Breed ‘Em And Weep

“Why does there have to be money anyway?”

“I asked my father the same thing when I was eight,” I tell her. “He told me something about raccoons and monkeys and pineapples becoming too burdensome. I still don’t understand.”

Continue Reading 30 comments June 25th, 2009

I’m a Twitter quitter

I do not have the passion it takes to be a tweeting, blogging, Facebegging mother of two. Something had to give. My occupation, my breasts and my thighs have already given up the ghost (RIP, darlings) and Twitter was the next logical thing to go.

Continue Reading 40 comments June 25th, 2009

Our Lady of Guadalupe

While my daughters knelt
before an altar of Barbie imposters
and their dollar disco dresses,
I prayed to you, a test-drive

Continue Reading 10 comments June 23rd, 2009

June 21st is not my birthday

I’ve had a lot of good birthdays, mostly a long time ago. I’ve had a lot of crap birthdays, especially in the second half of my life. I hate the pressure. I hate the fact that I’ve become someone who dreads her own birthday. That seems pompous and self-absorbed, the act of despising one’s own birthday. Narcissistic, and trendy. A terrible combo.

Continue Reading 46 comments June 21st, 2009

Dear Facebook Ex-Friend

Despite reports to the contrary, chivalry and gallantry were not dead—not until you threw them under a bus last week and proceeded to hump their remains in the middle of a busy street.

Continue Reading 62 comments June 17th, 2009

I did not say ‘bring it’ in the week leading up to the ER visit

And when I got there, to Steve Martin’s house, he had all this great FOOD that I wished I had in my refrigerator, and he was mocking the FOOD! So I ATE some. Stuffed some in my mouth when he wasn’t looking. Felt bad that I was STEALING FROM THE TERMINALLY ILL. But, dude, a tormented girl has got to EAT.

Continue Reading 27 comments June 15th, 2009

Why the turtles didn’t cross the road

Dear God. I pulled over in the gravel, cringed as traffic flew by, narrowly missing the turtle with zooming tires.

Continue Reading 17 comments June 13th, 2009

Madness

Manic depression is a tragicomic disease, until the comedy flees and only tragedy is left in its wake. The suicide rate for bipolar bears is staggering. If you are in over your head with a beloved bipolar, do not hesitate to get help from a crisis team. When your bipolar loved one becomes unrecognizable to you, yes, it is time. It may be time, before that point, but who can say? There are stubborn bears. They don’t want you to know how bad it’s gotten. They want to be like you. They want to be good, calm, normal, successful—like you.

There is simply no “right” here.

Continue Reading 61 comments June 4th, 2009

That

We can make our guesses,
of course. That is one that
that can’t be helped. Guesswork
is to human as gossip is to human
as to wondering where the socks and
toenail clippings go is to human.

Continue Reading 17 comments June 1st, 2009