big dog’s ears again. His ears, so sick. As you say, Anna, all good occurs in the future, which mean good never come, and I cleaning Big dog ears forever. But not terrible, means I will to have no time to think about my loneliness because all the dirty cotton balls.
Ah, this is life, Luckky Anna, such is this a life.
I happily give you a few patience. Everyone needs a few patience. I to did read your letter to the end. I am happy to name you Anna, if your parents forgot do this at hospital, or if they named you mistake ‘Nickolas Woodruff’ after British Swatch Watch seller at Heathrow, or they name you ‘BSMIAMGDR,’ because they drunk like the skunks on the nice smooth Russian vodka at the time. It must be difficult, waiting on Internet people so far away to name you, Luckky Anna. I feel in my heart for you. Perhaps, it is time, Luckky Anna, you name yourself, yes?
Like you, Luckky Anna, my life goes in regular intervals and every day is similar on previous. This is 21 century, no?
Just today I laid at home on sofa and thought, Why I am lonely? Why I cannot find my special the man? Probably I have made nothing to be happy? Certainly I can be together with the man which I not love, to give birth to the child and simply to be mum, but to not be happy in the family, but I do not want it. I want to love the man and simply be happy to be with him.
And then I think on me, Why I am speaking like this, in my head to? Why I think these thoughts, in divorce time? Was born 38 years ago and I give birth to the child and be mum, yes, but why I am thinking in funny Russian accent on my sofa and the Big dog to now lick my wine glass?
Luckky Anna, you and I must to pull ourself together on it, on our life! I want to do itself my life happy too, Anna! Do not go the marriage agency again, Anna! Do not to give the big sum of money for the marriage!
Why the marriage agency give to you mine E-mail and have told that I am interested in find woman for life, now, this, Luckky Anna, I don’t know! Is possible they knock me out when to sleep I am, and they to steal my E-mail from Amazon.com?
This will sad to make you, Luckky Anna, but right now in present time? I am not to looking for woman or man for life. I sorry am, so sorry, Anna. I think no, we cannot build serious relations, But yes, Anna of Luckkiness, you are interested to me and I cannot stop the thinking in Russian accents and somehow, I like. I speak to Big dog like Russian shopwoman and Big dog, he like! (Because usual time he no like me to clean his Big dog ears. But the Russian accent in my head now is pleasant to him so I must to thank you, because I able to whisper the sweet Russian accent to him and he let me squeeze the more medicine into his Big dog ears! Yes!)
Anna-Nickolas-BSMIAMGDR, I understand in computers not very much, like you. But I get your photograph. Your picture is very pleasant, of course. I wish to have breasts like yours, but I simply be mum, and so my breasts, they go down to kneecaps because my babies suck them to the death. Congratulations, Luckky Anna, to be born 27 years ago and to still have the Big breasts that point so high the Heavens.
You ask about my desires, Anna-So-Luckky. I do not know them, besides to want the breasts like yours that are Big and point Up, not to Down. It is a hard time on my sofa, Anna. You went to Marriage Agency; I went to Divorce Agency. Both places? Very lonely, Anna, yes. Please to feel not so alone in Kirov. We both need more than the 10 minutes to make our life to change. No Agency can to help with this.
Your breasts, maybe they help you. My breasts, not so much of the help. But I think: probably our destiny to be happy alone first? I do not know, but like you, I want to try to know, Anna. I want to try to know.
Excuse, if I something have offended you, or something has told not correctly, Luckky Anna. I wish for you to be the get Luckky girl in the whole world and Heavens. I wish this for you, yes! You not offend me, you only make me wish for plastics breasts surgery, but I wish these before I get your E-mail with picture, so. Is okay. I never before write back to a Luckky Anna like you, and so I worry a little too.
I hope you stay away from bad Marriage Agency, because they cannot to help you. Take the English studies, hug your mother, play with nice children that are no yours, use the nice birth control, and you to see what happen. To be woman of the world? First, Luckky Anna? We must to be women of ourselves. Of our own world, no man make this better. We must to make our own Heavens where the breasts, they do not matter so much.
It is hard, and of course there will be many, many days of lie down on sofa with the vodka or the wine. Yes. But some days? Luckky Anna and Luckky Jenni? We get up and we to look in mirror and we to say, Ah! No Agency for to need! Anna and Jenni do not need the Agency to be happy!
OK? bye bye, Luckky Anna. I here to cheer for you!
I shall wait your letter, and I shall clean Big dog’s ears every day until it come.
Tired of the loneliness, of the breasts born 38 years ago, and of the strange E-mails that never to stop,
Jenni
*****
From: ‘Nickolas Woodruff’ [bsmiamgdr@bourgeoisbtri.com]
Subject: YOU NEED 10 MIN YOU CHANGE YOUR LIFE
Hello man!
I understand, that you do not know me and I do not know you, but
probably in the future all can change. All good always occurs in the
future and I ask a few patience from you to read my letter up to the
end. In the beginning I want to be presented you and to tell a little
about my life.
My name is Anna and to me it will be very pleasant, if
you will name me so. Was born 27 years ago and all this time I live in
Russia, in city of Kirov. Now I work as the seller in shop and I very
much like my work as I every day communicate with many different
people. My life goes in regular intervals and every day is similar on
previous.
I like my friends and love my family. Certainly the most
important i want to found love and my the husband to be the happiest
woman in the world. For all my life I could not meet the man to which
I could trust completely and with which I would like to connect my
life, but very much I want.
