When my dear Ali at Cleaner Plate Club told me four people had asked her worriedly if my mother had died, I decided it was time to be more specific and more courageous here.
My mom, thank God, is fine, plucky as ever. I give you The Mater. The proof is in the blogging.
No, this loss is something different than a death. It’s harder in some ways, as it is an ongoing one requiring much bravery, and the willingness to accept change, but certainly preferable to a death, for the most obvious of reasons.
My husband and I are going our separate ways. Compassion, kindness and support are very much needed by us—all four of us—at this time. If your children happen to know our children, perhaps hold off on mentioning this to them, until ours mention it on their own. It will take our girls some time for them to feel comfortable with the ‘D’ word.
I am absolutely humbled by this as it unfolds. This is not where I thought I would be at 37, not at all. Who wishes for this? This is The Sort of Thing That Happens to Other People. Funny, no? How we each have that list in mind, how we cling to that list, our sweaty, smeared, perma-clutched “no way would I ever let that happen to me” points.
And yet there are lessons underway: I am realizing how little I actually know, and how much I have to learn. I realize that no one, no one at all, can possibly guess at the life of another—there is simply too much, particularly in a shared life, for outside guesswork to even come close to identifying the truth of a relationship. No one is right, exactly. No one is wrong, exactly. There are simply needs, and when they go unmet, there is profound unhappiness, and no room for judgment. Now there’s just the challenge of making things right—at least, as right as they can be after such a decision has been made.
I ask please for kindness and restraint in your comments. I may not say very much at all. But it feels wrong to say nothing to you kind souls of what is such an enormous shift in our life here. Terra firma has given way to precarious terrain. This is a painful, scary time requiring especially delicate navigation for the beautiful four- and six-year-old forever-Valentines we have given to each other. Thank God for our forever-Valentines, as beautiful and heart-stopping as Valentines can be.
If only there were a roadmap here. My first lesson has been learning that courage is, indeed, not the absence of fear, but rather the ungainly tromping through that fear, shaking and quaking all the while, smacking at mosquitos and wondering what the hell kind of swamp you’ve gotten your fool self into. My compass tells me I’m headed the right way, but damn, there are days you can’t help but wish your inner compass were less reliable.
Love to you all. Thank you for your good wishes for all of us.
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Good luck and good thoughts to you. I think that the thing to focus on with the kids is that they still have two kind and loving parents to support and take care of them, and that is a wonderful thing. From what I have read on here you have amazing little girls and they will get through this just fine.
I shed tears for you and your family. May you find strength in your time of loss
My heart stopped too. You amaze me; that you can be so eloquent in a time of such pain. I am sorry that you all have to experience this.
Sending you and you family good thoughts and lots of love. You will get through this. And someday you will look back and discover how strong you became because of it.
Brave? Really? How does abandoning one’s marriage, forsaking their own children make one brave?
I suppose your loyal readers think people who have abortions are brave, too. It’s no wonder our society is going down the crapper.
Might I suggest that instead fo treating your marriage like an “at will” contract, you stick out that “or worse” part?
Unconditional love is a decision and not a feeling. Swapping warm bodies isn’t going to do anything but throw your children’s lives into chaos.
Grow up and face this/
I hope Jen blocks you, Pity Party Pooper.
I’m so sorry for the Trolling. I’m sure you recognize the fallacy in their words, but it still stings and I hate that you even had to hear it.
All my love and support, Jen. I’m the Hattie-Belle in my family of 2 girls with divorced parents, and all of us came through brilliantly. With your obvious intelligence, grace, and love for your children, I have no doubt you will all triumph. I wish I had a magic wand and could poof all your pain away in the meantime though. Hugs.
Trolling? Seriously? Does one have to agree with the author’s take on abandoning marriage (with two small children, at that!) in order not to be rendered a troll?
Maybe it SHOULD sting.
And maybe, just maybe, Jenn should think a little harder about this. There are more lives at stake here than just her own.
I feel sorry for those two girls. Someone should speak up for their interests. And it obviously isn’t going to be any of you.
Eh, ignore the haters. No one else knows what you are going through.
I’m so sorry about this change in your life. You have my support and wishes for brighter days ahead.
I’m so sorry, Jenn. Thinking of you and your family.
Ah, Pity Party Pooper, my goodness. I’ve been waiting for you.
How brave of you to speak up so wisely and compassionately, under an alias, and with a non-functional email, no less.
It’s like you have a crystal ball! Just now I was performing abortions with a dirty paring knife on my kitchen table while seventeen warm disease-ridden men and women (society! what a bitch, man) waited with sundry sex toys in the next room for me, passing around a crack pipe. Fortunately, all seventeen are terrific babysitters. What luck! You should HEAR the girls giggle when the crack pimps dangle them out the second-floor window. Can’t check out entertainment like that at any public library in America, let me tell you!
