Dear Hattie Belle,
Yeah, kid, I know this is a rough time. As you sat on the potty the other night, you told me, “I hate the divorce. I want us to all live in the same house.” Then you skipped off to your room to hack off more of your dolls’ hair while I leaned against the sink and tried to take deep breaths.
The thing is, bedtime has got to be bedtime. I can’t feel sorry for you, kid. If I feel sorry for you, I won’t be a good mama. And part of being a good mama, in my book, is making sure we all get enough rest so we don’t kill each other when the sun rises.
You are almost five, my daughter. You can DO this. Together, we can DO this. I don’t like holding your door shut while you scream and howl at me. I also don’t like it when I have to say, “Fine, you put yourself to bed,” and retire to my own room and shut that door. I especially don’t like it when you attack my closed door with the vehemence of a rabid Schnauzer, jamming plastic knives through the keyhole, and shrieking “MOMMY! WHAT IS YOUR CHOICE! WHAT IS YOUR CHOICE, MOMMY?!?!”
I don’t mind when you tell me that my car’s windshield wipers sound like they are saying “EAT ME EAT ME EAT ME.” I don’t even mind the occasional well-timed poopy joke. But, kid? I can’t take the bedtime terrorism. If I let you win, all the terrorists win. So make a good choice, would you?
Thank you.
Love,
Mommy
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I am fighting right along side of you with this battle. For the past 3 weeks, my almost 5 year old has been having the same issues. She usually fights me until about 10 pm when she is finally too tired to fight anymore.
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LOL. My twins are only 16 months and one of them is already staging this little terrorist attack on my house. He doesn’t want to lay down and when he finally gets tired and does, he’s back up at about 1:30am. Makes me want to scream. We had to move his brother’s crib out of his room just so he could get some sleep. Go figure one of them loves his sleep (like me) and the other acts like his daddy and wants to stay up all night.
I hope you get better luck with this soon. If you are anything like me, you’re a grizzly when you don’t get your beauty rest.
I feel for you. My just-turned-four-year-old will sometimes spend two hours at bedtime, crying about how she wants us all to live together again. I want Mommy. I want Daddy. No, I want Mommy and Daddy TOGETHER.
I keep a nice Riesling in the fridge for nights like these. It helps.
My 2 1/2 year old will go to sleep easily at 8pm and wake up chipper and ready to get the night started at 10:30pm. Then we are up till 4am!!!!!! Somebody kill me. She is winning and I am loosing…. bad. Hope you win out.
Oh, how I know of what you write. There were times I had to sit on my hands to keep myself from throwing my child out a window. I can’t even remember what we did to get past that hump, but I do know that I aged a bit during those evenings. Hang in there.
We’ve had remarkable luck with a stupid sticker chart (x number of stickers = prize of some kind) for our 5 year old. Bedtime still isn’t perfect but it is a damn sight easier than it was. Bad bedtime is really bad. I feel for you. Bedtime terrorist is an apt description. Good luck and hang in there.
Oh bedtime. I have done 11 years of bedtime. I am tired of bedtime.
I just changed my Facebook status (ironic, isn’t it?) to “I am sick and tired of the whining and crying at bedtime.” I think there’s some white wine and Olympics with my name on it right about now.
Jen, I want us to be best friends. If you decide you need a best friend in Boston, let me know.
But, more importantly, why do we teach our children words like “choice”? I get “But you didn’t give me the options!” screamed at me when I make independent choices for my nearly four year old. I sure would get a lot less guff if I were a dictator.
Ah, the shenanigans and manipulation. We have the eff-off doorknobs on the little boys’ door. The 5.5 yo is too smart for that nonsense (or so she says). Sometimes she’s so smart she lets the boys out. Bedtime is the curse of parenthood. It should be a time of such joy for us parents, we have such high expectations. And even when expectations are low, such as, hope this doesn’t suck tonight, we eat it hard core anyway.
You’re an amazing Mother, and things will get better.
“And part of being a good mama, in my book, is making sure we all get enough rest so we don’t kill each other when the sun rises.”
huh… it’s kind of a revelation (is that why I’m so grumpy?)
Oh, I’m sorry.
My daughter was a total Bedtime Bitch until she was about 5. In fact, anytime I tried to put her in her room, she would freak. As she got bigger, she would repeatedly slam her bedroom door until the house shook because we had taken to putting baby gates in front of it so she couldn’t come out of timeouts. Many a time I locked myself in the bathroom for her timeout, since for her the worst punishment seemed to be being away from me. Ugh.
