When my dear Ali at Cleaner Plate Club told me four people had asked her worriedly if my mother had died, I decided it was time to be more specific and more courageous here.
My mom, thank God, is fine, plucky as ever. I give you The Mater. The proof is in the blogging.
No, this loss is something different than a death. It’s harder in some ways, as it is an ongoing one requiring much bravery, and the willingness to accept change, but certainly preferable to a death, for the most obvious of reasons.
My husband and I are going our separate ways. Compassion, kindness and support are very much needed by us—all four of us—at this time. If your children happen to know our children, perhaps hold off on mentioning this to them, until ours mention it on their own. It will take our girls some time for them to feel comfortable with the ‘D’ word.
I am absolutely humbled by this as it unfolds. This is not where I thought I would be at 37, not at all. Who wishes for this? This is The Sort of Thing That Happens to Other People. Funny, no? How we each have that list in mind, how we cling to that list, our sweaty, smeared, perma-clutched “no way would I ever let that happen to me” points.
And yet there are lessons underway: I am realizing how little I actually know, and how much I have to learn. I realize that no one, no one at all, can possibly guess at the life of another—there is simply too much, particularly in a shared life, for outside guesswork to even come close to identifying the truth of a relationship. No one is right, exactly. No one is wrong, exactly. There are simply needs, and when they go unmet, there is profound unhappiness, and no room for judgment. Now there’s just the challenge of making things right—at least, as right as they can be after such a decision has been made.
I ask please for kindness and restraint in your comments. I may not say very much at all. But it feels wrong to say nothing to you kind souls of what is such an enormous shift in our life here. Terra firma has given way to precarious terrain. This is a painful, scary time requiring especially delicate navigation for the beautiful four- and six-year-old forever-Valentines we have given to each other. Thank God for our forever-Valentines, as beautiful and heart-stopping as Valentines can be.
If only there were a roadmap here. My first lesson has been learning that courage is, indeed, not the absence of fear, but rather the ungainly tromping through that fear, shaking and quaking all the while, smacking at mosquitos and wondering what the hell kind of swamp you’ve gotten your fool self into. My compass tells me I’m headed the right way, but damn, there are days you can’t help but wish your inner compass were less reliable.
Love to you all. Thank you for your good wishes for all of us.
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Gah. Some commenting people are such assholes! And with the Crazy! We are SO not inviting “Party Pooper” to the holiday pot luck.
Jenn – you know you’ll get through this and your girls will get through this, yes? And it’s gonna suck. And then it will suck less. And eventually you will all get to a place where things feel okay again.
I hope you get there soon, and are gentle with yourself along the way. And keep an eye out for warm cookies.
xxoo
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Oh, dear, there are no words to even express how I feel, not that it’s all about me. I’m so sorry. Hang in there. /Fifi
I’m so sorry to hear this, because I know how hard the next little while will be for all of you. My sister went through this 3 years ago, and it came out of left field for the rest of us who loved them, and left me humbled by what I didn’t know.
Be well, and be kind to yourself.
Love and hot water bottles to you, Jenn.
So sorry for your loss. Been reading a year or so without commenting but hope this little bit of support will be some consolation in this very trying time. I’m sure that the writer of this blog does not lightly enter into such a difficult path. I wish you well and as short a path as possible to better days as the new shape of your family reveals itself.
Some days I feel about parting ways, like I did about adoption…. something I didn’t have the courage to go through with.
You have boocoo courage, as evidenced here. And backup, ditto. I don’t want to use the f-word, as in “you’ll do f…e, ” but my bet would be on a better life for you all a year from now. It’s just that damned year.
Did you get my note & small branch, by hand? Email kept bouncing.
So sorry, sending you the waterproof wellies to wade through the swamp.
Like previous readers, I, too, realize I don’t actually know you, but I’ve read your blog for about a year now and just cried a little for the general sadness of the Big D. But, I, too, think that all four of you will get through this with compassion and come out strong. You might like the book Hens Dancing by Raffaella Barker–it’s a very funny look at a family post Big D.
