Hi, dear hearts.
Tonight, I saw H and S for the first time in a week. Maybe a little longer. I’d set up their rooms with some fun new decor, thanks to the help of my mama. Including H’s first big girl bed, and pink glow-in-the-dark butterfly canopies for both girls. I worked hard the past day or so to get their rooms in good shape, extra-pretty.
“I have a big surprise for you,” I said when they came home. “Take a look upstairs.”
They bounded up the stairs. I held my breath. Shrieks of complete and utter little-girl joy ensued. I exhaled. I done good.
They could barely sleep at bedtime, they were so excited. H-Belle kept sitting up to tell me all the things she loved best about her room. “I LOOOOOVE MY CANOPY! I ALWAYS WANTED A CANOPY! WHO GAVE ME THE BED? BABCI? WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING REALLY REALLY NICE FOR HER, MOMMY! MAYBE A NECKLACE! THIS BED IS JUST WHAT I WANTED! I LOVE IT SOOOOOO MUCH! THANK YOU SO MUCH, MOMMY, FOR THE NEW BLANKET! DID YOU GIVE ME THAT? DID YOU GIVE ME THE PRINCESS NIGHTLIGHT? I LOOOOOOVE THE NIGHTLIGHT!”
After I answered her rapid-fire questions, she paused, then said calmly, in a most un-Hattie Belle type fashion, “I like to give you information about stuff.”
After I finally left her sleeping under a cascade of netting and butterflies, I thought: I like to give you (YOU you) information about stuff, too.
I was in the hospital last week for a little less than a week. I’ll have words for it, eventually, but not yet. Am at home now, recuperating, trying to figure out what comes next.
Thank you to everyone who’s been so kind and concerned and full of good words and great soups and muffins and pasta and cookies and music suggestions and books and hugs and help and compassion and cookbooks and chocolate and glass gazing balls and flowers and air-conditioning dismantling and crib-taking-apart-ing and toilet installation and pure, pure love. You make me believe in a God, in something so much more than this this.
I am blessed. Weary, scared, but blessed. Anybody who wants to play Scrabble with me on Facebook? Bring it on. I could use the friendly distraction. These are strange times.
Thanks for being there. I value you more than I can ever tell you. No words will do, not for this.
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Sending hugs and I love Scrabble.
Oh, Jenn… I am too worried for words. Don’t do this to me. I mean, I know you are not doing this TO me… but I am scared and need to know what is wrong. Please, when you have the strength and energy, please let me know. I was not that worried about your absence from the blog since I knew you were on facebook. I don’t do much there, but I have peeked on your page to make sure you were there…
Day by day, Jenn.
Hang on and keep breathing.
If Scrabble is what you want…then me thinks Scrabble is what you’ll get.
Now I have to figure out what FaceBook is exactly.
Shit.
(hug) Thinking of you – I’ll be in NY next week if you need me………….or want some live action scrabble.
I don’t think I’ve ever commented before (and now I wish like hell I would have, so this wasn’t the Awkward First), but I’ve been reading your site for a long time. I love your writing and I think you’re kind of amazing and I hope you’re okay.
Hoping your break was refreshing and unburdening. It’s nothing but a good experience now and your daughters will float around for a while like faeries..you should join them in this.
So glad to see you back! I have missed your updates.
Smiling a lot at the thought of the girls and their princess beds.
**HUGS** and smooches and long-distance well wishes.
xo
I’m starting a new Scrabble game right now. See you there.
Life would be so simple if a bed canopy and glow-in-the-dark butterflies were all it took to make us happy. Thinking good thoughts for you!
My security code was “domo”–thank you in Japanese. Domo, Friday, domo.
Oh girl…I too have been checking your Facebook and reassured there. It’s all OK sweetie…..you keep taking care of you. It sounds like a long week. My hope is that it helped and things are better. Sending lots of quiz love on FB (read the shout outs on the results page, you kicked my ass on most of them)
Amazing girls, Beautiful butterflies and a really special mama you have there. Drink it all in and know you are loved
I would offer up a game of scrabble to you, but I think my five year-old could beat me at that game. So, I guess, if you find yourself in a losing streak, and need to feel better about scrabble-ish things, come be my friend on effbook and I’ll play you as hard as I can, and you will be the WINNAH!!!
Glad you’re home.
avid scrabble player here, but i play at lexulous (lexulous.com). i’ll invite you.
meanwhile, love, love, and more of it.
finding words in scrabble i can do.
finding words to tell someone how much i am pulling for them when i’ve never even met them, i usually fail.
people really are wonderful, especially when you’ve nearly given up hope. without friends, we are nothing. so glad you have so much support and love coming at you from every corner of the world. here’s a little more from Ireland.
So glad to have you back. My week had been empty without your blog.
As soon as I get home, I’ll send you LOTS of game requests on Facebook. Distraction is something I know how to *do*. I’m an expert.
Oh, NO. I thought you were moving or having computer issues, not in the hospital!!!!! Let us know soon what’s wrong, and in the meantime, take lots of deep cleansing breaths, and only try to control the things you can. Stressing will only make whatever it is you’re going through worse.