Several days ago I laid at home on a sofa and thought, Why I am
lonely? Why I cannot find my special the man? Probably I have made
nothing to be happy? Certainly I can be together with the man which I
not love, to give birth to the child and simply to be mum, but to not
be happy in the family, but I do not want it. I want to love the man
and simply be happy to be with him.
Also I have thought. Why to not try to get acquainted with the man from other country
if I could not find my special man here in Russia? Now we live in 21 century and I
know, that many people use the Internet and “Marriage agencies” to get
acquainted with suitable the man in any point globe. I do not want to
be lonely during my life or simply to sit and wait, when my love will
come to me. I want to do itself my life happy and have found such
marriage agency here in my city. I knew, that their help will be not
free-of-charge, but they have asked the big sum of money from me.
Nevertheless I have thought and have decided to not be greedy this
money, for the sake of my happiness and my love. Money – never can
give to me of it. Probably my destiny to be with the man from other
country? I do not know, but I want to try to know.
They gave to me yours E-mail and have told, that you also are
interested to find the woman for a life. I think, that now you can
understand, how my letter has come to you, could learn a little about
my life and about me, but I do not know your desires and I ask to
think. We can try to build serious relations or probably simply to be
friends. If you do not have desire simply speak to me and I can
understand. Nevertheless if I am interesting to you it would be very
pleasant for me to learn also a little more about you and to receive
your photos. I understand in computers not much, but I hope, that you
also can receive my photos in this letter. Certainly appearance not
the most important in the person both his private world and soul are
of great value, but nevertheless it is more pleasant to receive the
letter from the person and to see, how he looks. All this, that I
wanted to tell to you and now I shall wait only your answer. Excuse,
if I something have offended you in my letter or something has told
not correctly, but understand, that I try it for the first time and I
worry a little. Even if serious relations are not interesting to you
or I am not pleasant, simply let to me know. Ok? bye bye
Tired of loneliness,
Anna
P.S. My e-mail: luckkyanna@gmail.com where I shall wait your letter!
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
“We must to be women of ourselves.” How true and how beautifully expressed.
BTW, love your Russian accent!
Also, we must appreciate the bodies that have given us the children and not wish to look like the plastic women no matter how much the TV it tries to brainwash us.
Dear Jenni,
Please to excuse me. Your Emails given to me by friends are mistake. My heart under my breast feeling the sorrow for your times. Is something possible for me doing to making you happier? I am pressing “Donate” button on wonderful blog, but only dollars it takes, not rubles. And rubles I am poor in also.
Maybe bigger help is me in cleaning dogs ears. I am good in these skills. In this time I am await the visa to visit your country for dogs ears to clean. Can you promise me the help? Visa for me is only 200 dollars. If you are sending it soon, you will bring great pleasure to my breast.
I am waiting your letter,
Anna
Oh Jenni! I have the death, from is the laughing.
I missed you, though this post makes me wonder why… just kidding. I did miss reading you, and the “made/unmade” post made me cry a little. (is there an end to it?!?!?!?!) I’m still separated (’cause i never got married in the first place-so no messy divorce for me) and i have a part time job now (yay!), I’m a work-at-home mother–not easy. I actually play “office” with my daughter while I attempt to get stuff done on the computer. And while you’re “enjoying your summer vacation” I’m freezing my ass off (winter here) and going to all kinds of social events ALONE, like school bingo night yesterday. (i did win something though). yet, it’s ok to be alone (sometimes). take care Anna, and stay away from the vodka.
The accent of Russian street seller. You say ‘seller’? Or you say ‘street walker’? I like to know to say in right way of the American. So sexy it is and bring me the pleasure in my breast as long like my knees and calf-cows.
Reminds me of a written media pitch we received from an Indonesian magazine back when I worked in advertising. Basically, if we took some ads in their magazine, everything would be ‘more and more sparkle’ for us and our client. I wish I had it here but I fear it is in my longdead filing system in a now defunct office in Brisbane.
And oh, the TV, how it tries.
I have (very! American!) friends who break into Russian accent when we drink vodka. You have exactly nailed in writing what they speak. Hilariously well-written… Thanks for the giggles.
A very odd coincidence – I received that very same email this morning! I’d suspect it latches onto address books but it actually wasn’t addressed properly to me, just the first four letters of my email address matched. So, if anyone is wondering who Maria Smallwood might be with the subject heading ‘I want you answer’, know it’s Luckky Anna and her pseudonyms!
So weird! Anna wants me too. This was really good.
Hmm, to think that my daughter named me “the ethnic chameleon” years ago. Looks like she’s inheriting the title (and the Polish bosom). Anna will catch up to us, I’m sure. Eastern European women have curves.
Is too funny! Snort!
LMAO! I am jealous of the breasts too. I hate it when Russian women think I’m looking for women. I like me some men, not some women. Well, good luck with that. Maybe you can hook her up with some poor schmuck wandering the street selling “stuff” around town too. They can sell their “stuff” together…hehe.
She is the lukky that she has met not the man for a life. Sometimes, the man, he is for trouble, too. Maybe, she try hobby?
We must be women ourselves – perfect statement and so true!!!
Stopp for make laugh too much!
Jenn, is there something you’d like to share with us? Like that, perhaps, you have joined Match.com, but accidentally signed up as a man? Because I have many male friends who get letters from Anna and all her friends (and co-workers and neighbors and cousins) who all happen to be most beutifull with lovly brests and also excelennt cook.
Hey. Wait. Maybe she also cleans and provides free child-care??
I am to lie on the breasts, not point to the heavens longer, and weep into pillow for it is warm the heart and laugh like schoolgirl, yes?