1) Get on an elevator with your still-not-ex-husband, the father of your children.
2) Watch as a mutual friend also boards the elevator.
3) Take turns with your ex, speaking to the mutual friend. Look pretty, creative, handsome, interesting. Say witty things. Do not make eye contact with your ex. He won’t make eye contact with you, either. Try not to be hurt. This, apparently, is life.
4) Listen as the mutual friend answers first your ex, and then you. Do not think, This energy could be channeled into figuring out WTF went wrong and sifting through the wreckage for survivors. Apparently, life is harsher than you realized. C’est la vie.
5) They are talking about fruit cups. And whipped cream. Get off the elevator. Turn right.
6) There is a large sign at the end of the hall. It says: PEOPLE YOU MAY KNOW. Below the header there is a large portrait of your ex-husband who is still not your ex-husband. He looks like the person he once told you he thought he would have become, if he hadn’t met you. Except he did meet you. And now he’s unmet you.
7) Take a deep breath. Yell to no one in particular, YES, THANK YOU, I DO BELIEVE I’VE MADE HIS ACQUAINTANCE, AND OH BY THE WAY HIS SPERM HAVE ALSO MET MY EGGS AND THEY ENJOYED THOSE POTLUCKS IMMENSELY AND THERE WERE LEFTOVERS.
Head down another hall, pulling your hair out. Ask the kid who kissed you in eighth grade to play Scrabble.
9) He ignores you, so throw a sheep at your kind Women’s Studies professor.
10) Turns out she’s up for Scrabble, and so is the sheep.
*****
Look, I like Facebook. I really do. I think it’s the playwright and voyeur in me. So much listening and watching. Old friendships renewed, new ones cemented in peculiar games and exchanges. I don’t mind it. I teased. I made fun. But I’ve seen much good come out of Facebook.
I just wasn’t ready for this, the tough stuff.
I live in a small town. And suddenly, Facebook is as small as that town, as the supermarket where I hope not to see people, because, yes, I still cry.
It’s nuts. Every time I log in, Facebook suggests my ex as a potential ‘friend.’ My throat clenches. I gnaw my lip. I look at the ceiling. I am fighting reality, but who doesn’t?
Then there’s all the mutual friends on Facebook, having a ball chatting with the ex-husband I still love who doesn’t love me back. Well, Jesus Zippy Christ. What kind of effed up world is this?
We kiss the same sweet cheeks and brush the same tangled hair, every other week. We pack the same lunches, do the same homework assignments. Effed up life.
This is a BULLSHIT world, when it comes to love. No, this is not a manic episode. This is just a night where the BULLSHIT of the world shot into my room and into my heart all over again, via Facebook.
Here’s what I wish for on Facebook: VILLAGE ELDERS. Wise people from our community to shake sense into us. To say and do online what they are too afraid to do in person:
David has just been bitch-slapped by Rabbi Jeff.
Jenn has just been bitch-slapped by Rabbi Rachel.
Joe has just written on David’s wall: “Dude, I love you like a brother and always will. You both made mistakes. She got really sick and she’s taking responsibility for it. Don’t forget she’s a good woman, a great mother. Call me and we can talk about BPD.”
Lisa has just written David a message: “There’s a way. Seriously, write me. And I make great chocolate mice.”
Mike has just written on Jenn’s wall: “Hey. It’s been too long. You were always a great sister-in-law. I know where D’s coming from, but where are you coming from? Let’s talk.”
Katie has just thrown a Vancouver ferry at David. “What if you all moved West???”
Steve K has just thrown a Large Metal Sculpture and a Marionette Made of Cotton Balls at Jenn.
Jenn posted a note called “THREE OF THE BEST SMALL MOMENTS WITH D”:
1) Brushing teeth in the morning outside the VW bus
2) Laughing over grading theatre papers and the ‘AIIIIIIIII’ of the Greek Chorus
3) Bathing the dogs in grapefruit juice and tomato juice at 1 am after a winter skunk attack
MIL threw a Menorah at Jenn’s head and posted a message on Jenn’s Wall: “DIL, I don’t understand, but I want to. Of course I’m protective, but I know you love each other and you were a great DIL once…so, okay, we’ll keep sending you the Oprah Magazine.”
