Why did I not look like this when I was pregnant? Why have I not looked like this ever? Why did it take Charles Baxter’s amazing A Feast of Love to bring out my inner blonde beret-rockin’ knocked-up soulful love-wise barista grrl?
Our book club had a holiday party earlier this month at a local bar. It was just us, one confused bartender, and a crackling fire. Each bibliophile was required to come dressed as a memorable character from the year’s selections, and to bring a white elephant gift—the more atrocious, the better.
In attendance were a geisha, a Merry Maid (Nickled and Dimed), a doomed young woman disguised as a soldier (The Girl Who Played Go), Clare from The Time Traveler’s Wife, a duo in burkhas (Reading Lolita in Tehran), a ghostly 1800s bride (Rebecca, still fitting in her gorgeous wedding dress after two kids) from a book I can’t think of, and numerous other characters, all swilling chocolate martinis and eating cheeseburgers and shrimp rolls. A perfectly lovely evening. I went as Feast of Love‘s Chloe (Chlo-AY), whose heartbreaking, street-smart wisdom just knocked me out. Read the book. Oh, do.
When the white elephant gifts started flying back and forth, it was like Vegas in New England, people. Vegas in New England. Of course I’ve never been to Vegas, but I picture a lot of thongs. Not flip-flops. Thongs. I scored a very nice trio myself, all with Chlo-AY’s favorite T-shirt slogan emblazoned on the, er, front. At least I think it was the front. Lauren tells me I had it on backwards, but I think that was just an optical illusion because I gots a lot of junk in my trunk. Raging hormones, read my thongs. (Thank you, Rachel!)
The problem is, I can’t wear thongs. My mother told me the foot-variety thong, the common flip-flop, would CAUSE A TUMOR TO GROW IN BETWEEN MY TOES WHERE THE THINGIE RUBBED. She denies it to this day, but you can imagine my consternation about the lingerie version.
So I practiced safe thonging. And was amply rewarded. (And, as you can see, I was amply rewarded by a Higher Being before the money started rolling in.)
And now I very badly want to cut off my hair and bleach it until it crunches and get a barbed wire tattoo and get knocked up in a careless and inopportune moment. I mean, seriously. Would I have time for all the tedious melancholy and schlumpy soul-searching in 2007 if I rocked a fabulous smoky eye and cheap black beret and chopped platinum locks like THIS every day? Noooooooooooo.
RockStar Mommy would be all like, Hey, gabba gabba, Jenn, let’s jam together! And I’d be all like, Yeah, hot blonde friend! [Doing the goat horn hand thing, but executing it reeeeally well for a change] Yeah! I’d say. What should I play today? Bass? Drums? Tongue piercings against metal boiler room pipes? And she’d be all like, Man, you are AWESOME! And I’d be like, No, YOU’RE AWESOME! EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING IS FRICKIN’ AWESOME AND I AM SO BLONDE AND KNOCKED UP AND PIERCED AND TATTOOED AND HOT I CAN’T EVEN STAND IT! AND I EVEN KNOW WHERE MY KIDS ARE!
I believe this is what is known as Blonde Ambition. Or Early Midlife Crisis, Female Version.
{ 48 comments }
Speechless in the Berkshires.
Holy Hannah, I’m writing about amazing grace and you’re writing about getting knocked up. Diversity is good.
Psst, you make a helluva good lookin’ blonde! And I still don’t remember ever making such a dumb statement about a flip-flop.
Yeah, I thought that would cheer you up!
Seriously?
You look amazing.
I joke not.
My mom was getting worried about me and I thought the dollar bill in my tushie would ease her mind.
Thank you. It was entirely too much fun, the blonde thing. Do you just run your fingers through your hair all the time? Do you???
Clearly, I am on the wrong coast for book clubs.
Such an easy costume too! Just had to throw on a blonde wig and a t-shirt and you were good to go!
You. Are. HAWT.
I think I might try this look – it’s a good one!
I so need to join a book club!!!
Thanks for the reading suggestions!
p.s. This is never something I would ever (ever!) say in a first time comment, but lady, that is some great booty!
jenn, awww, you look so pretty in these pictures
You make a supercute knocked-up blonde!
I never wanted to join a book club until now!
Love it, you rock that wig (imagine me badly executing the goat horn hand thing)! I want to be in your book club
I am joining your book club asap! You look amazing Jenn- HOT!
I concur- Nice booty Jenn.
