Jumpy Jenny’s Household Helper Tips!

Delightful Readers, I was floored by your thoughtful feedback on the topic of Gray: Yea or Nay?

I finished coloring my stubborn keratin, and now my scalp is itchy (the 24-hour allergy strand test is for WUSSES) and slightly orange. No matter! I am woman, and today, we, the Thoughtful but Slumming, are all going to tackle Household Tips!

You, there, in Peoria, looking over your shoulder, wondering if something is wrong with your computer cable connection, hello! Ahoy, there, in Orange County, where you just choked a little on your lukewarm coffee!

Yes, it is still Breed ‘Em and Weep. Aye. YOU are Breed ‘Em and Weepers.

I’ve noticed since 2005 when Breed ‘Em and Weep was born that many of you, like me, fancy yourselves the sort of folks that Martha Stewart might ‘forget’ to invite to a neighborly soiree. Many of you have unwittingly answered doors with lactating breasts untucked, to the delight or dismay of the FedEx man. Others have grown accustomed to drafty windows, leaky plumbing, smart-mouthed children, buttocks that fold over and rest on the back of your thighs, the always-in-style combo of adult acne and wrinkles, and bills that will not be paid, because there is nothing to pay them with, save perhaps an impromptu lap dance at the local office of O’Connell Oil. Most of you, at some point in time, have sung loudly at the top of your lungs to a Britney Spears song, then sobbed on the steering wheel as if Justin Timberlake had just broken your heart. We choose sloppy pets over sanity, we do not change our sheets weekly, we fish rawhide chewie toys out of our crawling baby’s mouth.

We, the Thoughtful but Slumming, are now going to swap Household Helper Tips. Yes, we are. Before you say you don’t have any, think again: I am certain there is SOMETHING you have figured out, but haven’t necessarily told anyone about, that makes life a little easier. Oh, yes, you have. There are ways to save money, to keep the kids happy for longer, to give ourselves that It’s a shithole spa but at least it’s a spa feeling in our bathrooms.

I will start you off. Behold! Voici! Read! Then add your own tips, tips you’ve come up with in those desperate, Oh, Christ, I live in ‘Hee-Haw’ moments. For that, my friends, is when we shine. It is our destiny.

Jumpy Jenny’s Household Helper Tips

1. Got foam? Didn’t think so. It’s crummy when you love the taste of cappuccino, but can’t afford a cappuccino machine in your stained, slovenly, mouse-infested 1960s kitchen. But there’s an answer! Set your regular coffee machine to ROCKIN’! While it’s doing its thing, take your favorite mug and pour some milk and sweetener into it. Swirl it with a spoon. Stick that mug into the microwave and zap it for 1:23 seconds. By the time your coffee’s ready, you’ve got froth! Pour the coffee into the mug slowly, then swirl again. The foam rises to the top, and though it ain’t a cappy or a latte, it’s still pretty freakin’ impressive for a Tuesday morning when the dog crapped himself in the kitchen. Clean THAT up after your crappy cappy! You deserve a break today.

2. Dog stankin’ up his dog bed again? Of course he is. If you don’t change your sheets soon, you’ll be stankin’ up your bed too! But let’s concentrate on him today. Dog beds in L.L. Bean, Lands’ End and Plow and Hearth regularly run from $100-200. Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis? You love that dog, but for $200, you could unstank your own bed with some new 400 ct Supima sheets from Ralph Lauren. What do you do?

Examine your own stanky bed. Remove the pillowcases. At least one of your pillows is older than God, and has crime-scene stains. Take that pillow. Seize the dog bed. Unzip the cover. Put the cover in the wash with a cup of Oxy-Clean, to neutralize odors.

Now rummage through the dog bed filling. Cedar chips can stay. Fluff can stay if 1) it doesn’t reek 2) isn’t obviously discolored by God-knows-what. Toss any suspicious bits. When the dog bed cover is clean and “fresh” from the dryer, stuff filling and the old pillow in the cover for old Fido. He will be in doggy heaven—or you will wish he were when he leaves a poo skid on his nice clean dog bed.

3. How about that? You’re being a good mom*** today, got the kids to the Y to swim after they kicked and screamed when you tried to handcuff them to the TV stand. (***Dads, not sure, anatomically or psychologically, how this one works for you.) Good going, Ma! Except, heavens to Hannah! One daughter needs to pee AGAIN! You whisk her to the bathroom, which was left at 18 degrees F to accommodate the recent visit of a Polar Bear Swim Club from one of the former Soviet Republics. Both of you are freezing and chattering. She’s really cold now AND she’s just remembered that she’s afraid of the flush. All these terrible competing needs and conflicting desires! What can be done?

Gametime! Prance your sloppy middle-aged ass over to the toilet and sit on it, bathing suit on. Push your bum back up against the tank. Now challenge your offspring to sit on your lap and try to PEE THROUGH YOUR THIGHS INTO THE YMCA POT. Works like a charm, and nobody has to pull their clammy bathing suit down and up again. Just yank your little one’s bathing suit crotch to the side, and let ‘er rip! And hope it’s only #1! Guaranteed to create giggles in the most dysfunctional family units. You’re making a memory you both will cherish forever, especially when she announces at her bat mitzvah years later: “My mom used to let me pee through her legs.” Mazel tov!