Oh, I love you. Glad you are back. I’m pulling for you.
can we just keep doing the inane celebrity baby name kind of quizzes? they make me feel smarter than scrabble.
tons of love from PT… xoxo-k
I was wondering if you were in the hospital. Good for you to get the help you need. I am glad you’re back and I, too, was smiling while reading about your girl’s new bedrooms. I love doing something like that for the girls. It makes me happier than them, I think. So, thanks for the update, and I hope you’re ok. We’re here when you’re ready to talk about your experience.
Still loving you, although weve never met, all the way from the damp, cold West coast… You’re in my thoughts, my dear.
I just sat and read through this entire blog from 2005 until now and I just wanted to tell you that you are an amazing writer, and an amazing person. I was either laughing hysterically or crying for the majority of your posts.
Wishing you all the best.
I have been checking your blog over the past week and it has been awfully quiet. I am glad to hear from you though sorry to hear what has made you quiet. I do hope you are okay and am happy for you that you are being taken care of and loved.
xoxo
A good quote/mantra for scary times…
“I could see peace instead of this.” … from A Course in Miracles.
Sending you peace and healing.
I am a CURIOUS PERSON and you are MAKING ME CURIOUS.
I had a dream last night that I saw how you made your header, and it was actually from two pictures. One was of the girls in the foreground but with you sitting next to them (you were all coloring), but you didn’t like that picture of yourself so you spliced it together with another photo of yourself in the kitchen that turned out in-focus of your mother but out-of-focus of you.
Make sure you remind Hattie that she likes to give you information when she’s a teenager.
I tried to look you up on good ol’ Facebook, but there are a lot of people there with your name. Good luck with everything, and know that there are a lot of people who are pulling for you.
Oh Jenn, good luck to all of us, it is a hard go sometimes. Scrabble helps. Friends are amazing. I am so glad the girls loved their rooms. Take care.
Oh no. I hope that things are ok. I have been wondering where you were. I wish I knew you well enough to have sent you chocolate and helped take care of your home. Instead, I’ll now send you all my best wishes and will stay away from you on Facebook’s Scrabble, which, considering how bad I am at that game, is a gift.
Hugs. May your girls have nothing but sweet dreams in their new beds and that their sweetness drifts down to you too.
I made one of the best friends of my lifetime when she was in the hospital for a little break.
Life is weird. Go with it.
Just sending all kinds of peace, light, hope and love your way, Jenn…it isn’t much, I know. But I do know that sometimes in all that darkness, the path to the light becomes a little bit clearer. xoxo
Wishing you the best. Honestly. No good words, but good thoughts for you.
Life is good, Jenn. You are right when you say words aren’t enough. No one can fully know what you are experiencing. But if I can say anything to encourage you, I would say get whatever help is available, then let it be what it will be. Know that many people are sending you their love and prayers. You will get through this. Your loved ones will help. Focus on the peace.
Oh, Jenn – I hadn’t checked in here for a couple of weeks and I feel terrible. No idea you were in the hospital! I’ll be holding good thoughts for you, sweets. No place to go but up, right?
I’m going to go friend you on Facebook.
I thought I would share a Bible verse with you that I find comforting and have on my refrigerator:
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
And also, the song “Held” by Natalie Grant really is a comfort to me during hard times. You can Google for the lyrics if you are interested.
We really are living parallel lives. Hope from here.
Hugs to you, Jenn. I hope you continue to get what you need to get better.
I second the hugs! Thanks for checking in here; I’m so glad you did. The canopy sounds really cool!
sounds like the road you’re walking is taking a lot of courage. thanks for the info, for the trust.
i wish i didn’t suck at Scrabble.
i don’t know what to say. ‘i hope you’re ok’ seems sort of ‘well duh’, & joking ‘did you get a sex change?’ would probably only fly if actually knew eachother.
still, i do hope you are ok, & will check back soon.
~peace.
Teacher says every time a bell rings,
an angel gets his wings.
For Auld Land Syne, my dear.
For Auld Land Syne
We’ll take cup of kindness yet,
For Auld Lang Syne
I’ve been too shy to send you a friend request. But I’m going to now. I’ve missed you. Hope you are well. Be well.
sending love (and I’d be happy to play Scrabble if you friend me).
Jenn, your writing, your strength, inspire me. YOU inspire me.
Hang in there.
** hugs **
(of the authenic variety, not the generic)
Thinking of you, Jenn.
awww crap. am i going to have to join facebook? i’m not even very good at scrabble, but if that is what you needed i’d be happy to play a few rounds with you!
if i knew where you were in this small town i’d leave something even better than my inaptitude for spelling at your door. i don’t know if it would make you smile, but it always worked for me when my mom used to make it.
Thank you for giving us information about stuff.
Much love and hope for peace being sent your way.
Welcome HOME, (((((((Jenn))))))).
I was driving in the car Friday night and the Bowie song Let’s Dance came on. I’ve never really bothered to listen to the lyrics but this night I heard him sing, “put on your red shoes and dance the blues,” and I thought of you. It felt awfully strange to have someone called to mind who I don’t really even know but clearly you have a special talent for reaching out to people and causing them to care about you. I’m thinking happy, healthy thoughts for you in Seattle.
I can play Scrabble on Facebook? I had no idea!
Thinking of you and hoping things get better, much better, very soon.
Love, hope and peace being sent your way. I was pretty sure that’s what it was, and glad you told us, and hoping it was what you needed. I don;t know what else to say, except that I think you’re awesome and deserve to feel so much better than this.