You look so happy and free spirited-
(Book) clubbing obviously agrees with you.
Can I please join your book club?
Forget Justin….
YOU are bringing sexy back.
(ok…knocked-up, faux tattooed, backward thong wearing sexy…but still…)
Okay, okay … just have to check back in because now I am wondering if they are going to change your Weblog Award to “best cheap trampy slut” … oh my, oh my, oh my!
Whoa! Baby got back (L.A. face with an Oakland booty)!
You have a lovely smile, Jenn.
And I thought Xmas came only once a year…
Great outfit! Saw an article about your hubby in Berkshire Living – such talent in one family! I met him at the NBCA auction a few weeks ago and actually said “are you married to the author of “Breed em and Weep” because I recognized the art from your site. Can you pass on my congratulations?
Amy
Look good blonde but you might take out the butt girdle again !
You recover beeeyoootiful! Loving the smokey eye and and the bootay…..You are a brave woman to put your arse on the internet for a buck, my friend……for my arse, there ain’t enough money in the world!!!
Sounds like just what you needed and I am so digging the great list of reads!
holy moly! book club? um, can i come? i mean, falmouth isn’t *that* far from you, is it?
a) you look fabu
b) i mean it, seriously–fa-BU
c) see above
IV King: It’s the angle. You know how petite I am in person.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
I do think I may have found the coolest book club on the East Coast, it’s true.
Please, please, please invite me to your book club. I’m a reader! I’m getting one of my master’s degrees in reading! I swear!
Oh! I’m an English teacher! Does that help? I think that’s the extra bit that will put me over the top.
Wow…I NEEEEED to be involved with your bookclub…like flowers need the rain. I can’t stand it. You are just precious as a blonde and sooo wonderfully trashy. Campy. love that.
Well maybe I need to start a bookclub. Hmmmm wonder who I should invite.
i think i need to start a book club.
!
you are making me want to be a blonde.
and move east.
i’m going to go put on some eyeliner now.
Looking good Blondie! If writing stops working ,you could always take up modeling
She gets her looks from her mother’s side of the family. Cough.
… and her booty.
I love it! I’ve been part of a “book club” for 7 years. We stopped reading one year into it. My husband is convinced it’s just a cover for naked pillow fights.
Love the blonde-preggo-thong-look you’ve got goin’ on!
I am a proud member of said book club. I enjoy it immensely. It gives me the motivation to read approximately 6 books a year, and still eat fattening food at the other 6 meetings for which I have not read the book. Our book club is full. There is no room for anyone else. However, due to the amount of interest I’ve seen here in joining, I am considering putting my spot in the club up on Ebay to sell to the highest bidder. Paypal or cash only. But I will reserve the right to still go to the meeting when it’s at Jill’s new house.
Once again, sis, you leave me utterly speechless…
My book club is reading Slammerkin right now. I could have gone as an 18th century whore. Clearly, I am not livin’…
NICE!! I definitely need to get my ass in a book club! And I will definitely try to check out those books as well.
I’ve been reading your archives. This morning I read the Disney Princess ‘script’. And “Heavy breathing in the bedroom” Hilarious, I laughed so hard I cried!!
Oh, BTW, I live 2 hrs south of Calgary. Does David’s family still live there?
My wife wears a thong (undie-pants) every day of the week and has yet to suffer any sortof tumour or consternation. Quite frankly, I enjoy it! But never mind about that… this is, ostensibly, a family website.
What’s a parenting blog without a little thong action once in a while, is what I say. We all know how those babies get made. There are thongs involved. In some cases.
Umm, wild-eyed, dabauchery looks good on you. I am going to tromp through the snow with my two wee girls to pick up the inspiration of your costume at the bookstore that has at long last arrived n our previously bookstoreless lttle Glens Falls. Happy last weekend of ’06.
I love you.
Just sayin’.
You look totally rock star. If I wasn’t knocked up myself, I would bleach the crap out of my hair. Maybe I can just Sharpie on a tattoo instead.
Dayum.
*waving dollar bill*
I think I might have to dig out the wigs from our costume box. And call my book club gals.
Tee Hee, Way to go…HAPPY NEW YEAR
omg you look fantastic!!!
More pictures! You look like Meg Tilly or Jennifer Tilly, I forget which.
Just another “You are gorgeous!” yeah, blonde, you can pull that off, woman.
awesome costume. I’ll have to check that books out.
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