SC commented on Jenn’s picture of a broken heart: “I thought you said you were over this???? WTF???”
Jenn SuperPoked all of her friends who think she should be over this.
*****
Where are the Village Elders? Greek Choruses? To teach us—on Facebook and in person—about grief and mistakes and grace and forgiveness and blessings and listening to what is real? To what is true? To what is authentic? Who is brave enough to go there?
Here, catch a sheep.
{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
Ooof. Well I can’t say much since I have no idea what went on but yes, Facebook works best for me when I hardly log onto it. Keep it around, it’s handy, but don’t do much with it and much won’t do anything like this to you.
PS. In case you don’t know already, I believe you can [X] those people they suggest you know out so you don’t keep seeing them.
I’ve been lurking here a long time, but finally had to comment. When you write, I feel like you are speaking for me. We live disturbingly parallel lives, and I’ve had these same tortured issues with Facebook and the end of my marriage, mutual friends, and what shouldn’t have been/could have been. Thank you, for giving voice to my words. And know that you’re not alone.
(My ex blocked me on Facebook. Which stings a little – but on the plus side, he no longer shows up in “people you may know.”
God. The process of divvying up mutual friends after a break-up (because they always want to take sides, why do they want to take sides, can’t they manage to hold on to both people?) was plenty hard enough before FB.
I can’t imagine. Or maybe I can, and I don’t like what I see.
I’m so sorry.
I would love to be an Elder in your Facebook village; I don’t think I keep a straight enough face for the Greek Chorus. Being a teacher of teenagers, I think I’m pretty good at the bluntness in the midst of drama.
Your bitch-slapping rabbi idea? Priceless.
blessings*
Most friends are staying mutual, and that’s lovely. The divided family is heartbreaking. I really just want some damn Village Elders (at this point, I’d take the Village People) for wisdom.
FWIW, you can click on the little “x” next to the Person You May Know, and it prevents them from showing up on your Facebook page. If it makes you feel any better, my college boyfriend is always at the top of my People You May Know page and it reminds me that we both went to the University of Delaware. Um, thanks, Facebook, I AM AWARE. Hang in there. You may need a brief Facebook vacation.
Brilliant1 Excellent! Sorry, I’m still kvelling about the fantastic round up — the up the down and the sideways that landed so neatly back at the place where we got on the ride. I am not an Elder, I’m just bitter. I love you prose. I have absolutely no advice. Except to keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing it. Like you have to. Knock ‘em dead.
… and I’d like to be able to spell. Just sayin’.
I wish for you that he is able to see things clearly and with a soft heart one day (sooner rather than later, of course). He must be someone wonderful for you to love him so, and I hope that you can find common ground.
MFing Facebook! I had a Facebook-related breakdown — I mean, “episode,” — a few weeks ago. Similarish stuff. Hence the new blog name and location. Ugh.
Anyway, darling, it will not always hurt so bad. You can’t see that from where you are, so I’m trying to reflect a little light in there for you. I hate that I have this casserole of “NO, really! It’s going to be okay!!!” But I can’t get it to you. I lack the words to give you hope, even though I know it is out here!!
Would a hope casserole have smashed potato chips on top?
I love the way you opened this post – it sucked me in, like FB does every day it seems.
I’ll be on the lookout for Elders; I’ll send them your way. Until then, I hope the days online and apart are easier on you.
YES, THANK YOU, I DO BELIEVE I’VE MADE HIS ACQUAINTANCE, AND OH BY THE WAY HIS SPERM HAVE ALSO MET MY EGGS AND THEY ENJOYED THOSE POTLUCKS IMMENSELY AND THERE WERE LEFTOVERS.
***
Best line ever!
Divorce is SO hard always. With children, there’s no closure except learning how to handle it gracefully. It’s such uncharted territory no matter how many people give you advice, having already been there.
