Dear Facebook Ex-Friend,
Our recent correspondence, facilitated by the Pandora’s Box known as “Facebook,” was a most unpleasant experience for me—and, I suspect, for you as well.
I knew you a long time ago, and remember you as a decent, if unformed, young chap. We were all more or less unformed then. Now you are outwardly formed, but clearly, you are uninformed about grown women and their simplest likes, dislikes, needs and fears.
Despite reports to the contrary, chivalry and gallantry were not dead—not until you threw them under a bus last week and proceeded to hump their remains in the middle of a busy street.
This was unnecessary behavior, in my book. If you believe I am overreacting, simply re-read your correspondence to me per last week, and imagine that someone has written the same words to one of your daughters, sometime in the future. Would you clap that particular young man on the shoulder and welcome him into your home? I daresay you would not.
Times are tough—I understand this. I know you are under enormous strain and have lost your way. Because I liked you in your unformed youth, I write this in an effort to inform you, to teach you, to help you get back on track. I write this to help you understand why I declined a meeting with you. I write this because I believe there is good in you, and you need to take your hand off your penis and go toward the light again.
Cheap shot, you say? Yes, it’s unsavory, isn’t it, to see the words ‘your penis’ here. I also found it unsavory when, out of the blue, you wrote of your plans for me: “C U NAKED.”
What???
You wrote that you had read my blog and liked it. Really? I cannot imagine how one could read my blog and draw the conclusion that nakedness with a virtual stranger would be comforting or titillating to me at this point in my life. Thus, I am forced to conclude that you do not have my best interests in mind.
When you told me that I should be “amply warned” that you were very “persuasive” and almost always “got what you wanted”, I was shocked, disturbed and appalled that this was your idea of a playful interaction with a woman, that you thought it was appropriate to direct such words toward a woman you no longer even know.
This is why I called off our meeting. And when I did, your response was not a horrified apology, the voice of a man coming to his senses. Your response was the voice of a pissed-off boy, not getting what he wanted: “ouch it’s only a beer come on.”
I am here to say that, no, old friend, sometimes a beer is not just a beer. This is one of those instances, unless there is a beer made by a brewery with the name C. U. Naked, and I misunderstood.
I have yet to see your apology. If you wrote one, I would accept it. I would even more readily accept it if you used proper punctuation and the Queen’s English instead of text-message shorthand.
But it seems to me you still can’t comprehend why I would expect an apology. Perhaps my reaction has you galled, angry. Perhaps my reaction has you thinking, “What a bitch.”
I know that God has given you two lovely daughters. From now on, remember that every woman you address, every woman you yearn for, every woman that pisses you off, deserves to be treated the way you would like to see your daughters treated, as they make their way through this tough world.
By the time we are in our late 20s, many women have already been sexually abused. Believe me, you can’t always guess who. Too heavy for you? Too bad. I think about safety daily, along with plenty of other women. I think about the safety of my girls, now and in the future. I wish I didn’t have to. It IS heavy. Hell, yeah.
So let it sink in. You need to understand this, as the father of daughters. Some women are wary and watchful of strangers, and we have every right to be. Trust me on this: It’s pretty terrifying to be told by someone we no longer know that he is used to getting what he wants, and is “fun,” and expects you to be “fun,” too, and naked. And that he’s coming to a bar near you, soon.
This does not sound like an old friend. This sounds like a stalker. Do you feel like a stalker? Is it shocking to you, to see the word “stalker” used in relation to you?
You can do better. You can BE better. Slow down. Back up. Breathe. Your girls need a father they can look up to, a man who is not blind to the reasonable needs and boundaries of the women in his world.
If you don’t heed this warning, your loneliness will only grow. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want it for your daughters, either.
Sincerely,
The Woman That You Absolutely Do Not Know
{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow. He sounds like a freak. And an idiot.