Pooper: One of my pet peeves is people who judge divorce and children of people who divorce. Once a good friend of mine who I admire very much said that she didn’t date guys whose parents divorced because they couldn’t be trusted to understand the value of marriage. This is ridiculous. My Dad was one of those guys and he is a great husband and father. People’s paths are just different. Sane people do not get a divorce or an abortion without tons of trying, thinking, and hand wringing. Get off your high horse and shed any antiquated religious brainwashing you’ve been subjected to.
I’m so sorry. If you decide to talk or not talk about it, just know that we will all — well, almost all — be here to support you.
Oh man. I’m so deeply sorry.
Be strong, all of you.
The death of expectations is such a real and raw thing. And when others use their nasty, ignorant mindset to rub your nose in it and swat you with their virtual newspaper…obscene.
You have such thoughtfulness and compassion, and you know your children so well. Just keep being your babies’ loving mama. The rest will come. Prayers for you four, and the others who love you.
I’m so sorry.
I just divorced last year and as awful as it was, it was right. I am happier. Surprisingly (or not), my kids are a lot happier.
I wish you and your family the very best.
I was just 11 when my parents separated. It was intolerable living with their unhappiness and a godsend when they decided to separate. I wished they had done it much sooner – painful though it was at the start. Everyone is an individual, but Jenn I am sure having a happier mum and dad apart is much better for your girls growth than having unhappy parents living together!
Hugs to you all xx
Recently, I have watched several friends separate and divorce. It seems that sometimes in order to stay a family, you must first break apart. And without knowing all the details, I can’t comment more than that but to ask you to please remember that separating is not something you are doing TO your children but FOR your children. And seeing how you responded to pity party crasher, it seems you will have what it takes to go through this with sensitivity and grace. Thanks for sharing yourself this way with us – even if it means being subjected to cruel words from cowardly comment makers.
Hi Jenn….
having gone through this, i echo the wrenching pain of having to tell your girls this huge thing they won’t possibly understand and may blame themselves for.
i hear such deep love from you and only good can come from this. i honestly agree with Meghan, it was well said despite the character of the quoted celebs…..;)
it can be done in a respectful, loving way with least damage to all involved. i know you will find this way.
so much love and light to you and your family during this time. i am here……
Oh Jenn, I am so so very sorry. Wishing all four of you all the best,
You will make it through this… You WILL. And down the road I am sure you will be happier for it. Life is short and you must do what will make you happy. Your children will survive and thrive with happy parents.
Sorry for all the cliques but I truly believe we should do what is best for ourselves. Move on when necessary.
All the best to you and yours. Will be sending all my best wishes.
Jenn, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Like so many of your readers, I know you, but don’t know you, but I want you to know that if there is anything you need, I am here. I admire your courage, eloquence and strength.
Aw, Jenn. That sucks. I’m so sorry. Hugs to you and yours.
So, so sorry. Wishing you and your family peace as you make this difficult move. Thinking of you.
I knew this is what you spoke of in your previous post. I’m just so sorry that your sweet valentines and you still had to experience that sorry Before and After moment.
May your life be filled with wonderful new things and lots of love.
Hugs my friend.
im so sorry.
warm thoughts and wishes coming your way.
Jenn: I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make everything better.
This, I know, is so difficult on so many levels. I went through a divorce when my daughter was 2 and a half. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and it was made more difficult by people on both sides of the issue. My in-laws claiming I was a quitter and home wrecker. My friends, seeing my misery, and wondering why I was taking so long to leave him. No one, no one is standing in your shoes at this moment. No one knows all the reasons or moments or tears, and so no one has a right to judge either way. But please know you do have the strength to get through it, and you do have a huge group of people here who care, including me.
I’m sending hugs and positive thoughts your way!
Jenn – delurking to deliver more hugs and positive thoughts and share my admiration of your courage.
Yes, courage to share your pain with this world. Your daughters are tremendously lucky to have you as their Mom. Oh boy, are they ever. Even on a day that you may consider a bad one…remember that. Please.