I so wish we could propel you to the time in space where it doesn’t hurt so much and where he can find the soft spot that he once held for you and not be threatened by it.
For now, be kind to yourself. From what you share, you are doing a marvelous job keepin’ on keepin’ on.
What a wonderful post. You captured the Small Town of Facebook perfectly. I bet you could write and publish a whole novel in this format.
I’ve been on Facebook for a while and not understood a lot of it; this post has really opened it up for me. Brilliant job!
Look, I *am* an elder but I am awfully damn short on wisdom, mostly.
And I hate the ‘People You May Know’ bit; I haven’t got a clue, usually.
Brilliant.
Hate facebook. Hate.
Love you, though, and will be voting for village elders in next FB election.
Oh, honey. I adore you both and I wish I could make the hurt go away, on both sides.
(Also I am honored by the promotion! Someday, someday…
I agree with Mary, brilliant! So fascinating. My ex came up on the “people you may know” page until I hit the little gray “x” symbol – and then he didn’t show up there again. You can also block someone entirely from you, so you don’t see anything about him and he doesn’t see anything about you — if you want.
Gah I want you to be able to publish this post and share it with a wider audience because it is sooooo good!
For one brief fantastic moment I thought all these family members and friends had actually spoken your words. Words. Powerful and poignant. I can try to speak again but I am only one of the clan. And I ache for you and D and the girls. Perhaps, instead of speaking, I shall pray for hearts to be opened, for tiny seeds of hope and trust to sprout. It’s been a long, hard, cold winter for all of us. Love, Mom
Don’t move out of the village! Those of us who lost you and found you again there will miss you a lot. Take a little vacation. Figure out a way to put up some fences to strategically block out unwanted neighbors, but please come back.
Love.
I know we don’t know the situation, but maybe there is a place where a reconciliation may be possible? Don’t hate me for saying this. I am sorry, I just wanted to say what this post made me feel. I just feel like I want to hold onto that hope for you, I don’t know why.
Forgive me if I am way off base. I just want the best for you.
I was abused by a boyfriend for 3 years, starting when I was 20. Our mutual friends went to him, such is the way of domestic abuse (nobody wants to believe the man is capable of fracturing a woman’s skull, so instead they cast the woman as a lying, drama-loving shrew. Got to love it.) Anyway, for some masochistic reason I friended some of those people who abandoned me years ago, and through them stumbled upon pictures of this man and his new wife and baby. And now I worry about 2 people I will never meet.
Facebook can be wonderful, but it is full of mines. . .
Is there something more useful to say than “hang in there?” Pretend I thought it up and said it.
A long-time reader- an infrequent commenter. I don’t think people ever get over losses like divorce. Divorce is just another thing in life (like all joys and sorrows) that become a part of us. How we choose to handle these situations is what defines us. We slowly heal and hopefully move on with grace and wisdom. Speaking as a family member of another “redefined” family- it is hard to have the right words when you are aching for your loved ones traveling such a rocky path. It is hard to remain neutral when feelings are so raw. It is hard for everyone involved in a divorce to redefine the boundaries. It takes time and open hearts and minds. Know that it is likely that your once extended family members wish you well and do recognize your significance and importance in their histories. It is the unknown future and the difficulty in finding the appropriate words that make it so hard to go forward and not continue to look back and wonder what if… “For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, it might have been.” But, we, as a people,are resilient and your heart and words are lovely- that must count for something! Stay strong and continue to follow your heart.
When my ex and I was on the downward slope to divorce my best friend asked if I was jealous of the “other guy”. I thought for 10 seconds and I said, “Absolutely not!” The reason being is that I realized whatever it was she had to offer wasn’t meant for me. Everything, in terms of me dealing with her out of my life in terms of that kind of relationship, was easy. We have kids so I see her several times a week, but I don’t speak a word to her (for wholly other reasons).
But I have to say it’s wonderful knowing there is a world out there that I can now explore because I am not bound by the misery of a bad marriage — and Facebook is a big part of that world right now. I can explore from my home office.
Hang in there, be cordial and nice, and some dude will come along and remind you that you still got it.