I commend you for being so brave. Many times I have gotten this message. I cower and hide, feeling ashamed. You did not. Thank you.
I didn’t know Steve Martin was on FB? ; )
But seriously, Jen, I hope you really sent this. You’re doing me and my little daughter a favor.
Well said. Well deserved.
The anonymity of the internet is the epitome of a double-edged sword. Next to real, live, pointy, sharp, double-edged swords, that is.
I am not a fan of the effing effbooking. Good for you for passing up that loaded beer.
Well done. God, what is it that makes them think acting like this is not even ok, but appreciated? The thought about his daughters is so spot on.
Bonus irony points for the Thomas & Friends: A Circus Comes to Town ad at the bottom. A Circus indeed!
yikes, yeah maybe a few too many dots connected there, but yeah… yikes
Oh dear gods, what a jerk. I sincerely hope he reads this.
I am surprised (and then surprised at myself for being surprised — I don’t think of myself as naive) that someone our age would act like a horny teenage boy on facebook. And I am appalled at the tone of his communication and agree wholeheartedly that it has undertones of sexual assualt. Bravo for calling him on it!
Hear, hear! Good for you.
Ugh, just thinking that this man responsible for the emotional development of 2 females makes my stomach clench. You handled this much more graciously than I would, kudos.
this is they type of thing that makes me want to shake with rage when people say that sexism is over. it is so not over.
This is so clearly and kindly written, it seems like he should be falling on his knees and shouting that the scales have fallen from his horny eyes.
Wow, congrats, I have been there way too many times myself and wish I could have said these words myself when the time came Thanks! Gives me the courage for my girl that I know one day will most definitely come up against this too.
Very gracious, indeed.
I absolutely do not know him. But…ick.
I just had to sigh a big “hell YEAH” because I’ve had a guy come out of the woodwork expecting to relive the “great sex” *not* of our youth and he doesn’t get the EWWWW but YOU do! Thank you.
Brava Jenny.
This man is clearly unaware of the fervent protection that surrounds you. Continued stalker behavior towards you will result in his ultimate destruction by my own hands, I promise. And, skeevy dude, if you don’t think I will, think again.
Wow. I don’t think he sounds like a stalker (time will tell!), but he does sound like he might pack roofies. He probably doesn’t MEAN to come across this way, but at least he gave you plenty of warning. Wow.
I am completely creeped out and impressed by this brilliant post all at the same time.
That? Was awesome.
send it. then block him. i blocked someone who had a vastly different idea of friendship with me. it’s cut down on communication from him immensely.
You are far more gracious than I would have been, Jenn. Alas, if Mr. Skeevy Stalker Dude has not figured out how to act like a human being (and treat women as human beings) by his age, he probably never will. His future probably consists of a lot of nights alone in front of computer, downloading porn and feeling sorry for himself.
Jesus. Gross.
Men can be such freeking idiots! Ooh…woman in distress…uhhh…must try to get some!
I wouldn’t have bothered with the nice language. I doubt it’ll make an impression on him anyway. That pattern of behavior: rude, overtly sexual language followed by trying to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you when you decline the skeevy offer? Borderline sociopathic.
What kills me is that men like this appear to have no clue they’re being skeevy, and then when we get skeeved out, they get all huffy and act like we’re the ones with the problem!
yeah. yeah yeah yeah yeah!!!
thank god for you, jenn; all of womankind says thanks.
eww. though i think your letter makes sense! i think there are some men who don’t understand how to communicate or how they come across, so i hope your words sink in! at very least, i hope you feel better, exorcising this BS from your system. who needs it! CU naked? What are you, five?
boooooo yaaaaaaaaaah! high five, sis! this post made me smile.
and @shel–he’d have to fight us both to get to her
xoxoxoxoxol
Your letter explains your point of view very well. I had this discussion with a male friend of mine once. He had no idea that the comments he thought were ‘cute’ or ‘playful’ were terrifying to females. He had just never been in a position where he felt vulnerable. I and his other female friends set him straight and he thanked us later (when women actually started to respond to him).
