Hi, urology! Why so pissed off?

I was all like, you’ve got naughty cartoons in your bathroom! How can you get away with that?

And he was all like, welcome to Urology!

No, seriously? Kudos to Urology. First off, the nurse was incredibly compassionate.

I was all like, I know I’m talking a lot to you, but I’m trying to talk fast and not waste your time. I’m trying to tell you what I know. This isn’t mania. Please understand. This is me having two little ones and being worried because I don’t know which way to turn.

And she was all like, I hear you.

How about that?

I hear you.

And she meant it, too.

I was all like, thank you. Thank you so much.

The urologist referred to the nurse he worked with as His Boss.

He was all like, I’ve got to check with the Boss, but let’s try to rule out a few things today, if you’re up to it.

I was all like, you bet, yes, please.

He was all like, okay then.

I was like, a urethral stricture seems really unlikely to me, how about you?

He was all like, hey, that’s cool that you’re smart, you’re right, urethral stricture is something we usually see in major pelvic trauma. But you seem like you’re in a lot of discomfort, and you’ve tried to urinate five times since you’ve been here. We could do a cystoscopy—

I was all like, ooh, yeah, that’s the long tube with a camera on the end of it that you guys like to push up into bladders.

He was like, well, it would rule out stricture and give us an idea if the bladder is the main problem, or if it’s an innocent bystander to some other growth in your abdominal organs that’s pressing on it. It might point us in a new direction, diagnostically.

I was like, you mean we could do it TODAY? In your office? And unicorns are real?

And he was like, yep, we could do it now, with the Boss.

I was like, bring it.

So they brought it. I was all like, hey, you’re sticking a camera up my spasming bladder. Won’t I pee in your face?

And they were all like, hey, we’ve seen it all.

And so they stuck the camera in. And I was all, yay, look at me, this is a cakewalk, I rock!

And then they looked around, and that kinda hurt, but I was still all like, look at me, I still rock!

And then they yanked that puppy out. And that didn’t hurt so much. But then I stood up.

And then my bladder said WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER?!?!?!?!

And I got dressed. And when the doc came back in the room I was hunched and whimpering on a chair like a cat that needed to be euthanized.

And I was all like, um, do you have, like, anything HERE, not at a PHARMACY, for PAIN, like NOW, like IMMEDIATELY?

And he was all horrified, like, duuuuuuuuude. And that doc, God love him, he ran out of the room, brought me a cup of water himself (can you count the times a doctor has brought you a cup of water himself?), and two boxes of Vesicare, which is supposed to batter the angry bladder into submission.

And he was all like, um, I’m really sorry it hurts. Take one now, but it won’t work for a while.

And I was so touched, I was all like, thank you. I don’t care if it doesn’t work. Just thank you for your kindness and compassion, dude, because you played this one really, really well. And you should know that, Dr. Urologist.

And he was all shocked. Because, hey, I don’t think Urology gets a lot of kudos.

And so we went over the test results, with the Boss checking in too, and leading me to the private bathroom in the back when the spasms would take over.

Bladder’s not draining. Could be interstitial cystitis, but he’s not ready to make that diagnosis, because 1) ain’t no cure for THAT and 2) more fun stuff needs ruling out that covers the other scary weird painful symptoms that have been going on for over six months.

So next up: more procedures you won’t want to hear about. Colonoscopy. At 39. I have never felt hotter in my life.

And: Laparororoosooscospy. To see if something’s THEEEEEEEERRE. If I’m incubating ALIENS and they sleep on my BLADDER.

But in the meantime, I have to find a primary care physician as nice and smart and thoughtful as my urologist.

I’ll look for dirty cartoons in the bathroom. That’ll be my tip-off, clearly.

Bring it. I am going to Iceland this year even if I have a colostomy bag hanging out of my Sharper Image backpack.