Good luck with this. It’s a crappy row to hoe.
During the day, while the war is temporarily at a lull, surreptitiously squirrel away supplies in your bedroom: wine, candy, People magazines. Consider putting in a mini-fridge so you can have more options. Then at night, while the war rages on outside, you will at least have treats.
Oh thank you thank you thank you. SO good to know we are not alone on this one. We’re 6 1/2 years in and still fighting every night – the fighting has changed to more subtle terrorist tactics (bribery, persuasion, veiled threats) but still goes on. And we still do night waking at least a couple of times a week – joy!
I should have known he was going to win when he vaulted over the baby gate we put on his door to keep him in – at 14 months. No joke.
Hang in there. They leave home at some point?
The careful balance of a loving kiss on the cheek and the hiss of “get back into bed” through clenched teeth. I live it nightly.
I must say, I feel much better now. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve huddled defeated in the living room thinking to myself, “Surely, there’s a better way to handle a 2 year old, 3 year old, 4 year old…. Like, what kind of parent is reduced to holding the door closed? Eh hem, um, yeah, that would be me. And the baby gate, too. Even as we speak, the baby gate is up. I try so hard to be nice. But they just won’t have it. I do feel better knowing I’m not the only one in over my head, though.
Hang tough–you know you’re doing the right thing. Giving into guilt is a sucky parenting tactic.
Oh yeah, bedtime is not negotiable. No matter how guilty you may feel. You’re doing the right thing.
I’m so sorry. I hope that it gets better for you. This is a hard time, and you gotta do whatever you can to survive it. It WILL get better, I promise.
Oh, fabulous, I can’t wait for this stage. I am lucky that my 13 month old will actually lie down and sleep without any help from me (this took 11 months of crying, walking, rocking, singing, cajoling, etc., etc., etc.). So what you’re saying is that parenting doesn’t get easier? Great.
oh man, i feel your pain.
it feels awful muttering “will you please just shut up…” in the middle of the night to a 3 month old that doesn’t understand that he is driving his mother to the brink of sanity and civility… suppressing those bad thoughts that invade the mind of a sleep deprived parent, if only for a split second.
but i guess it’s worse once they are old enough to argue about it and make the guilt even worse.
i count my blessing all the time that our 3yr old goes to bed with no argument. at least one bedtime isn’t a battle.
I think when this war was being waged in my house it ended with me curled up with an older sister.
As a divorced mom of a now 23 and 21 year old, I promise, bedtime will get better. You’re a good mom, you just need tohear that more often.
Don’t give in! You’re doing the right thing. But the commenter about the “stupid sticker chart (x number of stickers = prize of some kind)” might have an idea. I’ve always thought lots of problems could be solved with sticker charts, but I’ve never been smart enough to try them. Maybe it will help you? Good luck.
Yes, bedtime is a must! I did however capitulate on one point: Nobody says you have to sleep – just be in bed and be quiet! May not work for everyone, but it did for us.
God I feel your pain. I have held the door shut on my 4 year old several times. It will pass. even though i never believe that when i am in the middle of it.
ps. i liberated myself from facebeg.
Bribery works wonders. Or sleep induced cough syrup.
Sorry you are going through this. It IS just a phase. Promise!
Bedtime at 8 or 8:30. Singing loudly in room 8:30 to 10:30. Anywhere from 10:30 on … sleep.
You can lead a kid to bed but you can’t make ‘em sleep. This much I know.
So glad to have found you — you’re going on the blogroll NOW.
I hated bedtime as a kid. Now I can’t wait for it. If only we knew then what we knew now, parents wouldn’t know what to do with themselves. *hug*
crikey, what sophie do when bedtime freaking commences?
Can I borrow you? Please? Like just for a night or maybe 6?
Rabid schnauzer. Perfect. That’s exactly what my kids were acting like last night when I told them it was bedtime.
I thought we were behing the nighttime acts of terrorism around here. I learned last night I am delusional.
Sigh.
Smooches my new facebeg friend. Heh.
I have a two year old bedtime terrorist, and it ISN’T PRETTY. It’s LOUD. It’s LONG-LASTING. It involves kicking and screaming in fury (and not always from the two-year old either, ha!), so I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
consider yourself hugged
the memories this brings back…
I, too, am fighting this great battle. I think I’m getting it won with the oldest, but of course, the littlest is now getting big enough to wiggle out of his crib.
so…what if it’s your wife that’s doing this? should i be worried?