We’re at a university theatre department awards ceremony that’s hosted by the students. They are SERIOUSLY DECKED OUT. Student uniforms: Sleek little cocktail dresses and sky-high heels for the young ladies. Savvy suits, sportjackets with a hip Miami Vice retro edge for the gents. Professor uniforms: General forgettable professorial frumpage, including us—everyone save the costume design professor, who looks fab and sparkly.
In my defense, the Miami Vice thang fools me into thinking I am back in the 80s. It’s an era I would not wish to relive, not even for several billion dollars and a healthy dollop of world peace, but it’s a place where I can get around without a map.
One of David’s students, a most affable fellow—M.—volunteers his services as one of the designated drivers for the awards afterparty. I am charmed and impressed. I always tried to look out the window or tie my Birkenstocks whenever the subject of volunteering to be a designated driver came up at college.
When M. comes over to bid us hello and goodbye, I smile broadly and say—start your walkers, GenXers!—”Lloyd Dobler! That’s who you are!”
[insert long but polite pause]
I press on, thinking the volume level in the room is to blame, not my geezerly pop-culture reference.
“LLOYD DOBLER! YOU KNOW!”
[more smiling, some nodding—not too confused, as the guy's polite AND a good actor]
I feel my smile faltering and my entire bottom row of teeth crumbles to dust. Winged GenX tooth fairies zip in and fit me with dentures. “LLOYD DOBLER! YOU KNOW! JOHN CUSACK? SAY ANYTHING?”
Lightbulb! Dusty, faint, low-wattage! But I will take it! “Oh, yeah,” says M. “Right. The guy with the—” He gestures as if holding a boombox over his head, which is EXACTLY WHAT I WANT HIM TO DO.
“YES!” I scream as if I’ve just won my round of GenX Bingo at the rest home. “THAT’S RIGHT!”
I am talking very loudly and very precisely to make sure I am un-der-stood. “LLOYD DOB-LER! YOU’RE THE KEY-MAS-TER! GET IT? DE-SIG-NAY-TED DRI-VER? THE KEY-MAS-TER?”
M. smiles and nods. He is a kind soul. Meanwhile, David pops another cheese cube into his mouth. “Keymaster! The Keymaster. I love Rick Moranis! Rick Moranis! Love him!”
M. looks really eager to head off on his night of carting drunk puking undergraduates around town, suddenly. M. nods again. “Sure. Rick Moranis, right. Was he—”
David is chowing down cheese cubes like there’s no tomorrow, and at the rate we are aging, there may not be. “Absolutely! THE KEYMASTER! Ghostbusters! Who you gonna call?”
“RICK MORANIS?” I yell. “WHAT?” Now we are having a GenX Shared Senility Moment.
“GHOSTBUSTERS!” yells David. We have become completely hard of hearing within the span of three humiliating minutes. We have entered a Cheese Cube Time Warp that sent us hurtling into pop culture dementia. “THE KEYMASTER!”
“NO! LLOYD DOBLER! JOHN CUSACK! HE’S THE KEYMASTER!”
“RICK MORANIS! SIGOURNEY WEAVER! THE KEYMASTER! GHOSTB—”
“RIGHT! BUT! LLOYD DOBLER!”
M. inches away from us, grinning and nodding. He really is a dear chap. He will read this. Hi, M.! You are graceful in the presence of doddering old GenX farts! Bless you, my son! May you live long and prosper and steer clear of the Miami Vice look that D. and B. were sporting!
On the way home, snarfing down a hubcap-sized platter of fruit we stole from the underfed students, I say, “Dear Lord. That’s how old we are. There it is. Right in our faces. Say Anything and Ghostbusters. Terrific. Way to blend in.”
David squints, trying to fight off the onset of a migraine, because OLD PROFESSORS AND THEIR WIVES ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE MIGRAINES. I have made him drive, because I DON’T LIKE TO DRIVE AT NIGHT and I AM AFRAID OF DRIVING ON HIGHWAYS. I reach down to adjust my support hose, then realize I’ve forgotten to wear support hose. But my contacts have shriveled up on my DRIED-OUT EYEBALLS, so I pry them off of my corneas and flick them onto the grapes.
David says, “Man, I mean, come on! Say Anything was like, what? 1981?”
I punch his arm. “Are you nuts? Say Anything came out after Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters was like, totally 1984! Say Anything was 1987 or so. You are SO more out of touch than I am. By like, three years, at least. And RICK MORANIS? RICK MORANIS?”
“Rick Moranis is a genius.”
“John Cusack is more classic than Rick Moranis.”
“No.”
