So in one room, Sophie moans as she finishes her overdue homework.
I am not in that room.
I am in the other room, just across the hall. I am in the room in which Hattie Belle flips around in her bed like a fish still hoping for the best.
Me: Hannah Belle, time for sleep.
H: I DIDN’T GET ENOUGH TICKLES!
Me: Yes. Yes, you did.
H: NO I DIDN’T! THAT WAS RUBS!
Me: No, that was tickles. Were. Tickles.
S: (growling across the hall) Tell Mommy she’s NOT VERY CONVINCING.
Me: (yelling back to S) SHHHH. Do your homework. You are responsible for that.
H: (sunny) I’M IN PRE-K! I DON’T HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK! I’M SO GLAD I’M IN PRE-K BECAUSE WE BAKE THE BEST THINGS! WE BAKED BANANA BREAD AND IT TASTED SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOD.
S: (now slumping in her doorway, glowering at us across a sleeping dog) It’s not FAIR.
Me: It is too fair, because you were in Pre-K once. I remember when you made banana bread.
S: (completely skeptical) You do?
Me: Go. Finish. Your. Homework.
S: (glares, flops back into the pink floral inner sanctum of Homework Torture Chamber)
Me: (to H) Okay. Get some sleep. We all have to get up early tomorrow.
H: (brightly) YEAH! YOUR LIFE IS BORING! YOU’RE GOING TO BE LIKE, OH, HI, DO YOU NEED A JOB? NO. OH, HI, DO YOU NEED A JOB? NO—
Me: (interrupting) Actually, it’s more like I say, Hi, do you need someone to write for you? And—
H: (gleefully) AND THEY SAY NO!!!! LET’S PRACTICE!!!!
Me: Uh…
H: (suddenly a prospective employer, and a very nice, thoughtful one at that) Hi, I’m Cate. I have a movie business. What do you write?
Me: Uh…well, Cate, see…uh…
S: (from across the hall) TELL HER SHE DOESN’T SOUND VERY CONVINCING AS A WRITER. TELL HER YOU HEARD SHE’S A TERRIBLE WRITER!
H: (ignoring S, continuing as the Best Prospective Boss Ever) Go on. What do you write?
Me: I…well, I write…marketing materials?
H: Uh huh. Okay. What would that do for my company?
Me: I would, well…it would help your movie business get noticed…um, in the marketplace…
S: (yelling) NOT VERY CONVINCING.
Me: DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. THIS IS MY JOB INTERVIEW.
S: I WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU. SO I CAN FIRE YOU. HA!
H: (still totally in character, to me) Do you write movies?
Me: Um, well…I do write scripts, yes. I mean, you know—what the characters say.
H: (thrilled as New Boss Cate) YOU’RE HIRED!!!!!!
Me: Wow! Thanks! I wish every interview went so well!
S: (shouting) YOU’RE FIRED! FIRE HER! FIRE HER! SHE’S TERRIBLE!
Me: That’s not very nice.
H: No, you’re hired. Don’t worry.
S: DO YOU HAVE A STRETCHING MAT?
Me: A STRETCHING MAT?
S: YES.
ME: NO, SORRY. NOW BE QUIET SO YOUR SISTER CAN SLEEP.
S: I AM WRITING QUESTIONS.
ME: GOOD.
S: I HAVE TO MAKE UP QUESTIONS. I WANTED TO SEE IF ‘DO YOU HAVE A STRETCHING MAT’ WAS A QUESTION.
ME: Oh. Okay.
S: HOW DO YOU SPELL ‘CATCH’?
ME: C-A-T-C-H.
S: (totally not buying it) REALLY? (sound of Ignoring Mother follows)
ME: YESSSSSSSS. BE QUIET NOW.
[moment of quiet]
S: (booms, suddenly) WHO DAAAAARES DISTURB MY RESTING PLAAAAAACE???
H: (shrugs in the dark)
Me: WHAT???
S: THAT’S MY OTHER QUESTION. I’M WRITING IT. HOW DO YOU SPELL ‘DISTURB’?
Me: D-I-S-T-U-R-B.
S: I THOUGHT IT WAS ‘DISTURB-ED.’ WHO DAAARES DISTURBED MY RESTING PLAAAACE? WHO DARES DISTURBED MY SLUMBERRRRRR?
Me: No ‘-ed’. What exactly are you doing?
S: WRITING QUESTIONS. IS THAT A QUESTION? WHO DARES DISTURB MY RESTING PLACE?
Me: Yes. Yes. Yes, it is. ‘DO YOU HAVE A STRETCHING MAT’ and ‘WHO DARES DISTURB MY RESTING PLACE’ are very good questions.
S: YOU’RE FIRED! WHEN DO I GET TO FIRE YOU?
H: (cracks up, shrugs, rolls over) Goodnight, Mommy.
Me: (sighs, looking forward to eating an entire goat-cheese-and-spinach pizza alone at some point in the evening, when the Young Undead Yoga-Loving Donald Trump finishes her homework)
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