I hope this man takes this to heart as well and finds a healthy relationship in the future.
You are a great writer. Try to get this published in the paper. seriously!!
He offered you an “ample warning” and you took it. Smart lady.
And Rachel, she was! It was in the Boston Globe a little while back. I read it and it was great!
Good god I hate facebook. You, on the other hand, totally rock.
David Letterman?
Was this a Grinnellian? I sure hope not – I would like to think the womyn at Grinnell would have crucified any boy like that long ago.
Dear Lord Almighty. Hopefully he really does read your blog and wasn’t just talking smack.
Brava!! I have come across men like this too many times to count, and I have never had such an intelligent, eloquent response as yours. You are amazing. And so, so talented.
jesus. the ignorant, chauvinist, misogynist gall. and yet it’s not shocking, is it? just sad. a guy who drunkenly assaulted me in college sent me a cheery FB hello a coupla weeks ago…it was the erasure of any ownership that blew my mind. though at least for him it was two decades back and erasure is perhaps more forgivable. in your case…yuck.
i’m sorry…very sorry…that you were disrespected in that way. i have the greatest respect for your response, though…especially here, where if he has your blog URL he may even stumble across it.
Thank you! You are strong and brave and have picked just the right words to say what so many of us are not able to. May we all be so strong and so graceful in the face of absolute disrespect.
Eww. I need a shower. That guy has no interpersonal skills whatsoever. Fun, light-hearted flirting is one thing; lecherous, inappropriate suggestions another.
I love, love, LOVE your response; it is honest, wise and spot-on.
Don’t let this experience make you fear “getting out there”, Jenn. There are many, many wonderful men in the world who DO know how to treat a woman.
This post made me shiver. I hate being reminded that they are everywhere, that entitlement to a woman’s body is still alive and well.
Blech. That guy’s poor daughters. I’m assuming there’s no wife in the picture, because, blech. I hope he reads this and looks long and hard at himself and how he is modeling this kind of behavior to his daughters, as they in turn will instinctively seek out men who act this way. Nice going, jerk.
can I get an amen for this sister’s soliloquy?
Terrific post. You deserve way way waaaaaaaaay better than that.
That was wonderfully written. You didn’t sound bitchy at all, and omg, I would have been bitchy. I’m beginning to dislike Facebook as much as I did myspace. It’s just high school drama all over again, except all the popular girls are CHUNKY and bitchy now, and the popular boys still think their shit doesn’t stink, but it DOES.
Good job!!
who the hell said that?! send message stat, please.
One of the things I like about being a ‘middle aged’ woman is that men don’t pull that shit on me anymore. (Or apparently they do, on Facebook.)
I sometimes look over at my innocent young daughters and their crushes and naive proclamations of ‘true love’ for the little boy in their class, and sigh (heavily) about what’s ahead for them. I think of a few ‘slightly-off’ romantic encounters I managed to navigate through as an adolescent and young woman – being too trusting, hoping for the best, reading the signals wrong. oh, it all makes me cringe.
I know I can’t protect them, but can I ever prepare them?
You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/06/five-star-fridays-edition-59.html
I think this post needs to be printed in pamphlet form and distributed to all men over the age of 18. It’s not that they all need such schooling, but one would hope that those who do not would appreciate the fact that so many of their fellow men still do.
Oh, good for you for saying this.
As for this, “By the time we are in our late 20s, many women have already been sexually abused.”
Yes. Get this, EVERY single woman I know. It’s every last one of them who has been abused this way. I try very hard to make sure my sons know this, and does better than the generation before them.
Holy smokes. FB Stalkers! Nothing is safe.
Can I just say how very clever the name of your blog is?
Wow…
Cheers to you for standing up for yourself. I would have reacted in the same way. Under no circumstances would words like those have put me at ease.