“Yes.” I eat a strawberry and possibly one of my dried-up contacts. “The problem here is that neither one has stood the test of time. More classic is not classic enough. Face it. We are totally over the hill. Done. They laughed because you took your pants off in that wacky professor bit on the video. They apologized to us for slipping out of PG-13 mode. They actually apologized TO. US.”
“We told them you rented Shortbus.”
“Still,” I say. “It was like a one-way mirror. It’s very strange.”
“Mirror.”
“Like the Law and Order police mirrors. We can see them—and us in them—but I don’t think they can see themselves in us. You know what I’m saying?”
“Mm.”
“Maybe the police mirror is a bad metaphor. But I’m aged. I’m entitled to bad metaphors. It’s just…we were them. We still are. Just chubbier and with much less leisure time.”
“Mm.”
I sigh. “They’re all so beautiful. Even if they puke tonight they’ll still be beautiful doing it. Were we that beautiful? Sometimes? Are we now? Does anyone see it but us?”
“You’re ageless. I swear.”
“Here. Pull over and mush up these blueberries and feed them to me lovingly. Then we can hold hands and expire simultaneously in the backseat.”
He keeps driving. Presumably because HE CAN NOT HEAR ME.
Lloyd Dobler, you will not be forgotten. You either, Lili Taylor.
LLOYD 4EVER
JOE LIES
AND THEN
JOE CRIES
{ 5 trackbacks }
{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
At the hair salon the other day the stylist beside me was horrified that his young client had NEVER heard of Fraggle Rock.
I must be very old too – I’ve understood every reference here. Say Anything rocks.
FYI, I know High Fidelity was a novel first (but thanks for clarifying that). What I meant was (and should have specified) is that John Cusack wrote the screenplay for the movie of High Fidelity. Which I think just proves how super cool he is!
I was almost 23 when my 10 year old cousin was born. Ten years ago.
Now I am one of those ages that makes kids eyes get really big when I say it.
How old are you?
32.
And you aren’t dead yet?
Crossed that line that makes college kids ‘kids’ to me, and me ‘Ma’am’ to them.
I really liked “we can see ourselves in them but they can’t see themselves in us/ one way mirror”.
Love John Cusack!
I had a Grosse Pointe Blank moment last year driving through an old hometown. Remember when he visits his childhood home?
Happy, Happy Mother’s Day Jenn!
I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day and that you were able to spend it with your husband and girls.
Long time lurker, delurking to say…
I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ Sip on a Saturday night, completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?
By choice, man. Yeah. Conscious choice!
here, take this pen.
and here’s to nothing ever processed or sold.
Hey-
Most days when I stop here I feel like I’m peering into the girls’ locker room (not that I have any experience with that…) But I doubt there are any girls here who have thoughts about Rick Moranis that they wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with the world.
So I feel ok posting about this one.
I’m concerned that when I saw “keymaster” I too thought of Ghostbusters and not Say Anything. After unsuccessfully pursuing a career as a kickboxer you’d think my brain would be operating on Lloyd Dobler frequency 24/7. Anyway, I guess this is my wake up call.
V. funny stuff, Jenn. I’ll be back when you write your Desperately Seeking Susan post.
M.
P.S.
That guy who played Ione Skye’s embezzling Pa is named John Mahoney.
Jen–imdb confirms–you nailed it. Lloyd and Diane, 1989. Dana and Dr. Venkman, 1984.
And who but a man….no, a CANADIAN man, could blaspheme so? Clearly, Moranis is a funny guy, but Cusack was the original McDreamy. I hope your marraige can withstand such lurid talk.
Hey! Wait! I was born at the extreme tail end of 79….my husband graduated HS in 1986….but we share a love for John Cusak that knoweth no bounds. High Fidelity is probably “our” movie.
Brilliant. Lloyd Lloyd is not null and void.
mp: “The 80’s – man, that was MY decade. Proud ‘88 graduate. Newsflash to all the current youngin’s – McDreamy? Total DORK in 80’s movies. (now, who can name that movie??) ”
I can name that movie (and I’m a very old 82 grad) – Can’t Buy Me Love!
Christ, that was funny. And I related to it WAY too much.
Laughed out loud at work and shot coffee across my cube via my nostril…. totally tubular.
I graduated in ’88 and have seen “Say Anything” at least 80 million times. Slightly less than Breakfast Club, slightly more than Space Camp – but you dig what I’m saying.
You’re a GUY? A GUY, Lloyd?
The world is full of guys… be a man.
OK, I’m pretty late to this party but thought Id’ throw in my $.02 Even though I think “SayAnything is only half of a great movie (the whole subplot about Ione Skye’s dad blows), my favorite quote seesm to sum your experience:
“I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.”
← Previous Comments