So in one room, Sophie moans as she finishes her overdue homework.
I am not in that room.
I am in the other room, just across the hall. I am in the room in which Hattie Belle flips around in her bed like a fish still hoping for the best.
Me: Hannah Belle, time for sleep.
H: I DIDN’T GET ENOUGH TICKLES!
Me: Yes. Yes, you did.
H: NO I DIDN’T! THAT WAS RUBS!
Me: No, that was tickles. Were. Tickles.
S: (growling across the hall) Tell Mommy she’s NOT VERY CONVINCING.
Me: (yelling back to S) SHHHH. Do your homework. You are responsible for that.
H: (sunny) I’M IN PRE-K! I DON’T HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK! I’M SO GLAD I’M IN PRE-K BECAUSE WE BAKE THE BEST THINGS! WE BAKED BANANA BREAD AND IT TASTED SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOD.
S: (now slumping in her doorway, glowering at us across a sleeping dog) It’s not FAIR.
Me: It is too fair, because you were in Pre-K once. I remember when you made banana bread.
S: (completely skeptical) You do?
Me: Go. Finish. Your. Homework.
S: (glares, flops back into the pink floral inner sanctum of Homework Torture Chamber)
Me: (to H) Okay. Get some sleep. We all have to get up early tomorrow.
H: (brightly) YEAH! YOUR LIFE IS BORING! YOU’RE GOING TO BE LIKE, OH, HI, DO YOU NEED A JOB? NO. OH, HI, DO YOU NEED A JOB? NO—
Me: (interrupting) Actually, it’s more like I say, Hi, do you need someone to write for you? And—
H: (gleefully) AND THEY SAY NO!!!! LET’S PRACTICE!!!!
Me: Uh…
H: (suddenly a prospective employer, and a very nice, thoughtful one at that) Hi, I’m Cate. I have a movie business. What do you write?
Me: Uh…well, Cate, see…uh…
S: (from across the hall) TELL HER SHE DOESN’T SOUND VERY CONVINCING AS A WRITER. TELL HER YOU HEARD SHE’S A TERRIBLE WRITER!
H: (ignoring S, continuing as the Best Prospective Boss Ever) Go on. What do you write?
Me: I…well, I write…marketing materials?
H: Uh huh. Okay. What would that do for my company?
Me: I would, well…it would help your movie business get noticed…um, in the marketplace…
S: (yelling) NOT VERY CONVINCING.
Me: DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. THIS IS MY JOB INTERVIEW.
S: I WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU. SO I CAN FIRE YOU. HA!
H: (still totally in character, to me) Do you write movies?
Me: Um, well…I do write scripts, yes. I mean, you know—what the characters say.
H: (thrilled as New Boss Cate) YOU’RE HIRED!!!!!!
Me: Wow! Thanks! I wish every interview went so well!
S: (shouting) YOU’RE FIRED! FIRE HER! FIRE HER! SHE’S TERRIBLE!
Me: That’s not very nice.
H: No, you’re hired. Don’t worry.
S: DO YOU HAVE A STRETCHING MAT?
Me: A STRETCHING MAT?
S: YES.
ME: NO, SORRY. NOW BE QUIET SO YOUR SISTER CAN SLEEP.
S: I AM WRITING QUESTIONS.
ME: GOOD.
S: I HAVE TO MAKE UP QUESTIONS. I WANTED TO SEE IF ‘DO YOU HAVE A STRETCHING MAT’ WAS A QUESTION.
ME: Oh. Okay.
S: HOW DO YOU SPELL ‘CATCH’?
ME: C-A-T-C-H.
S: (totally not buying it) REALLY? (sound of Ignoring Mother follows)
ME: YESSSSSSSS. BE QUIET NOW.
[moment of quiet]
S: (booms, suddenly) WHO DAAAAARES DISTURB MY RESTING PLAAAAAACE???
H: (shrugs in the dark)
Me: WHAT???
S: THAT’S MY OTHER QUESTION. I’M WRITING IT. HOW DO YOU SPELL ‘DISTURB’?
Me: D-I-S-T-U-R-B.
S: I THOUGHT IT WAS ‘DISTURB-ED.’ WHO DAAARES DISTURBED MY RESTING PLAAAACE? WHO DARES DISTURBED MY SLUMBERRRRRR?
Me: No ‘-ed’. What exactly are you doing?
S: WRITING QUESTIONS. IS THAT A QUESTION? WHO DARES DISTURB MY RESTING PLACE?
Me: Yes. Yes. Yes, it is. ‘DO YOU HAVE A STRETCHING MAT’ and ‘WHO DARES DISTURB MY RESTING PLACE’ are very good questions.
S: YOU’RE FIRED! WHEN DO I GET TO FIRE YOU?
H: (cracks up, shrugs, rolls over) Goodnight, Mommy.
Me: (sighs, looking forward to eating an entire goat-cheese-and-spinach pizza alone at some point in the evening, when the Young Undead Yoga-Loving Donald Trump finishes her homework)
{ 1 trackback }
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Isn’t that from Aladdin? The sand tiger cave thing says that when the flying beetle is put together and goes into the sand dune.
My security code is cozy… that sounded like a very cozy evening you had
Your girls are fantastic – they get that from you.
That whole WHO DARES DISTURB MY RESTING PLACE? is the perfect thing for me to yell into the dark when my children try to wake me at 4am (as one did tonight). It will probably scare them so good, they won’t dare do it again. Thanks!
To think I left early … before the main show began. Hope you enjoyed your pizza!
Tell Sophie she’ll have to pay you unemployment. Starting today.
See, you would have to share that pizza if you were still married. Already you are reaping the rewards of being single!!! Savor it, and bake yourself a batch of cookies while you’re at it!!
Your girls are hilarious.
I must remember the who disturbs my resting place the next time the hubby tries to get me up in the middle of the night for baby duty. He’ll laugh his butt off at me.
Hope her teacher appreciates her questions.
She sounds like a tough boss! Try to find one more like Hattie Belle.
Kids are a rip, aren’t they?
Hope the pizza was good: you earned it.
Maybe you should just not apply to Jeapordy? Or any of those interview shows. Or The Gallup Organization. Sounds like the Question People might be a tough room.
That was laugh out loud funny. Thank you.
“bed like a fish still hoping for the best” is simply a fabulous line!