I debated whether to respond to you here, Pity. I imagine you were hoping I would, so welcome. Come, sit, have a cuppa. I am filled with enormous sadness for you. I cannot help but wonder who you are, and what your proudest moments—and most difficult moments—have been. I imagine you and I are not so different as you would like to think. Maybe you define yourself and your life in very different terms than I do mine, but it seems likely you and I are both bleeding right now.
I am sorry, genuinely so, that your aggression (and your choice to remain anonymous and unreachable) make honest, compassionate give-and-take discourse with you impossible. Take care. May there be kindness in your life when you very most need it.
as a proud member of that ongoing crack party in the next room — oh god – if this hater actually knew you – but i guess your ability to throw kindness in the face of such an evil person defines you perfectly– and this is why you and your family will be fine. i know you both will do what most don’t and walk your girls through this with love and respect.
i am so sorry this is the way things have gone, but i have no doubt you and dave will turn this loss into a gain for you children. someway -somehow. – sending so much love to you jeni cat- you know i’m here
Jenn, I wish you peace.
Be strong.
Compassion coming your way from another stranger’s part of the world. I’m glad you responded to Pooper — your resilience shines through. It will carry you and the girls through this transition.
Prayers and hugs sent your way right now. My parents separated when I was 9 (they did ultimately get back together), so I see it from the girls’ perspective. Reassure them. Love them. Hold them. They will need it.
And you will, too.
I was surprised you blocked my previous post, but having read your response to Pity Party Pooper I can guess why. Please know that my words were heart felt and not meant to point a finger at anyone. As I said I’ve been through this so I have some experience in this area. Obviously I have no idea of your particular situation and wish you and your family only the best. No need to post this comment, just wanted to explain my post.
I’ve enjoyed your blog since the beginning.
Hugs and a heartful of warm thoughts for all of you. Your response to negativity, both here and in the “real” world fills me with confidence that you have the grace and the strength to face this troubled time with all the courage you so humbly seek.
Hey, Poop? I myself am a child from a broken marriage. Please, please believe me when I say that Meghan (#34) or, er, Dr. Phil – is right. Sometimes it IS better to be from a broken home than to live in one. I don’t know what to tell you besides that: sometimes the worst scars come when the parents stay together.
For whatever it’s worth, this child from a broken home is now 10 years married, never had an abortion, and is grateful every day for each and every member of my family. It wasn’t the start of a cycle, Poop. It was, instead, the only thing that allowed our family — we kids included — to breathe again.
Compassion, poop. You want to keep society from going down the crapper? Compassion is a good start.
Jenn-
I’m here…
I didn’t think I could feel like I’d been punched in the stomach from a blog of someone I don’t know personally. But I hurt for you and, at the same time, feel hopeful for your family. You are truly amazing.
There’s always Iceland, right? You are so strong and compassionate, Jenn! Hang on – you will get through this and so will your girls.
Ouch. Ditto on the heart stopping and punched in the stomach and checked The Mater’s blog.
But from someone who’s been there as a kid–they will be fine. I believe that sometimes it’s better that way, although I know it must seem impossible to believe that right now. Your girls have two parents who love them and a grandma nearby who obviously ADORES them, and that will make it ok. Not easy, but ok.
And more cheers for your very grown-up, wise response to the Pooper. I realize people have the right to comment, but I just don’t get it sometimes.
Please keep writing, and you know you have thise whole huge community of support–you and the girls…
Oh, my brother and I were those children. I know it hurt because I remember other things (a sad painting, a burned-out store on the block) but I can’t remember it. Still, we are both glad Mom and Dad didn’t stay together for our sakes. What nightmare that would have been.
I wish you strength and peace.
I am in the midst of this very thing, well, seven months in I guess. Let me know if you need a sympathetic ear or a tiny bit of experience…especially regarding the kids. It’s a long journey, I feel like we are just barely starting.
I, too, have recently found myself in the midst of one of those things that happen to other people. Not the same thing, not the same loss. Not a club anybody wants to join. Knowing that so many other people somehow survive it and keep making beautiful lives seems to help, I think.
Blessings to all of you.
I’ve been there, and I know it’s not easy. But your girls will be fine, I know mine is. It took a while to get used to the thought, for all of us, but everything worked out for the best. Good thoughts to you all.
terribly sorry to hear this. Hugs to you and the girls.
[I don't comment often; have always loved your writing.]
It’s hard to know what to say, but I’m just very sorry for you all. Wishing you strength and – happiness.
Jenn,
What is it about words; no matter how well we can string them together, that sometimes they just aren’t enough?
I’ll light a candle for all of you today and hope that it offers some warmth and light.
Take care, sweet girl.
Pooper, I am not as nice as Jenn, so I’ll just say that when I read your post, I somehow had two thoughts simultaneously: “Wow, it must be really nice to be perfect” and “I wonder if this person has considered having that red-hot poker removed.”
And you gave a fake email? Fancy that.
I am so sorry–I knew it was divorce from the way you wrote about it, and the fact that David’s been missing from your writing for awhile. And from hearing that news from my parents as an adult. I know both of you will do the right things to help your girls through this, and all of you are in my thoughts.