Sorry, one more thing.
With regard to post #60:
BRA-F*CKING-O!!!!!!!
(sayeth this ‘child of divorce’ who knew, even at 8, that it was the best decision my parents ever made)
Sending you strength. Difficult time indeed but sometimes for the best all round. Be good to yourself.
God bless all four of you…
I’m the child of divorce and I don’t remember this announcement either, only the lesson that we all have a responsibility to ourselves and our children to make the best choices we can. Anything else would be weak. You are brave. My concern and compassion is here for you, too. Even though you don’t know some of us, I believe this to be a powerful force. Take care.
Jen,
I’m delurking to wish you and your girls love and strength during this time. Please do not be too hard on yourself. I don’t know the details of your situation but I truly believe that this life is precious and wonderful and SHORT. If you need to go and carve out another kind of happiness for yourself, DO IT! I think you are brave, because it is actually easier to stay in a relationship or situation and hope that it gets better or just numb yourself to it and pretty soon, 20 years have passed & you are filled with unbearable regret. Your girls will be OK. Believe me, they want a happy mama, not a sad regretfull one.
Good wishes lovely, lovely Jen.
I have been divorced for 11 years now, with 4 boys. My youngest was 11 months and my oldest was 5 when I made the decision to leave.
It’s a scary time for you, but remember that you’re the rock for your kids, and keep on putting one step in front of the next until you see your way clear. I can truly say that my divorce was the best thing possible, considering the family dynamic, and I’ve never been happier than I am right now. You can show your children how to be strong and how it’s possible to live through things like this, and end up thriving. (Two of my boys ended up being school captains of their primary school. Shows they’ve come out of it as beautiful and caring human beings.)
My boys and I are a very tight knit team, and they still see their Dad every fortnight. (He’s a loving dad, just a shocking husband!) We’re all happy and doing well. Hang onto that probability for your family. Life definitely has its challenges short term, but life ends up being pretty good.
you are beautiful and brave, and like gloria gaynor you will survive. i’m always here to lend an e-ear — i fucking mean that shit, yo — and whatever help i can offer, always. i have yet to understand how people stay together, and marvel that my marriage continues sometimes.
much love and strength to you xoxoxo
ouch. i am so so sorry. i’ve been there too. i’d send you a picture with a kitten dangling from a percariously placed telephone wire, meowing: “hang in there” but that would bad, right? or maybe it would make you smile? anyway, know that we’re out there thinking of you.
Oh sweetie. You know I love you and bupport you. You are brave.
here. for you. because you’re rad. and amazing. and awesome. even if you don’t necessarily feel like it right now.
Hug.
I just found you through BlogHer.
I’m divorced too. And now married to a man who is divorced with children. We actually have a pretty happy family — across both houses — including his kids’ mom.
Things can be okay. Things can be good.
This is my first time visiting your blog but I wanted to give you a hug or something. I can’t imagine how difficult things are right now.
I was in exactly the same position as you, twenty years ago. I have two daughters who were about the age of yours when their father and I separated, then divorced. It is not going to be easy, but you are lucky in that you have the support of many who read your blog. There is no getting around it, divorce is lonely and friends are what get you to the other side. If I can be of any help, please let me know. Sometimes someone who has traveled the road before you, can share some wisdom and support. I have a special place in my heart for single moms, a term you will come to detest, but it will make you stronger beyond your dreams. My thoughts are with you.
You can have a new normal… There absolutely has to be an end to have a new begining. Lean into God. His hands are capable of holding you and your girls up as you walk through this valley. His light shines best in the darkness
Rebecca
my brain is bubbling over with things i’d like to say, but the overall message is this:
i’m sorry. the girls will understand. you will be fine. i’m thinking good thoughts at you.
my parents are divorced and i think it was the best thing they ever did for me and my sister…
First time visitor. I hope you handle it with your girls with the grace your handling it with your blog peeps.
Good luck in this tough time, from one Jenn to another.
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