Ohhh Jenn…Oy Jenn
Maybe for a while…
Not forever and ever….
If this place you speak of..Facebook? If this place brings a sadness to you and throws livestock at you. WTF people?
Maybe it is not a place to be…for a while. Think of it as the area by the dumpsters behind the gym where everyone went to smoke during “study hour” in 8th grade and talk smack about the “others”. What?! You know you KNOW what I’m talking about!
With respect to calling “BULLSHIT” when you see it Jenn.
Also, I’m, like, totally wearing moccasins and a jean jacket right now. For real…..I’ve got your back Jenn. All of us here do…like I’m sooo sure!
Roooo (who is really hoping the” livestock” go to greener pastures filled with forgiveness and love)
Here is love from a total stranger. I wish for so many good things for you, I really do. I wish for things like this to happen. I wish for village elders and husbands and mums and dads and sisters and brothers to come back and for everyone to tell the truth (with just the barest bit of fudging so it doesn’t hurt entirely too much).
Please be well, and gentle with yourself. You’re an angel, too, and a wise village elder to some of us.
Hang in there.
Oh Jenn. The pain in this is so real that it reaches out from my computer screen and pinches me until I tear up with you. I wish I could bitch-slap BPD for you, sweetie.
i do want *all* of you to move West…
xoxo
I know so much where you’re coming from…to tell you the truth, I’ve been there and done that, but I came to the realization that all i was doing was torturing myself so i stopped logging in. Whatever is going to happen will happen no matter if i’m logged into Facebook or not…so i’d rather not know about it and work on healing myself without adding any more pain. Hang in there…i hate to say this because i know that saying this doesn’t help the way you feel right now whatsoever but it does get better…there is light at the end of the tunnel, i promise.
Nothing interesting ever happens to me on FB.
I’d check it more often though if the Village Elders showed up. Or the Village People for that matter.
We all need guidance and wisdom after all.
This will sound petty and small, but it really helped me. I gave up almost everything in my life to be with a man who said he loved me. Then it turned out he didn’t. And I was left alone without all I had left behind and without all that was supposed to be. And I hurt and ached and punished myself for being a fool. But I never seemed to be able to feel any animosity for him or what he had done to me. I realized I could never get over him or past him until I felt angry at him, even if it was just fake anger. So I began an exercise where everytime I thought of him I made myself call him an asshole and think what a shithead he was. I don’t think I really ever felt much real anger towards him, but it turned my thoughts away from mooning over him. And before you know it, I felt much better.
Wow, Jenn. This is so raw and true. I also teared up with you while I read this. I wish things could be differnt for you. I wish I could understand what you’ve been through. But, it does look like he may have left you because of your sickness and that is just not right. What ever happened to “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”? You deserve better. If that isn’t the reason, then my appologies. But, you do deserve to be happy. I hope you get to be soon.
Facebook is wicked dangerous. That is all.
I just want to re-iterate what some others have said. Facebook seems to be a great thing for some, not so much for others. Right now, I think that you are maybe one of the “others”. Looking at people who bring you to him and your history or reading things that bring you to the same place, don’t seem like things you need in your life right now. You can’t protect yourself from 100% of the things that make you sad, but you do have some control…
One beautiful thing you can do: go to Settings > Privacy and block him. Then you can’t see him, he can’t see you.
It’s painful to do, but once you’ve DONE it, the payoff is grand. No angst every time you look at that sidebar and hope that he’s not there, but kinda hope he is, KWIM?
Best of luck to you.
Oh, ouch – can’t he get his own Facebook and leave yours alone? (yes, I know, there’s just the one – but still) Maybe he could go on MySpace and you can have FB? It must suck to see his picture on the “people you may know” – can they add a category for “people I know that I know and please quit suggesting them”?
xo
I’ve never commented before, but I’ve been reading for quite a while. We obviously don’t know each other, but I feel as though I do know you because you have a way of pulling me into your world with your words. My mother has BPD, and it greatly affected my childhood, so I tear up when I hear how much you think of your girls and how much you want them to know you, understand you. You are taking measures to assure their happiness and to ensure that they can continue coming to their mom no matter what. (I didn’t have that for many, many years.)