I’m really really sorry. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful babies. The cloud and the disbelief that this is your life. Goodness knows it’s really hard when we end up where we didn’t think we would. It’s a hard blow and none of us are immune to it.
And I personally apologize for all of the people in the blogging world who think it’s their right to preach to you right now. I read your blog because I enjoy your writing and sense of humor. It’s one thing to disagree with someone, it’s another to feel it’s your right to express it. If I could I’d bring over a very large bottle of expensive red wine and another cheap bottle for when we finished the first. Stay strong and I hope you find comfort in those around you.
Jenn,
I’m very sorry to hear about this.
Oh Jenn, I was afraid of this when I read yesterday of the Before and After. I’m so sorry you’re all going through this. I hope that the fear isn’t too cloying and paralyzing, the stress isn’t too daunting to overcome, and the end result of it is a much happier set of parents for the girls. I wish you ALL the best.
No advice, just this…
we are here when you need us with open arms, and open ears.
Big mama bear hugs.
No one should judge until they have walked a mile in the other persons shoes.
We are here for the whole family during this difficult time, xxooo’s
Jenn, I wish you all peace and strength as you deal with this.
PityPartyPooper – Why do you rush to assume there is blame to be laid, and that it should be laid at Jenn’s feet? And why would you assume this is a hasty, careless decision? This is no doubt a complex situation and, in complexity, making assumptions and laying blame makes things worse, not better.
You also assumed that all the previous commenters were saying ‘poor Jenn’ when a kinder reading would see ‘what a sad situation’.
The reason society is going to hell is that everyone is quick to judge and condemn and slow to offer kindness. What part are you playing in that, Pity Party Pooper?
I am going through a divorce as well, welcome to the land of suck. But I wanted to offer you the best wishes possible for you and your children. Hang in there, it’s a hellava ride.
Oh, Jenn I’m so sorry. Thanks for sharing this story with everyone–there is so much love and support for you and all parents that make this decision, knowing that yes! It IS better to be from a ‘broken home’ than in one. This is coming from someone whose parents stayed together years longer than they ought to have.
Delurking to add my sympathies, Jenn. I’ve been a reader for a long time and this really hit close to home for me. This part in particluar:
“No one is wrong, exactly. There are simply needs, and when they go unmet, there is profound unhappiness, and no room for judgment. ”
It’s those unmet needs…and they shouldn’t be so hard, but they really are impossible at times.
Wishing you all the very best during this horribly difficult time. Hang in there.
I pity the fool that is the PityPartyPooper.
And I send you more hugs & hopeful thoughts.
Hang in there!
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Hang in there. You’re very brave. Sending lots of goodwill flowing your family’s way.
I am pregnant with my first, have read you for years, and sincerely hope to be as bright, talented, loving, expressive, and real a mom as you, Jenn.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Fear not for your girls–together you’ve already made them plenty strong. They come from great stock.
Write through this; even when its not for all of us.
So many of us look up to you.
Sending you good energy, and moments, flickers, of escapism.
xxoo
I happened to peak in. I’m going through the exact same thing. It is a very painful time. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Be strong. My thoughts are with you.
Wow, the writing in these last two posts is so poignant and eloquent. Your response to that pisser, I mean party pooper, more than gracious. Yes, may there be kindness and compassion in that person’s life when s/he most needs it.
Jenn, I am very sorry for your loss, for your family’s loss. I wish I had more to offer than that. You, David, and your amazing girls will move through this and learn to live, celebrate and be in all kinds of new and wonderful ways. Being honest about the loss and pain makes the joy all the richer. Your girls are learning that — that happiness is possible in the midst of the sadness. Sending much peace, hope and strength your way…
Take good, good care of yourself.
(Always here cybernetically, but if you need a real-life friend, let me know. Always very happy to brew tea/make up the fold-out-couch/babysit those little darlings of yours. Just say the word.)
XOXOXOXO
So, so sorry. Warm thoughts for you all.
Jen – thinking of you and praying for you and your family during this difficult time.
Jenn, i’m truly sorry. I know what a tough decision it is. For me the doubts ebb and flow. Having been separated since september i feel myself slowly re-emerging. New, different and happy, other times sad and lonely. All of it has helped me understand myself and my children better. How we fit into this world in our new family unit.
Writing through it has been difficult at times, but also hugely rewarding through the support and, even, the disapproval. All of it a lesson.
All my best,
Jess
I am so, so sorry to hear this news. I wish you all as smooth of transitions as possible into your new future–now and further ahead.
so so sorry. that’s such a hard “death” for everyone involved. my parents divorce when i was 8.
my warmest thoughts to you and yours. i hope that in the grand scheme of things it makes life happier for all of you.
party pooper- people like you just suck. we’ve all known someone like you and maybe you don’t know it, but, yes, your friends and family do avoid calls, “forget” to invite you to gatherings and groan with a heavy heart every time you walk into a conversation giving your speeches from atop that high horse of yours.
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