Kitchen porn, served hot and mighty fresh (like don’t bump into it or you’ll get it all over your pants)

I know many of you are home improvement voyeurs, as I am. This one goes out to my fellow twisted paint-chip droolers and paintbrush fondlers.

It’s nice to know we’re not alone in our perversions. Voila:

Backstory: Some of you might recall that over a year ago, I horrified my family by having a very sudden home improvement seizure in the kitchen. I literally came home one day, looked at the knotty pine cabinets and beadboard (with the wretched iron hardware that looked drilled on by a drunken blacksmith), and imploded in an acute internal primal scream. Which then triggered my yanking off random pieces of unbearable peachy floral wallpaper and slapping $150 worth of BIN primer on the 1950s on every surface I could reach.

Then I sort of remembered that I had, you know, kids, and a job, and a sick dog, and no disposable income, and all that other stuff that adds up to be the Good Reason that most people in my situation wisely, wisely leave their kitchens alone.

And so the kitchen stayed much the same for a year, until the past two weekends, when David amazed me by upping the ante, AND TAKING OFF THE CUPBOARD DOORS before continuing the paint job (something about “doing the job right,” which is not a language I am fluent in).

I did not come from a family that “did jobs right,” which is why I once found my younger brother, then 11, weeping in frustration on the bathroom floor as he tried desperately to reattach the always-busted ceramic toilet paper holder fixture back to its hole in the wall with Elmer’s Glue from his pencil case. Elsewhere in our home, my father read the paper and my mother gabbed with her mother on the phone. Possibly one of the most heartbreaking sights I have ever witnessed.

(My now-grown brother’s home is lovely, BTW.)

So enjoy the work in progress, you pervie kitchen peepers, you. (Leigh: Yup, we are going to leave those top cabinets open shelving, to add V2: Voyeuristic Value.)

Ooh, yeah, you know you like it like that. Oh, yeah. You know you like to watch. Yeah! Whip me with that Whipple Blue! Flog me with that Weston Flax!