Dear Facebook Ex-Friend

Dear Facebook Ex-Friend,

Our recent correspondence, facilitated by the Pandora’s Box known as “Facebook,” was a most unpleasant experience for me—and, I suspect, for you as well.

I knew you a long time ago, and remember you as a decent, if unformed, young chap. We were all more or less unformed then. Now you are outwardly formed, but clearly, you are uninformed about grown women and their simplest likes, dislikes, needs and fears.

Despite reports to the contrary, chivalry and gallantry were not dead—not until you threw them under a bus last week and proceeded to hump their remains in the middle of a busy street.

This was unnecessary behavior, in my book. If you believe I am overreacting, simply re-read your correspondence to me per last week, and imagine that someone has written the same words to one of your daughters, sometime in the future. Would you clap that particular young man on the shoulder and welcome him into your home? I daresay you would not.

Times are tough—I understand this. I know you are under enormous strain and have lost your way. Because I liked you in your unformed youth, I write this in an effort to inform you, to teach you, to help you get back on track. I write this to help you understand why I declined a meeting with you. I write this because I believe there is good in you, and you need to take your hand off your penis and go toward the light again.

Cheap shot, you say? Yes, it’s unsavory, isn’t it, to see the words ‘your penis’ here. I also found it unsavory when, out of the blue, you wrote of your plans for me: “C U NAKED.”

What???

You wrote that you had read my blog and liked it. Really? I cannot imagine how one could read my blog and draw the conclusion that nakedness with a virtual stranger would be comforting or titillating to me at this point in my life. Thus, I am forced to conclude that you do not have my best interests in mind.

When you told me that I should be “amply warned” that you were very “persuasive” and almost always “got what you wanted”, I was shocked, disturbed and appalled that this was your idea of a playful interaction with a woman, that you thought it was appropriate to direct such words toward a woman you no longer even know.

This is why I called off our meeting. And when I did, your response was not a horrified apology, the voice of a man coming to his senses. Your response was the voice of a pissed-off boy, not getting what he wanted: “ouch it’s only a beer come on.”

I am here to say that, no, old friend, sometimes a beer is not just a beer. This is one of those instances, unless there is a beer made by a brewery with the name C. U. Naked, and I misunderstood.

I have yet to see your apology. If you wrote one, I would accept it. I would even more readily accept it if you used proper punctuation and the Queen’s English instead of text-message shorthand.

But it seems to me you still can’t comprehend why I would expect an apology. Perhaps my reaction has you galled, angry. Perhaps my reaction has you thinking, “What a bitch.”

I know that God has given you two lovely daughters. From now on, remember that every woman you address, every woman you yearn for, every woman that pisses you off, deserves to be treated the way you would like to see your daughters treated, as they make their way through this tough world.

By the time we are in our late 20s, many women have already been sexually abused. Believe me, you can’t always guess who. Too heavy for you? Too bad. I think about safety daily, along with plenty of other women. I think about the safety of my girls, now and in the future. I wish I didn’t have to. It IS heavy. Hell, yeah.

So let it sink in. You need to understand this, as the father of daughters. Some women are wary and watchful of strangers, and we have every right to be. Trust me on this: It’s pretty terrifying to be told by someone we no longer know that he is used to getting what he wants, and is “fun,” and expects you to be “fun,” too, and naked. And that he’s coming to a bar near you, soon.

This does not sound like an old friend. This sounds like a stalker. Do you feel like a stalker? Is it shocking to you, to see the word “stalker” used in relation to you?

You can do better. You can BE better. Slow down. Back up. Breathe. Your girls need a father they can look up to, a man who is not blind to the reasonable needs and boundaries of the women in his world.

If you don’t heed this warning, your loneliness will only grow. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want it for your daughters, either.

Sincerely,
The Woman That You Absolutely Do Not Know