Reading these posts about your ex-husband who isn’t quite an ex yet really tears up my heart. You write so eloquently and with such emotion that I just want to take half of what you’ve written about and carry that portion of burden for you. I know I can’t, but I can offer prayers and thoughts. That’s all I have.
But know that you have touched someone who thought she had a hardened heart, because I want a happy ending of some sort for you. I don’t tend to romanticize life, but if anyone ever deserved peace of mind and contentment, I’d say that one were you.
Here’s a description of a documentary that I found enlightening and thought might interest you.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/tv_and_radio/secretlife_index.shtml
Part one of the first part is here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nXgZlvjkAo
(the rest is there too)
It’s a bad Facebook week. Next week you’ll have a great Facebook week. Remember last week, with your awesome Tempest pictures and slutty showgirl Stephanie?
It’s an angsty Facebook week. The notifications aren’t timed right, posted items are links, and we “like” things now. A friend who I hadn’t seen in years pissed me off like he used to piss me off years ago, but now it’s virtual. It still made me argue in my head with him in the shower.
Next week will be a fantastic Facebook week. You’ll get QUINDARS on a TW and I will curse mightily.
I threw some philosophers to you. I hope they help.
You have made me thankful that I don’t even see my ex online for he hates Facebook (I think) and he doesn’t Twitter (he won’t allow it on his computer at his house) and he super hates my blog (I know).
Still, this online life is hard when you used to write about how much love you were in and how much fun you had and how you still have this egg-met-sperm offspring who are so freaking incredible.
With that said, wanna be in a Complicated Relationship with me on Facebook? We could be married. There are no Stupid Conservatives Overruling Same-Sex Marriage on Facebook, is there?
Jenn, you always manage to say the most painful things in the most beautiful way.
Dear, wonderful, lovely Jenn, I wish there were something I could do to make all your hurt go away. If I were your facebook friend, I would send you nothing but roses.
Here, have some pebbles:
(o) (o) (o)
And some love and good vibes from across the Atlantic.
I’m sending you love…and sheep…and Scrabble tiles. I wish I could be your Village Elder. Instead, I will be one of your Village People and as soon as I find a picture of myself in a cop uniform or construction ensemble, I will TOTALLY post it on your wall!
Damn, I want those elders everywhere. I’ll settle for them helping you first. On Facebook. Off Facebook.
I think you actually have your village elders and village people and medicine men and women right here.
In fact sometimes I come here so you and they can help me.
I hope you realize that even in your pain you help others.
I’m gonna echo the people who said to block him. Really, just do it. I blocked someone (a family member, even!) because I just didn’t need to have my blood pressure raised every time I saw her picture, or saw what she wrote on some mutual friends’ walls. Now it’s like she’s not even on there! Ta-da! Magic. You won’t see what he writes on other people’s walls, or if other people write on his wall, or anything. It’ll be better, I promise.
Ohhh, the suck. The suck. Why does Facebook tell you when a friend of yours has written on another friend’s wall ANYWAY? Isn’t eavesdropping bad matters? And why do people get to tag unflattering photos of you? And why in god’s name did the person who f’d me over when I was 14 find me? The thing is Mean Girls incarnate and I hate it.
this might sound silly, but i don’t understand why friends don’t send personal-talking-about-someone-else-you-are-friends-with comments in the private messages.
i don’t doubt people sometimes talk about me behind my back, but for the most part i’d rather not hear/read it.
people forget that the wall is seen by all.
the first time my first love came up on fb as a person i may know it made me feel sick. him and his pretty wife and daughter. and then he came up again and again and again.
we had some major baggage, but nothing compared to a marriage with 2 children. i can’t imagine what that feels like.
i don’t have any good advice. i wish i did. scrabble?
Holy f*ck.
My first time here (I can’t for the life of me imagine why), and I’ve definitely been hit by a sheep.
But in a good way. I’m sorry about what you’re going through. I’ll definitely be back.