Let her go

I have to let her go.

It hit hard today with three words: “Let her go.”

Me, as I’ve known her until now. I have to let her go. I have to say goodbye. There’s no way to live, there’s no way to keep going as that woman, as fond as I am of her.

What stays will stay. What doesn’t, won’t.

I am ready to lie down in the thick snow and fall asleep, let it be over. I can tell you I know that’s not the way it should end. So she’s got to go. She’s got to go, find a different path, and I’ll find a different path too.

I may move.

I may keep this, Breed ‘Em and Weep, as archives, and start a new blog, a new form of media.

I need to travel more.

I may return to the expressive arts while I work part-time as a freelance writer, or as the world’s most cheerful dominatrix for the blind. Haven’t decided yet.

There’s a lot to be figured out.

But she must go. I must let her go. I must let her go, I must say goodbye to all she’s holding onto, to all she thinks she can’t live without. She needs to know she’s already been living without.

There may be new friends waiting. There may be a new home, farther from here, in a new community that will welcome me and the girls as we are. We’ll figure it out with D. We always do.

But it can’t go on like this. No. It’s time for her to go. I love her very much, but it’s her or me. And she’s got to be the one to go.